thanks for sharing your thoughts SW. 

How did i find out? All the signs were there for years and years now, but I just didn't have the courage to face reality then. Web browser logs, facebook searches, late night outs almost everyday, leaves the house very early on weekend mornings, almost 0 visibility in the house even on weekends, always irritable when asked about his whereabouts, always on his phone or on his tablet or laptop, basically, everything else that anyone can think of!

I finally had the courage to confront him early December 2016. I asked him to be brutally honest with me, and he did. I asked how he does things, turns out it's online sites, the gym (as I've always suspected), bars. I asked him to let me know the email account he uses. He did not want to, but I kept pushing him until he finally showed me the email address. I asked him to delete that email account to avoid any further temptations (since the bulk of his communications is in that email). He resisted the idea, but gave in. After 2 days, the curiosity in me kicked in, I recovered that email account, and voila! everything was there for me to see and read! craigslist, adam4adam, realjock, and a lot of "personal" emails from all these messed up men.  

"And why does he say he's bi?  Were any of these women?"
He told me (and I believe him) that he did anything with any woman, because for him, that is cheating. CRAP and TWISTED, I know! He said that in his mind, he's justifying his acts that as long as he does not do it to any girl, he's still sticking to that promise he made 18.5 years ago, that I am the only girl in his life. He also claims that he is attracted to women as well (not sure how true this is).  

"There is also the risk that if even 1% of these men are a little crazy, you run the risk of them following him home or intruding on your lives somehow."
This was also what my dad told me, that's why my dad is so insistent on me and my kids moving out of the house asap. There's still a lot to say in my mind. I'm just still so overwhelmed with all the things I keep finding out everyday....

Last edited by straightandlost (January 12, 2017 4:28 pm)

holy crap S&L.  I'm so sorry.  But I'm also so, so glad that you have the support of your family and that your Dad knows!  Does your husband know that he knows those details?  There's a little piece of me that thinks that's hilarious and hoping that your husband is incredibly embarrassed!  It's good that you have a place to go if you decide you want out asap. 

Thanks Lostdad for your reply.
Is it actually worth it to do marriage counseling / couples therapy after all these sh*t? Has anyone actually lived through and ended up happy after therapy?

I believe him when he said that I still am the only woman for him, reason he wants to hang on to this very thin thread that's keeping this marriage together.  BUT, I don't see him changing his ways or any willingness to change his ways. He still regularly goes to the gym and to this cycle bar where he's had encounters with these men. He openly admitted to me that he wants to remain "friends" with certain men. He still responds to text messages and calls of men he's f'*d up. He sends via text msg birthday, christmas, new year's greetings to these select men, he considers his "friends", even after our talk that he completely avoid all of them. I do not know how true his words are when he claimed that he hasn't seen these special men (classified as "personal" in that email account) since I told him that I already know all that he's done. Just yesterday, I found out that he's logged back in to one of the websites he frequents This is after the fact that he told me last December that he hasn't gone to those websites after the initial confrontation, and that he doesn't plan on logging back in to any of those sites.

I have gone to my Dr. and had myself tested for HIV and STD, and all results came back negative. I also forced him to get tested again (another shocker: I found out that he does go for testing on a regular basis).

Dear Catherine,
I am almost in the same boat as you! I was married for 1 year 11 months when I found a man to man sex encounter ad posted by my husband (in all his naked glory...FACE INCLUDED).  What I have learned is that he has had sexual encounters with 5 men and only ONE woman-but he isn't gay! "No I am not!!!" he swears.

My husband "plays" religious. He has love bombed me so much I got an ulcer (aka sending gifts of strap ons [why does he think I would EVER do that], slutty shoes, jewelry, flowers, coupons for a couples massage (where was that BEFORE discovery day!?!?!?...showing up daily... DAILY).

He gaslights me- "I am still sweet steve, I am LETTING you keep the modem [that you bought]!!!"  
He minimizes what he did, that it is EVIDENCE OF ABANDOMENT OF MARRIAGE IN COURT- "Please forget that fucking craigslist ad!!"  Of course you would want that wouldn't you?

So I have a few questions for you.  These are rhetorical...just answer them in your head if you dont want to do it publicly.
1) Has your husband frequently turned you down for sex?- In 1 year, 11 months of marriage I got sex 3 times (that averages 1.5 times a year). BEFORE we got married, we had it pretty regularily before the marriage but while in the engaged phase. I believe, in his mind, he could get excited because it was DEVIANT sex (aka sex out of wedlock. Against the religious "rules".  My husband likes having "secrets" that "no one would ever expect").
2) Does you husband need viagra/celexa/other drugs to have sex with you? - After I got married MINE DOES. He goes soft. Now, after discovery day, he has gone to a psychiatrist to get a viagra prescription and I am supposed to come in and "learn" about ED (aka erectile disfunction).  The thing is, my husband ADMITTED he doesn't need viagra to be with men, but he NEEDS it to be with me!  Do you see the problem here?  MY pussy doesn't do it for him. It is not ED. It is- "I am with the wrong gender"
-And here is the kicker-
3) Did your marriage vows have something along the lines of "foresaking all others"?  Do you know what that means? It means your hubby's dick is the ONLY dick. Your vagina is the ONLY vagina. When an opinion, thought, decorum, rule, more, or judgement is to be passed-the only one that matters is that of THE SPOUSE.  Your hubby has had HUNDREDS of other dicks. He broke that rule.  Mine has had "maybe" 5?" but he stepped out and TRIED to break the rule. My gaslighting husband writes me emails saying "I recognize I have hurt you. Please realize I promise you with 105% certainity I will never do it again!"  My retort to this is "You were supposed to NEVER do it? Remember our marriage vows! Did you not understand English, your native tongue, at that moment?  You picked that vow amongst MANY translations, I remember?"

So that is my question to you. He broke his vow. He isn't mentally handicapped. When he went into marriage with you, he was making a promise. He broke that promise HUNDREDS of times (per you). What makes you think he is going to keep his promise now?  The fact that you know?  Darling, that only gives him incentive to be more crafty!

Initially, I wanted to let my husband back or do an open marriage. But I listened to the experiences of other women in my straight spouse network meetings and I learned : 1) "The lies will only get more deeper and more twisted" 2) I will turn into a private detective...wondering if the new guy friend is REALLY just a friend...is the new girl at the office REALLY a new girl or is she a fuck buddy?...3) give me every password for every account you own so I can monitor it!!! 4) calling my cyber security/NSA/CIA/MIL (I keep the phone lines and internet safe for our soldiers!) friends for password popper programs [I live in DC. We are our own weird world here]. My point is: you will either go back to being a happy clueless chump that gets screwed over again...or you will wear yourself out to the point of exhaustion trying to physically and virtually track him down.

Since I am wearing shoes of the same manufacturer (can they be Nine WEST!?!?!), but different designer, I will tell you what I have chosen.
I have selected: Post nup (I got a retirement to protect...I am a fed worker...and my super religious MIL is on my side so he gets pressure from 2 ends), or divorce. I don't have the mental, physical, and emotional energy to live a lie. I don't want to be the human tracking him down like a private investigator. I just want him GONE so I can FORGET him and MOVE ON to being happy and content.

His drama has given me an ulcer. I hope you have more wear-with-all.