Jacquelinet2525 wrote:

PS. Question- tomorrow when I respond, do I do so in this box, or is there a way to answer under each person's individual post? Thanks!

You can respond to each post individually by clicking the "quote" link to the bottom right of each post.  You are welcome to do that as many times as you want and you can offer a unique reply to each post if you like.  There are no space constraints on this website.. Nobody cares if you post 10x in a row.   This is about all of us helping you and helping each other and helping ourselves, so don't worry about anything of the small stuff. 
 

Sometimes we need a third party to hear our story and then we realize we're not crazy and we have put up with so much.  I wouldn't call my psychiatrist  compassionate or even empathetic  (I call her the pill lady)  but one day after she listened she said "your abused".       I also read , in my lawyers office,  the pamphlet for battered woman;  I could check off almost all the abuse points..almost all of them short of "does your spouse beat you?"

I would say everything your doing is proper and wise..  Its about gathering strength and being kind to yourself.  Its about facing reality ..one cannot simply ignore the things our spouses did..   Our distrust is real and genuine...some here call it our gut, our instinct;  its our mind and body telling us something ..trying to protect us from harm.    That our spouses should not be the ones inflicting emotional or physical harm on us  is a good starting point.

a warm e-hug.


 

Jacquelinet2525 wrote:

This group has been a game changer for me. I'm amazed at the strength i feel now after only a few days.

This group has been a life saver for me as well.  No doubt!   I'm glad to hear that you are finding some relief from being here.  Please continue to use this resource.   You will find in time that you feel better not only from receiving the help and support, but also giving the support.  

If you are convinced that staying in a married, but platonic relationship is best for yourself and your kids, then you have my support.  I can completely understand the health and security and financial reasons. 

I will continue to challenge you.. if nothing else.. just to make you consider a few things to think over in more detail and if your mind isn't changed, you will at least have more confidence in your decision.. which is a good thing. 

Are you sure staying in a bad marriage with a cheating husband is really the best thing for your kids?  This is a frequent point of conversation on this forum.  I think the natural instinct of a parent is to endure hardship in order to protect the child.  We think that keeping status quo is best for our kids..  just don't disturb their life..  right?   But having been on this forum for 6 months and reading a lot on the internet, I'm so sure it is the best thing.  Sometimes it takes hard lessons in life to produce the best results.  A lot of women on this board talk about wanting to teach their kids first hand how to be a strong person, stick up for themselves, be honest, set boundaries about what is right and wrong.  Would you want your children to stay in a marriage like you are in?  Or would you want them to do the hard thing now so they can be happy for more of their life?  Don't you want to teach them to set boundaries in their own lives and show them not to accept a dishonest and cheating spouse?  

I had an assumption that my divorce would be easier on my kids later in life.. So I thought that if I could figure out a way to stay married for another 10 years until my youngest was out of high school I would be the champ and a great father and all that stuff..   Based on what I've been reading, my assumption was dead wrong.  It turns out that the younger the kids are, the easier it is for them to endure a divorce.  The older.. the harder..   I can't prove this of course.. but that's the conclusion I've come to after a lot of reading and study.     So are you sure waiting for your kids to be out of the house will make it easier on them?

Even if you are not having sex with him, are you sure he is a safe person to live with?  He's clearly willing to lie to you about relationships, but where does that stop?  Will he lie about money?  What happens if his secret life is revealed through someone else.. will he go crazy?  Will he throw you under the bus to make himself look better?  Are you positive he would never abuse you physically?   Are you willing to endure years of emotional abuse that will take more years to recover from?   What if he runs into legal issues from his actions?  What if those legal issues impact you or your finances?   What if he gets AIDS and the medical bills destroy your finances?  What if he loses his job because of his dishonesty?

I'm throwing a lot of "what if" questions at you.  Again, I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to change your mind.  I'm just bringing up what I've heard happen to so many other people on this site.  I just want to help you think about this from all angles and consider all options. 

Please ask your Dr. what living under extreme emotional stress can do to your health over the next 5-6 years?  Please wipe away your assumptions about what is best for the kids and family unit and start from a clean slate and really think about things deeply.  Are you sure that teaching them to be a doormat to a horrible husband is the way they should live their life?  I completely understand sacrificing yourself for your kid's sake.  It's a wonderful intention and you deserve sainthood for it.  But make sure that you don't find out later that you only harmed yourself and your kids might have actually been better off otherwise. 


Please do see the Dr.  Please stop having sex with him.  Please keep coming back here and sharing and asking questions and thinking about these hard situations.  None of us are professionals, but we've been through the war you are fighting and know what it's like.  So we all want to help each other. 

 

Jacqueline, 

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought and consideration into your decisions so far and I think you are doing fantastic given such a difficult situation.  I stand behind you fully (for what little that is worth).   

Please continue to consider all of your options and make sure you give yourself an opportunity to change things if you feel it's necessary.  Learn as much as you can about the laws in your area and make sure you have control and access of necessary finances and protect your kids.  Hopefully you won't need anything and things will go smoothly.  But it seems like it would be smart to know your options and be prepared to take action if necessary. 

I agree with the idea of moving slowly and thinking through everything carefully.  I just don't want to see you put off happiness and risk your health. 

Keep sharing and talking and learning and talking to us here..  We can all learn so much from each other..  We are all stronger together.  

Still Wondering, thanks for giving everyone hope.  I've made myself through a lot of bad dates and questioned my ability to attract good and decent men into my life.