OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- dancerbeck
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Re: Recovery
Thanks JK I posted this because healing and recovery needs to be the most important aspect of this journey. This is a life crushing, devastating thing to have happen to you. Once you get that THIS HAPPENED, nothing can change it, no amount of explanation can make it right you will realize that you still have so much life left to live. And so very much can be learned about ourselves from this experience that can help us to learn and grow and have an even better life ahead. BUT we cannot ever get there if we insist on clinging to our hatred or mistakes. If we make it a mission to move forward and recover from this nightmare, we open ourselves to the possibilities of much greater things. Life awaits, it really does.
- Keepinghope
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Re: Recovery
JK, I'm still with you, feeling his lies and betrayals tainted 25 years of marriage. How can I forgive that, or appreciate the good things he did bring, since it all feels false now? I'm working on releasing the anger and hurt, accepting the facts and embracing the new reality. But forgiveness still seems a long way off.
My whole deal started 18 months ago with a shocking discovery, so maybe it is still too fresh. My life is going well and I am beginning to dwell on it and him less and less. But forgive? Not yet. Maybe releasing him will be forgiveness, and I'm getting closer.
- Rob
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Re: Recovery
JK,
What great advice to everyone.. I definitely let the financials keep me from acting after I found out she was cheating. The financials with a disloyal gay spouse make absolutely no logical sense. So even if a gay spouse says they are sorry or says they care for the kids all one needs to do is take one look at the checking account to know its not true. They are not thinking about us or the kids by causing a divorce. I stayed stuck in this conundrum for awhile. At some point her torch and burn the finances attitude , coupled with the horrible inhumane treatment of me outweighed any fears I had of getting out of my sham of a marriage. At some point I decided the finances were not just my problem but her problem also.
My kids are better now also... I don't know about her house (don't know, don't care) but my home is relaxed and calm now.. there is no narcissistic drama...I don't get upset and go ballistic over small silly things. That coupled with me also not walking on eggshells....it was so worth getting away from her.
In my case, there reached a point where living on street was preferable to another day being raged at by a gay cheating spouse. I urge everyone to get a lawyer and protect themselves ...you may find out your financial problems are also your gay spouses problems also...do not let them place all the financial problems on you. Remember they may be entitled to half of everything when you separate... but they also are legally bound to half the debt.
Wishing everyone strength, courage and self love no matter where you are in your journey.
Last edited by Rob (January 15, 2017 11:45 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Judy
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Re: Recovery
Lily,
I completely agree with you. We were loving wives but if you are a younger person, you might label that co-dependent. I am not young at 66 and I spent a total of 48 years with mine. I also think forgiveness is yet another burden on someone who has been devastated by this. I asked my two therapists and they didn't seem to think it was all that important either. There are other ways to move past it without offering forgiveness to someone who has done something UNFORGIVABLE. The only thing I do agree with is releasing the anger. Anger wicks out into your day to day life all over the place. Probably the most detrimental part of this rage we all feel after being duped like this is it destroys your health. High blood pressure, being put on anti depressants that have long tern suicidal side affects, sleeping aids etc. I'm not having a stroke over this awful man. That's my motivation for dropping it. No place to go with it and it's only making me miserable. I am just 11 months from throwing him out. I am not going to put any burdens on myself to do much of anything, think much of anything or measure where I am in this process. I like me. I am strong and been through hell and back and still managed to survive. My new life is so wonderful. I'm going to protect it.
Judy
Last edited by Judy (January 19, 2017 6:02 am)
- Judy
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Re: Recovery
JKPeace,
Forgiveness is a gift these types don't deserve. Learn other ways to move out of it without benefiting the perpetrator in all this. It's working for me. It's a learned remedy but is much less unsettling than forgiveness.
Judy
- Judy
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Re: Recovery
Keepinghope,
You have a much healthier path that forgiving the jerk that did this to you. He clearly doesn't deserve it. Don't allow anyone to alter what is working. Nobody can tell you what is correct and what isn't in this process. It's a website full of information and understanding people that know how you feel but more to the point, it's just opinions. Take what you need that fits you and will contribute to the best chance at surviving this. That's all.
