Absolutely correct. When I learned about narcissists I ended up discussing this with my parents to explain why everything was so messed up. Once I was done my mother let on that I just described my grandmother. Turns out she isn't the sweet old lady she lets on, she's a monster to her kids and their keeping her secret personality for her. I don't know the exact reasons for it all but I do see that there's something in the way my parents and relatives placated her that affected me to life this way with my ex.

It helped illuminate things but ultimately, as you say, it's on us to make sure we don't continue the cycle.

jkpeace

I'm still smack dab in the middle of mine.  Don't know if you seen this previous post, hopefully something helps


REPOST:
Hello,
Let me start by saying this can be for the guys too that are living with bi/gay wives.  Sorry I do not know all the terms for different preferences.  The way I see it, not important.  If you think your in a straight relationship and your spouse isn't, then the label is pointless.
I'm just starting to ask the question if my husband is.  I have not come out and asked for the simple fact I do not want to ask that of a straight man.  Most straight men will not tolerate that question, and in a straight relationship would add fuel to the fire if there already is problems.
Anyway, I have been reading posts, keeping my eyes and ears open.  I've learned the term "Gaslighting", thank you Vicky.  I knew something was wrong with all the craziness, but didn't have a name for it until I came here, had never heard of it.  I read up on Narcissist (which there are different levels) and watched a documentary on it.
I'm sorry I can ramble, so let's get to what I hope will be encouragement.

1. Take A Step Back (This Is Where Clarity Starts)
2. Take Care Of Yourself (This Is Where Encouragement & Fortitude Starts)
3. Take Control Of Your Life (Not Theirs)
4. Don't Beat Yourself Up For Loving Someone (It's One Of The Greatest Joy's In Life) Even the Ones That Are Suppose To Be Unlovable
5. Don't "Gaslight" Back In The Heated Arguments (I'm Guilty Of That)
The Old Playground Saying "Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Never Harm Me" Is A Lie!  Harmful, Hateful Words Get Down In The Soul Of A Person And Are Like A Rotting Cancer, First To The Receiver And Then The Giver.
6. Forgive Yourself & Apologize If You Did
7. Respect Yourself (Believe In Your Insticts) CAUTION: I Have Sibling Her Instincts Are All Over The Place.  My Point Is You Know Whether Your Instincts Have Served you Well In The Past. If They Haven't then just be Cautious Before Accusations.
8. Instead Of Accusations Turn Them Into Questions.
9. Then Keep Quiet (I Have 4 Grown Sons, I Always Told Them "If Your Always Running Your Mouth You Never Learn Anything") Not Always Easy In An Argument, Practice Makes Perfect.  You Will Be Amazed At What You Learn.
10. Take A Deep Breath, It's All Another Stepping Stone In Life.  Try And Look At All The Positives Not The Negatives.

Funny How Most Relationships Have  Strong Person & A Weaker One...
Guess What We Are The Strong Ones
Don't Forget That

Please Forgive Me If I Sound Like A Know It All....I Don't That's Why I Am Here.  I Wanted To Share What Has Served Me Well Over The Years Hoping It Will Help Hurting People.

Take The Baby Steps Ladies And Gentlemen you will soon be walking then running.
May God Bless All Of You, Love & Peace To All

Hi all, I'm probably a veteran here but I'll share things from my vantage point.  Everyone's is different.  I'm now 15 years post leaving.  I haven't remarried, I haven't been in a meaningful relationship.  Is this by choice? No.  I'm carrying around tons of trust issues and have yet to find someone who truly understands me for me, and loves me anyway.  I know it's so much of the iron cloak of his s**t I wore for so long, but I have to own my part in it (self protection) is one big thing.  
Once I left, I had the freedom to be who I was without criticism (irony, huh?).  I always was a strong willed person, but wonderfully kind and supportive (probably too much so).  I worked past the anger quickly, because I believed then what I believe now:  He loved me the best way he could.  He thought he could love me and be a husband, and he couldn't.  He thought he could live a lie, but he couldn't.  
The one thing I told him when we split (I had to walk out, and he didn't want me to) is that I was never angry about who he was.  He could only be that.  Given his upbringing in a strict catholic home with a naval sargeant racist father, his golden boy image could not be tainted.  Not his fault.  
However, him being gay was not mutually exclusive with him being an a**hole.  He was controlling, manipulative, a liar, and when called out on it, completely blamed it on me.  I continued to remind him that he could have told me, that he could have been honest, but if I really think about it, he'd lied his entire life--to everyone.  Why in the world would I expect he would be honest with me?  

When I shut the door to our life together, I also left the anger at TGT. I didn't leave the anger of him being a complete ass.  That took a little longer.   I let my attorney deal with most everything through the divorce to preserve my heart and my sanity.  I leaned on friends for support. 
Years later, I visited the town he lived in on business and had dinner with he and his partner.  What I learned (and he hated) was that his partner was the victim of much of his assholery as well.  So, it wasn't just TGT, it was just him.   We actually laughed about it.   What I didn't laugh about was when they proposed to me a few years later to have a kid with them (yes!  real story)...but you'll all love my response--"no thanks, I've carried your baggage around long enough.  Not interested in carrying a kid for "Us". "
I choose not to stay in contact with them, I don't hold ill will, anger, or hatred.  It feels fantastic, but more than that, it feels authentic.  It feels like me.  

So many people, as they found out along the 8 years of not all of our college friends knowing (as many of you have stated we were the "perfect, fun loving couple"), would ask me, "why did you let him get away with what he did to you? I would have....."  People had lots of advice for me.  I knew one thing:  that regardless of the way he treated me, I would stand up for myself when necessary, but never get down in the dirt.  So not worth it.  At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to look myself in the mirror, and like what I see.  I'm still working on the liking part, but I can look into my heart and feel peace, knowing I was me, I handled things the way I felt preserved my spirit and my true self.   That's what gives me peace, every day. 

Peace to all of you in your road to recovery and if anyone wants someone to virtually lean on, I'm here. 

jkpeace,
I hope I'm not coming across as everything is just easy peasy here because it isn't.  I learned from here (from Vicky) what gaslighting was, had never heard of it before.  That led me to reading up and watching a documentary on Narcissist behavior.  Those two subjects have brought much clarity.
My life with mine has been a 20 year love, education, re-think, second look at life.  I am almost 54 and have my moments of self pity, but I try not to stay in it.  I have my faith, I am a Christian and view many things from that stand point.  I as a believer have learned that forgiveness benefits myself as well as the receiver.  The older I get the quicker (that's not saying immediate 😊) I am to forgive. 
I am strong willed, have a tendency toward a quick temper (thank goodness not as quick as in my younger years) make my own mistakes, but with all that I always remind myself that I'm loving, honest, caring & compassionate person.  I'm  very much imperfect in my own ways.
God is in control of it all.  Nothing happens before it passes through his hands.  I ask why sometimes I seem to get what seems to be more than my share.  Then I wonder if maybe God has given me more because I am stronger than I think. 
Yes I feel the anger everyone else does, the hurt, the betrayal.
But at the end of the day I see mine and still have empathy,compassion & feel sorry for him and his torment. 
I think I'm rambling as usual, hoping something helps others.  I'll close for now.
May God bless with Peace & Love
Hugs to all
LC