Hi Tulip. so sorry to hear your story - I can relate to the amount of pain you must be in right now.  It's what you weren't getting.  One empty smile, one lack of a caress at a time.  It catches up to you. 

I am in my sixties.  I got divorced 3 years ago now.  I didn't know, my gut had been screaming at me for so many years but he kept it hidden.  When I did know my gut response was to get divorced.  For a while I thought of staying anyway, was it the right thing to do, weren't we too old, but I could recognise that it was emotionally healthier for both of us even tho he didn't want to divorce.  And actually after a while I realised it didn't matter how scared I was to leave, I was more scared to stay.

Can I ask a question - how did you find out he was secretly visiting adult book stores?

hugs.
 

okay.  Tulip, I think it's a real possibility you have to brace yourself to face up to a whole lot more you don't know about.  If you are having sex with him I also think you have to consider STD's.  From what I understand the adult bookstores are often hook up spots.  sorry.  

Personally speaking, I have found that getting divorced hasn't been about gaining a future so much as facing up to my past.

It has taken courage and not easy, but from the first day I woke up in my new home, soul deep I am more relaxed.  

So sorry Tulip.  Different time indeed.  Mine is bi, and I had NO idea, learning on my anniversary the news, after years of a BAD life (for him and me), given his medical problems.  As you state, we are comfortable together, share many likes/interests, and enjoyed years of each other's friendship and support. I feel like I am his mother, and he does love me and I him, just that between his medical and his unmet needs for male companionship, I don't ever feel that we will be whole.  I am sad all of the time, and miss passion in my life, but also temper that with no nearly 30 year marriage has teenager like attraction and awe anymore, and I should just be happy with someone who is my friend and who is finally a nicer person to be around post truth coming out (I found out, quite ugly scene, he did not willingly tell...nor did he tell his therapist of nearly 10 years until a few months before I found out).  I keep telling myself that the age old adage that the grass is greener on the other side is true, and all these men that come onto me (unsolicited, and unreciprocated, but quite a bit of late) would only be a passing fling, not the bond I have with my spouse, but also feel lost and lonely most of the time, and more of a mommy figure than a love interest for my spouse given all my years of caretaking while he was ill (still is).  I know caregivers talk about feeling this way was well.  True lost girl.

My situation is different because my husband, who had admitted after we were married to being "bi", announced  after his parents died and he had had a health crisis that he was gay and was ending the marriage.

I responded at the time that I would date because I was devastated and angry that after years in a cold and sexless marriage at almost 60 I was going to have to start over. I thought that I should just die and make it all easier for him and the children: none of them needed me any longer. I was what I had felt like for years: a superfluous woman.

Then I contacted the Straight Spouse Network and it passed my contact information along to a wonderful woman who by phone helped me stop feeling like a failure. I consulted an attorney to get the spousal support I needed. I found a pamphlet at church for widows on how to rebuild and I started rediscovering the parts of myself that I had let go of in order to get by. I started planning a future without him.

Despite my flippant comeback I did not date immediately. I realized that I was too broken to be a partner to anyone who was not a total wreck himself. I did become more outgoing however and I paid more attention to my appearance. I tried new things. As I felt happier I smiled more and the world smiled back. Post-divorce I realized that in all likelihood I would be better off financially not to marry but latter-in-life relationships can be happy ones.

It has been over six years since his announcement. We are divorced and I maintain a cordial relationship with him and his family because of our children, for which the children are grateful. I would never have thought to leave him because after 30+ years I had accepted that this was just how marriages become but once he opened that door and left I realized how much I'd missed and how lucky I have been to get this chance to seek joy.