Flakes,

Sorry .sounds like tearsofsadsness instead flakesofglitter

I guess me and my gay ex have been seperated. At a fundamental level...really since the day she started having an emotional affair with her girlfriend.  Being a stay at home mom did not stop her from destroying the family and finances.

I noticed you talk a lot about him..him yelling his aunt and how hard it is on him.. He sounds like a saint in that regard compared to my raging lezex.

Be careful with his trustworthyness.  That could change when money and parenting time comes up... ask me how I know.  Sharing the kids while not divorced and with no legal seperation in agreement in place depends on 2 parents that can be trusted..
In your small steps for YOURSELF I urge you..no I implore you to make sure you;

A.  Gather all financial info you know about..bank accounts, stick, insurance, etc. Credit cards etc.. make sure you have your own.  Expenses also.
B. Shop for a lawyer ..much like the therapist search..
C. Seek medical help..phychiatrists etc that can give you pills etc.
D. Stock cash away..
E. Open your own checking at some point.

Etc..folks on the board know the drill..

Your KIDS need a strong parent that is unconditionally for them.  Your husband is not it.    He will never be for you.. he is not your friend anymore..at least not one that can be trusted.  The universe is not centered around him.

So.sorry.. discreetly make your plans..  walk by faith and what you know in your bones to be right.  Think of the kids..dont dwell on the magnitude and horribleness of it all.. stoic..in the end we will show our kids more love than then our lying spouses can comphrehend..and ours is the real kind.

Prayers and ehugs..

And I need to add, why couldn't he wait a couple more days... My birthday is Wednesday... Couldn't he give me one last great birthday... Jerk!

Flakes,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  There is no roadmap for how to handle this, especially when you're still living together.  Have you made the decision to begin the journey of "uncoupling" (as they say in Hollywood), or are you still at a point of confusion over what you want?  I'll only say that what we all seem to want is for our marriage to work.  If you knew that couldn't happen now, would that make it easier to move on?  If you had assurance that this wasn't the best man you'd ever get, would that help?  Ask yourself what is TRULY holding yourself up.  It's usually fear.  Once we can descipher what the actual fears are, then we can start breaking them down.

I know that when I was trying to find the strength to walk away, it all just felt so overwhelming.  So I took each fear and took it to it's eventual worst conclusion, to see if the fears were justified.  Here's how that worked for me:
1. I was afraid that my extended family would think I was a horrible person for breaking up my family.  Okay - so I ran with that.  What if they thought it was horrible of me? Would I rather have them think it was horrible, and then eventually get over it (because they love me and my kids), or would I rather stay because of the pressures of family, when I felt that I COULDN'T stay any longer?  Was I more worried about my own heart, or theirs?  I was over 40, for God's sake.  It suddenly occurred to me that I would rather do what makes me happy and let them all deal with it than the other way around.  I'd done that for a long time, and it wasn't working.

2.  I was worried that my kids would be ruined from divorce.  Divorce is never easy on kids.  But would it have been better to stay in a marriage where their role model was no passion, no intimacy, no obvious love, and no real true joy?  How did I know that an intact poor marriage would be better for them than breaking up?  I didn't.  I assumed it did.

3.  What if I never found a better man???  He was a decent guy.  He didn't cheat (that I knew of), didn't heavily drink or abuse me or the kids.  He brought his paycheck home and spent all his time with us.  The kids loved him.  What if I was asking for too much by wanting intimacy in my marriage?  Hadn't women settled for this for millennia and been just FINE?  Maybe this was the best that I could expect.  Then I realized that while I had no assurance of finding happiness if I left, I WAS assured that I wouldn't if I stayed.

4.  Finances.  I could see no way to do it on my own.  It was already tight with two incomes.  Soooo, what would happen if I  couldn't make it?  I would have to..... move to more affordable housing.  An apartment vs. a house.  Would that kill my kids?  No.  I wasn't going to wind up on the street in the gutter.  My family had my back - these kids weren't going to go unfed or sleep out in the rain.  They will would still have everything they needed.  It was ME who was putting requirements on their childhood - that they couldn't survive unless they lived in this house, or a big house, or in this neighborhood, or with this level of extras.  But they didn't NEED that.  They needed to be raised in a happy home, with a happy mother.  I could do that.  I could make it work somehow.

Open a separate bank account that your husband doesn't know about.  Don't have the statements sent to the house - ask that they only be sent electronically via email.  Then start stashing your money in it.  Having something of your own that YOU control is empowering.  Knowing that you're taking tiny steps toward independence helps the ball get rolling.

Then get yourself to a lawyer.  He should not have $10K in an account on his own that is for a house.  What the f*ck's THAT about, anyway?  What do you think would happen if you told him that you wanted to be on that account, with the stipulation that you both need to be present to withdraw from the account?  I'll bet you'd be met with resistance.  And that should tell you something.

He can't really take your name off accounts.  But he could transfer the money from a joint account into an account without your name on it.  Easy as pie.  Protect yourself.  Get thee to a lawyer and listen to his advice about how to proceed with regards to money, what support would likely look like, etc.  Once you have REAL answers, it's much easier to see your way out of the dark.  At least you'll know how big your flashlight is then.  It can help.

Best to you -

Kel
 

Flakes,

There will be a "discovery" process as part of the divorce where your husband will be required to put on paper ever penny he has. He won't lie about the account with the 10K in it, because he'll perjure himself. And, that 10K is a marital asset, regardless of whose name is on the account. It belongs to both of you. 

Sue

It AMAZES me that these people think that we would give them our blessing to cheat on us, and enable them to do so.  WHAT is in that for US?  Why stay married if it means nothing?  Marriage is supposed to mean forsaking all others.

He may very well miss his best friend.  You may be HIS best friend, but that doesn't mean he's acting like a friend to you at ALL. A friend won't lie to you, deceive you, hide their identity from you (where it pertains to you directly), and then drop the bottom out from under you and expect you to support THEM.  If that's a friend, then WTF's an ENEMY?  Would they just do it all without the fake words and smiling?

Sue is right about the shared marital assets.  He can't keep it just because he neglected to put your name on it.  The state sees it as a joint asset because they see marriage as a shared venture.  Which is why 401k's are subject to being split, too - it was earned while you were together.  Now,.... none of that precludes him from SPENDING the money.  He could go out and blow it all on hookers and blow, and there'd be nothing you could do to recoup that loss.  So it's a very good idea to get a separation agreement going, which blocks him from doing such things without it truly affecting him in court during the divorce.

As for needing a lawyer, yes, you need one.  But if you have them all over the family, you may be able to get by with just using one of them.  Keep in mind though that they may consider it a conflict of interest and turn down the opportunity to represent you.  You can pick their brains all you want now, though.  They need to know the laws in your state in order to be helpful to you personally.  Just keep in mind that anything you divulge to them about your situation may get around the family real quick.  From the gay thing to your personal finances to having the family have opinions on things they should never have intimate knowledge of.  I do NOT recommend using the same lawyer.  You don't need to fight - you can have a very civil and agreeable divorce.  I did.  That just meant that we agreed on everything in writing before going to court.  So there was never an ill word said against each other in court.  The lawyers were just there to know the law, give recommendations to each of us, and write it all out.  We signed it after some back and forth, and voila - we were divorced.  It took all of 2.5 months from my first call to the lawyer to the ink drying on the divorce decree.  If you have the option of purchasing a legal plan through work, it's about $10 a month and oh-so-worth-it.  It cost me about $650 for the actual divorce - court costs and filing fees, etc.  I paid it all because if we waited for him to do so, we'd still be married.  It was worth it.

Keep trying on the counselor.  It'll help.

Kel