Judy
- Judy
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Re: Recovery
Out of my two therapists, one is a marriage counselor we once went to - which I opted for in the interest she knew him. The other was new to me and a specialist in this scenario. That's why I have two. Setting a time limit each day to allow myself to process being angry and then stopping it to focus on more positive things in my future is what has worked for me. I don't dwell on it anymore and I'd rather plan for the future than relive my terrible marriage and TGT with him. I rant to my dogs for a bit late at night, and then do other things. I have noticed I'm doing it less and less. I'm too busy to think about him or this during the day. I save the forgiveness in life to those who are sorry or contrite and make some sort of attempt to correct their behavior. He didn't do any of that. I believe in holding people accountable for their actions.
Last edited by Judy (January 19, 2017 6:14 am)
- Rob
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Re: Recovery
Judy,
The forgiveness we should seek is for our own peace..the anger and bitterness is not something I want to carry.. we carried enough for these losers. Not need to carry anything about them anymore. You described it right in being too busy and content to give them a second thought.
Unforgivable..sure. you could argue they are murderers in that they stole our lives (see the new passengers movie)... what I mainly have is grief...what i should have is more of your anger..I was just never an angry person (a real flaw that caused me to get stuck with a narcissist?) What I also have is fear..physical fight or flight fear...that I need to get over more than anger and bitterness.
I think I need some of your dogs.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Judy
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Re: Recovery
Rob,
Holding these people accountable for their outrageous lack of consideration for all of us is a good feeling and appropriate. Giving them forgiveness and a free pass after their actions is not. It's disturbing. I am aware of what the purpose is and the enormous spin about doing it but it would in fact-generate yet another reason to feel as if I gave him something HE DOESNT DESERVE. He's already gotten enough from me. Hurting people to this degree shouldn't get you any kind of understanding or kindness. That's offered to those who are contrite for what they did. There are other much healthier ways of releasing anger and it's working for me. Both of my therapists have provided clues on moving forward in this way as opposed to forgiving a man who did something unforgivable. Anger can be a motivator. Too much of prolonged anger is not. One of the steps in grief is anger. I have far too much anger and I'm trying hard to limit and release it by allowing a time for it with an eventual shut off. I am trying hard to redirect myself and stop allowing him to influence my life and take anything more from me. At first it was hard but I'm now breaking free knowing it has an expiration time. Eventually, I just won't need to rant anymore. Other things will eclipse my need for it. My dogs listen to the rant carefully. They sometimes remind me it's time to move on by yawning LOL. I believe in justice in life. Unfortunately, in this scenario there is very little. Have a peaceful afternoon. Thanks for the nice note!
Judy
Last edited by Judy (January 19, 2017 2:04 pm)
- phoenix
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Re: Recovery
I love the way you explained dealing with the anger Judy.
I've keep having people tell me that I have to forgive my ex so that I can move on and get over it. I'm sure there is truth to that, but I'm nowhere near ready to do that. I believe I could do that if she was genuine and came to me with a huge apology. But that won't happen anytime soon. Perhaps someday.. but it won't be soon.
Until that happens I have to figure out how to redirect my anger so that it doesn't hurt me.
I can forgive anyone for a mistake, no matter how horrible it was. But when someone knows exactly what they are doing and continues to do it, their apology means nothing to me. She voiced the words "I'm sorry" to me, but they were not sincere because they were in the midst of continue and blatant lies.
It's like a bank robber who plans to rob 10 banks getting caught on job #5. Everyone knows the bank robber is going to do it again, but he apologizes profusely for robbing the first 4 banks and trying to rob the 5th. If he changed his ways and honestly said he would never do it again you might accept the apology. But when he knows damn well he's going to do it again even while saying the words, "I'm sorry", would anyone forgive him? NO WAY.
RIght now, in my state of anger with my wounds still laid bare and bleeding, I cannot accept an apology from my ex as long as she is with the woman she cheated on me with and left me for. That means she's not sorry for doing what she did. You can't ask for forgiveness for something you will continue to do. I can't give forgiveness when I know she's not sorry. I just can't do it... right now at least.
I might reach a point where I can stop obsessing about it. But I don't know how to forgive.
What I struggle with is that this is not the Christian way that I'm taught to live. I know that I'm supposed to forgive because He forgives me. I'm supposed to forgive 7 x 70 times.. over and over and over.
I hope I can change someday and reach that point.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.