jkpeace, 

Of course they weren't all false.  Your husband has/had love for you.  You built a family together.  

What you speak of, "knowing all my intimate moments were not what I thought they were."  This has to be the hardest of anything we go through.  But we do it to ourselves.  I still struggle with trust issues when someone wants me, because I wonder when it will go away, and if it is actually real.  It's a uniqueness no one will understand but the people on this board.  

I think I shared with you that our best friends prior, during, and after our marriage, had lost their 6 month old to SIDS, and a few years later, we lost our friend to a massive and sudden heart attack.  During this time, he and his partner were mostly the ones in contact with our friends, because the guys were friends before "we" all became friends.  It was best for me to leave the memories of the 4 of us behind, and I was replaced anyway by his partner.    But during those moments of grief, our friendship and love for our friend brought back many memories of all of our great times.  Those didn't go away because he was gay.  They were still great times.   I had to sit with him and his partner, and our friend's grieving wife and kids, and for once, it was not about him.  It was about all of us.  Sounds ridiculous, but it was incredibly healing to know that.  Afterwards, his partner came to me to thank me for being such a positive force in my ex's life.  He also shared how much it hurt to hear all of the happy times we all had.  As hard as it was for me to hear that without wanting to say, "oooh....violins please...." I realized that we all have our own pain, and our own ways to process memories. 

Don't mistake your happy memories for lies.  Not all of your memories are lies.  He did love you.  Just not in the way that you needed or deserved.  It would be hard for me to believe that there was nothing there, ever, at all.    But that's just me, glass half full.  

Your oldest daughter may be a support here; I remember you saying she understood.  Looking at photographs always put me to tears, but I saved many of our adventures to remind myself that there were great things we did together.  Regardless of TGT, how he treated me, how I was destroyed, I still rebuilt.  Looking at those photos now, it feels no different than looking at a photo of a lost loved one.  

Be good to yourself, JKPeace.  Feel what you feel when you feel it.  You have no need or responsibility to spare your children from your feelings, but I understand that you love them and want to protect them.  Maybe framing them differently and focusing on the good and fun things you all did together as a family will help in the times you are seeing red about what he did, who he is, or how he's acting.  I always thought of it as a wishful place in time that I had , even if for a moment, of him.  And it helped. 

Hang in there, lostdad.  Eventually those memories won't feel like they have baggage.  It's really raw right now.  

Separating the positive and happy from what happened after is a struggle.  But if you travel back there, it's likely it really WAS happy.   Life changes.  Circumstances change.  

When we let the cloud of lies taint everything, it can get pretty dark.   She is who she is now.  Once you accept that, forgive, and move forward it will get easier.**    I promise!  

**side note:  many people will think I'm insane for saying this when they are reading.  They will cross their arms, refuse to accept, refuse to forgive, and refuse to move forward.  While there is value in moving through every emotion this horrible situation brings...there is little value in holding on to it such that it harms your spirit and soul.  

You guys are both doing great.  Keep moving.  Keep supporting your hearts and your authentic selves.  It DOES get better. 

Hugs
 

I would ask does it matter now ?  Knowing one way or another does not change the outcome. To use someone else's analogy - we just got hit by a meteorite.. I think you need to look forward not backwards. One day you can assess what it meant from a happier place.  Right now it's about what is ahead of you and not the past.

I understand what you mean.  I'm several years post-disclosure and happily in love again, and I still struggle with this.  It honestly doesn't cross my mind much anymore, except when old pictures present themselves or the kids want to know about older stories that include their dad.  I manage those feelings in the moment.  I manage pictures and memories differently.

Moments in time are easier - because I'm usually discussing them for a reason - for someone else's benefit (usually my kids').  So I tell the story from the viewpoint of what they'd like to hear - the memories as they pertain to them.  I keep the gay thing out of it entirely - even if when recanting the story, it makes me think of how that all may have (or many not have) been "fake".  I try to see a happy memory as a permanent happy memory - if we were all playing on the beach in the sand and we were all having a blast, then it's a good thing.  I try to keep it that way.  I don't ruminate on these stories except for where they pertain to my kids.

Some memories are bad memories - all those times in bed that I could feel his performance was perfunctory.  All the times I begged him to see me - want me.  And sometimes something in these days/times will trigger those emotions and make me react much more strongly now to something than I would have without those past experiences.  I try to not make my current husband suffer for what my past husband did to me.  There are scars there, and he understands that.  And it's okay with him for me to tell him that I'm feeling some of that past pain bubbling up, and talk about it.  Usually this reveals a solid explanation for what's going on now (now, he's not rejecting me because he doesn't desire me  - he's just got horrible diarrhea that he wasn't planning on mentioning!).  And then that old pain is just gone.  And he holds me a bit closer and give me the reassurance that I needed before I understood the situation.  But I don't EVER just throw a little pity party or fit without telling him what's bubbling up inside of me.  This sort of thing happens maybe once, twice a year, max.

Photos are different.  They are very concrete and you cant' just look at the part that brings you happiness - it's all one image.  Sometimes I see pics that are a simple family portrait, and look at my ex's face and think, "Did he know then?  Why is he smiling if this was all fake?".  But I can put that pic down.  I don't throw them out because those are timestamps in my kids' lives.  It's THEIR truth, their childhood.  If I look at a pic with them, I do the same as I do with a story - say, "remember this Halloween?  You see that mask on your brother?  You cried every.single.time he put the mas on for DAYS before you got used it it.  And you wore that costume every day for 6 months after that!"  I don't even mention their dad unless I can factor him into the story in some positive, benign way: "You rode on your dad's shoulders that Halloween and wouldn't even get down for candy - you wanted it delivered to your in-hand pumpkin!"  I tell them the truth, but I'm re-writing some of the things that I remember about that day (or now see when I look at us in the pic).

It's not easy.  But it gets much easier as you create a meaningful existence today, and start making new memories.

Kel
 

That was me..
Emergency... TGT is an emergency..  When in shock from discovery even more so.  And for those that think it isn't..    it came up when I was screamed and raged at for splitting an account (half is fair)  during the divorce  from my cheating gay ex.   She swore and screamed at me at some point stating that the account was for "emergencies".   Huh?  You're cheating with a woman on me and filed for divorce., you lied and desecrated our marriage ..I declare an emergency.  I equate it to being hit by a bus, a fire or flood.   TGT is actually worst because the trust we had in our spouse can never be replaced.      

I re-iterate for everyone to seek help and support when in shock from discovering TGT.