Catherine,

Yes, you are in shock, who wouldnt be.     Gather strength by finding your own therapist, lawyer, priest/rabbi/pastor..  See a doctor or phyciatrist who may prescribe antidepressants to help.   Do this is small baby steps ..at whatever  pace you can manage.  Perhaps one day open your own checking account,  the next day call some lawyers.   If you can't do that.. just get out of bed.

These are the steps that need to be done.   But Its 50 times as hard because we are usually in shock and it takes strength to even breath or get out of bed.    


//General rant//
Unfortunately  these wonderful spouses of ours drop this on us after they have already snuck around, cheated, seen an attorney , (in my ex's case) picked out a house to live with their lover, etc.    We are left wondering what we did wrong.  We would never sneak behind their back let alone cheat..   It is this breaking of trust and blatant lack of morality that shocks and paralyzes us.    We then have to navigate a
dealing with the betrayal, hurt and separation while in a debilitated state.    We need to seek help and support where ever we can find it.      Our spouses have outright betrayed us and  we need help for ourselves and kids.  
Because these horrible spouses are not looking out us or the kids.
This we know deep in our bones.
//

You did nothing wrong.  You don't deserve this.      Start taking baby steps for you and your kid.


 

Last edited by Rob (January 12, 2017 7:22 am)

I'm so sorry Catherine.  I agree with jkpeace - that makes him gay, not bi.  That whole statement doesn't even make any sense!

I went through a lot of the self pity you're describing.  From time to time it still creeps up on me even years later.  But, oddly enough, my ex mother in law said something to me once that I've shared here before.  She went through a lot of suffering earlier in her life including losing a young son to cancer.  We have remained close even throughout the divorce.  She is a very sweet and very spiritual person.  She is a Christian but studies other religions in her retirement.  One time we were emailing back and forth and I was so sad and I remember typing the words "why me"??  She responded with: the question you have to ask yourself is, why not you? 

I know at the stage you're in  that you may not be ready to hear that yet.  But for me, who at the time was already five + years into it....it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized that everyone has extreme emotional pain at some point in their lives.  For me it was the gay thing.  For her it was losing her son.  If I step back, I see that many if not all of my friends and co-workers have suffered great pain from cheating spouses who have lied for 20 years, sick children, miscarriages, losing parents at a young age, awful car accidents.  No one escapes pain in their life.  Unfortunately, this is just your time and your thing.  For me, looking at it from that angle helped me immensely.  I mean, who the heck was I to assume that everyone else around me should have bad things happen and that I should be exempt?  I started to look at things a whole lot differently from that point.

Like I said, I had already had years of living in the why me phase at that point so I was ready to hear and understand her level of thinking.  She wasn't trying to minimize my suffering.  I think she was absolutely right. 

All that said, I know you're in a terrible place right now.  Why people think it's ok to carry out a lie for so many years is very hard to comprehend.  What concerns me here is that he consulted not only one, but three different attorneys?  Why?  Did the first one not tell him what he wanted to hear?  Did he pick the one who said you would get nothing?  Also, has he served you yet?  And in a divorce where the parties are still talking and living together, you don't have to be served.  He can hand the papers to you.  There's a fee to be served which can easily be avoided.  This all seems very strange to me.  Make sure you interview lawyers of your own since he has chosen this route.  Don't be caught off guard.  Familiarize yourself with your accounts if you haven't already and make sure there haven't been any large withdrawals.  This is the part that angers me the most.  It's not enough that he lied the entire time but now he wants to make it so you get nothing?  This isn't a why me thing....it's a why is he such an ass thing!  I know it's hard when you're still in shock, but you need to prepare for whatever it is he has coming.  Hang in there and come here for support.

Keep the faith Catherine.  It gets better.  As my guru Jim Henson says, "Life's like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing keep pretending...."   Sometimes we have to muster up hope of a better life.  Try not to live in the "Why Me?".  You've already identified some of the good things in your life.  Stay true to who you are...

Hugs

Catherine,
You ask "why me"? I have been asking that for 31 years and have realized through reading these posts and learning what a narcissist is that nothing in my marriage of 31 years has every been about me. It has always been about him. If you examine your life with him you will realize this. What we spouses go through is much like when someone has died, and in a sense, something has died,our life as we knew it. There are stages of grief that we go through, not in order and sometimes over and over. Look up the stages of grief. I have finally done the acceptance part. I accept who he is. Not what he has done to me.
You are just beginning to realize what is, take your time ,take care of yourself, and know that we are here to help you.

Yeah, the comments from the therapist are very creepy.  I've had the thought for a very long time, that many within the behavioral sciences who themselves might be gay...are they pushing their own agenda? In our hurt, pain, seeking advice and guidance can we really trust some of them?  Truly, makes me wonder.