Is it always? The stats I was shown indicate that %70 of separations/divorces are initiated by women. I don't know that having a closet lesbian wife would be different. If it's a higher %, I'd say it's due to the added manipulation and lies that existed and grew since the beginning of the relationship.

The rest of this is going to sound sexist and I think it's true. First, men take too much of our marriage as part of our self worth. We need to knock it off and teach our sons to take stock of themselves in their own aspirations and success, never mind her. Second, we've grown up seeing what the courts will do to a man who dares disappoint a woman. I've seen more than a few men financially ruined and go to jail because some judge agreed that he needs to "man up" aka lose access to his kids and pay her to stay at home like she's entitled to it.

Also in hindsight, I see the whole dynamic to marriage as being ridiculous. Shouldn't marriage be something 2 people agree to mutually? Deciding they both want this? Why do we get on our knees with thousands spent on jewelry? It looks like begging. And then the whole marriage ceremony just became a narcissistic one-woman parade. The whole thing is just gross to me.

Yes, I know I'm bitter. Yes, I know I'm ranting LOL.

Both of you also kept your vows, and you are both men, so it's not gender based.

I think there are a lot of factors that go into the lesbian admission initially feeling different than an admission of a gay man.  Now,.... if there is no admission, it's likely not a ton different - and that's because when we catch our spouse cheating on us, we feel that betrayal and loss.  But it's harder to catch the women, initially - because texting our girlfriends all day and even sleeping in the same room/bed with them is acceptable in our society.  So it looks like nothing until we FEEL it.  If they deny it though, it's harder to prove - they will just watch themselves a bit better.  But they can spend all the time in the world with their girlfriend and it's acceptable.

I think the biggest difference is that men are more taken by surprise by their wives coming out.  And that's because of not only the aforementioned, but also because there are certain things that make the whole issue not as noticeable initially.  For instance, we accept that our women don't want sex as often as their husbands.  And it's acceptable for them not to initiate and even spurn your advances at least occasionally.  Men don't view that as meaning anything.  Plus you can't see if they have a lack of physical excitement the same way a woman can see the absence of her husband's erection.  You may think her body doesn't produce moisture well enough, and solve the problem with lubrication.  And you may be used to the fact that a lot of women aren't into giving their men oral sex, or really all that into sex itself.  So you don't notice.  She's still at home, being a good mom, doing the cooking and cleaning thing, and that's part of what you view as being a good wife.  So you think everything's okay.

PLUS - the lesbian thing doesn't have the same stigma as the gay man thing.  Men in American society often view two beautiful lesbians (in porn) as an exciting, desirable thing.  It's part of their fantasy life.  So when their woman says that she's a lesbian, you think maybe you can somehow incorporate it into your intimate life.  ADD it.  Maybe just by watching lesbian porn together - because it turns you both on.  Or heck - maybe she'd like to bring another woman into the bedroom WITH you! Awesome!  If you do this, you'll see that she's WAY more into the other woman than she is you, and that's when it starts to feel shitty.  Or maybe you think you can let her have sex outside the marriage with a woman / women, and she can bring those juicy stories home to you. Everything can be the same PLUS, as far as you're concerned.  You don't initially realize that when she admits to being a lesbian, she's already broken her marriage vows, already decided that she wants a different lifestyle.  You don't want to separate from her - you were pretty happy until she told you this, after all.  And your kids - you're going to move out and not see them because she uttered the word lesbian?  You're going to give up what you've built financially and go live poorly so that you can support her and the kids from afar?  That doesn't sound very palatable.  Let's try to make this work.  It feels "new" to you.  So you think it's new to her, too.

By contrast, most women don't get an admission up-front from their husbands about being gay.  There is a stigma surrounding men wanting to touch each other (GROSS!), so they don't want to admit to that.  So you find stuff.  Stuff that paints a picture of how he's talking to other men or what he's been doing with them or looking at.  And it is NOT something we're okay with.  The thought of a your spouse licking something hairy and LIKING it is enough to make most women go INSANE!  Ewwww!  And there is another thing - when men are sleeping with men, we inherently know they crossed an invisible line a looooong time ago to let themselves get to this point.  It's firmly entrenched, and we know it.  We are usually already seeing signs that he doesn't want us (lack of erection, or frequency, or both), and we don't expect that from our society's men.  We knew something was wrong, but now we see that he DOES have desires - just not for US.  And that's really important for women - to feel desired by their men.  It's what drives our self-esteem in our marriage.

The final thing is that according to research, most times the women leave.  According to my own observation, most men don't leave unless they have something lined up to leave for - whether they're straight or not.  Women don't operate that way, typically.  They leave because they can no longer tolerate their current situation.  Men leave for something better - women leave to get rid of the torture they're in.  So if a man who's reasonably happy in his marriage and is being faithful learns his wife is a lesbian, he's not leaving because he's not being tortured and he doesn't see anything better than what he's got.  But a woman who finds out her husband is gay will leave just to get away from the hell that her life has become - even if she has no better option.  Keep in mind that the woman will assume that she will have her beloved children with her - the man assumes that he will lose that.

Eventually, we all wind up in the same boat; realizing that we're being ignored and abandoned for something that we can't fight.  That we're losing our spouse to this thing, and they aren't wanting to turn away from it - despite what they often tell us.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (January 5, 2017 1:45 pm)

Lost Dad, I have been reading the TedB thread.  you're right, it looks like he is preparing to leave the lesbian wife rather than her leaving him.  Nonetheless, he talks about something changing in her when she is telling him she is gay.

We've seen this before, the wife backtracking after a confession and usually it is successful, she regains control over her husband efficiently and easily.  But this time it looks like TedB is staying out.  The main difference I see is that he has been living apart for long periods already.  The factors that make it easier are the support of adult children and good finances.  

Still, TedB hasn't shown any confusion - he seems to have grasped the truth of his marriage straightaway.  I wonder if he is around to comment.  

Beautiful sentence Lily ...yeah..       Its so scary to realize our spouses' love is shallow and not strong...that they have no problem cheating on us.  TGT just make it more horrible and irrevocable ..

Ditto on the jaw dropped look.. I constantly had that as my ex spewed the most preposterous things...used to drive her crazy...    The sexting... "thats private"..     Those sex toys that showed up..."thats none of your business"...

I'm so glad to be away from such demeaning treatment.
 

Last edited by Rob (January 5, 2017 11:43 pm)