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1 - Jacquelinet2525
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Need to detach. It's been a year
Hello,
Except for a counsellor, I haven't spoken about this to a soul. I will try to keep it brief, but I have a feeling I won't be successful. It's been a year and I decided to stay with my husband for a few reasons some practical and some emotional.
I have been married almost 27 years. Last year on January 1, 2016 I discovered over 4,000 emails between my husband and a woman he met on Ashley Madison. I was blindsided and immediately felt like I went into shock-even though my husband had refused to have sex with me for approximately 3 years. I knew he was watching porn but honestly thought it ended there. He had revealed to me 9 years earlier that he was sexually abused as a child by the older boy across the street when I caught him looking on gay porn sites. He went to counseling for a while until he gradually stopped going. I thought that everything would be ok but the avoidance of sex with me that created problems throughout our marriage continued. He would make fun of me for asking and get mad at me for asking and then use the argument it caused for his reason to avoid sex...an Unbreakable cycle.
He recently told me to "stop acting like a whore-which you aren't- over sex- you act like you need it too much "
After I caught him he begged for another chance and I, of course, gave it to him. A few weeks after finding the emails, he disclosed to me that he had been stopping at an adult bookstore for oral sex on an average of once a month throughout our entire marriage. He became very upset to the point where I comforted him and tried to listen as he told me this. A few weeks after that he admitted that he had been emailing and sexting women since August of 2015. Within a week he admitted that he had another email address and told me the password not realizing I would plug it into craigslist and find all of his posts looking for men and offering to do all kinds of things with them. A few weeks after that he left me a letter letting me know that he also sexted and met up with men for anal sex and oral see-2 men to be exact. A few months later he gave me another letter detailing more sexual encounters with men through Craigslist.
During this time he began to again see the same counselor and I also went ( seperately ) to talk to the same person. I stopped going in August when I went away with our daughters for 10 days and came back to him being extremely angry and hateful and resentful. He chews chewing tobacco and said that he quit and used that as his excuse for again acting like ther angry person her was before January. Between August and the beginning of December we had sex 2 times.
I should also mention that he had difficulty achieving or keeping an erection when having sex with me ever since January 2016 but never before...but then again we hadn't had sex since 2013 and before that we had sex maybe 5 times a year and that is probably being very generous.
The whole year however has been a time of us trying to reconnect and build trust. Recently we spoke of fantasies and while we both found them erotic I found it hard to be ok with the idea of him being ok with another man touching me after 30 years and the idea of my husband joining in being a turn on for him was something that hit me as something shocking in hindsight since he said that the reasons he turned to Ken had been resolved in therapy. We also brought videos in the bedroom and when my husband searched for them he searched "bi-threesomes with a woman " and watching the men interact with each other made him very aroused as he hasn't been with me throughout this past year.
He now says that he wasn't aroused by the men ( the first I think he has seen since I caught him cheating) but more by my arouaal. But I know that to not be true bc when we are just together , "my arouaal" doesn't have the same effect on him.
Additionally after he quit chewing tobacco August he has hidden the fact that he occasionally used it again which alone might not be a big deal but the sneaking and lying are back with that.
He denies that he is bi even tho he admitted to being "open to things because of what happened to him as a child" ( he now denies saying that too) however I have a very hard time believing that knowing what I know. I would appreciate any insight you can give me. Thank you.
- Dee
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Wow, just wow. I'm not sure where to even start. You need to stop having sex with this man ASAP! And get checked for STD's as well. He has been having sex with countless men and women he's met online and in adult bookstores, and you are putting your life at risk. You say you have daughters, what would you say to them if they cane to you with this knowledge about their husband? I doubt it would be to stick it out. He's cheating, lying, and deflecting blame onto you, you are worth SO much more than this, and your daughters deserve a healthy and happy mother. You can't fix him or this, but you CAN save yourself, it's a rough road in the beginning, but each step you take gives you more confidence and power. I'm sure your self- confidence is zero right now, but you can do it. Find your own therapist, and talk to an attorney to find out your rights. Keep posting, we are here for you.
- lily
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
I'd just like to add these additional confessions, he's making you accept stuff you don't want - it is a form of bullying - the more he says and you are still there, the more he will feel entitled.
good luck sweetheart, be kind to yourself at all times. It's okay to feel angry about this.
- Rob
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Jacqueline,
The distrust, as you can see, will eat you up and gnaw at your bones. I would tremble and shake at the disloyalty and lies as ex conducted her affair in the beginning. It's a horrible way to live where the person your supposed to trust and who is supposed to love you absolutely and unconditionally is sneaking around and lying to you. Its not sustainable.
As example, there we were having tea like a happy couple except she is texting her girlfriend at the same time. (you think how messed up is that) but wait.. when you sneak a peek at her phone when she steps away (why do I have to do that ?) you find she was calling you an ahole while you were sipping your tea and she was smiling at you. So sick and warped... Then, as you know and described, if you call them on it they blame you as they are never at fault. But they are... deep in our bones we know and can feel they are morally wrong ...there is no argument they can give that justifies what they are doing..
i.e. "you didn't take out the trash so I'm not going to give you any physical affection...(and I'm going to have gay sex outside the marriage ..I'm morally entitled to that).
Suggestions here would be "run like your hair is on fire" but that is not always practical... I would say stop
going near him and start planning your exit using your present financial situation of staying to help you.
Small steps each day. Find your own therapist, build your support system.
A sincere e-hug (virtual but authentic).
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- phoenix
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Jacqueline,
I'm so sorry you have been treated this way. Your husband is an awful man and you deserve better. It honestly doesn't matter whether the people he's had sex with are male or female because he's violated his marriage vows and he has treated you horribly.
As mentioned above a couple times already, please go to a Dr and get checked for STD's. Stop having sex with him. The risk of getting horrible diseases is not worth it. You owe that to yourself.. to protect yourself. He obviously doesn't care, so you have to.
You said that you have decided to stay with him. Can I ask why? You are welcome to answer, or not.. up to you. My goal is to help you and I will use former experience and what I've learned from so many others on this forum to offer you the best advice for YOU. We all want to help you as much as we can, and sometimes that requires us to be blunt and ask hard questions.
Have you considered talking to an attorney just to learn more? I would hate to see you stay in a horrible relationship because you have incomplete or incorrect knowledge of the divorce process and/or incorrect assumptions about what your situation might be like after divorce. Most attorneys will offer a free or low cost meeting for an hour or so. You can see multiple attorneys for prelim consultations and get different opinions and ask a ton of questions and learn a lot. Doing this doesn't force you to get a divorce or even lead you to do it.. it just gives you more information so that you know you are making the best decision. I highly recommend it. If you think you can't get a divorce because you will be poor.. perhaps you might learn that you are entitled to half of his pension and other income sources and maybe you will learn that you would be ok afterall.
You deserve better and we all want that for you. We are here to help, though we are not professionals, we have gone through what you are going through. So permit us to ask some hard questions, feel free to answer or not depending on what you are comfortable with. We will support your decision and support you as well as we can regardless.
Welcome to the club.. sorry that you are here. Please stick around. Share your feelings and thoughts. It's anonymous so no worries. It's also great therapy just to type and share your feelings and put them out there publicly and get some responses.. Some will be affirmation and support, some will be challenges meant to help point you in the right direction, some will be sharing similar stories to help you see that you are not alone in all of this. All of our responses will be intended to help as much as possible We are here for you.
hugs to you
Last edited by lostdad (January 4, 2017 11:03 am)
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Why are you staying with him? Are you trying to get back what you thought you had before knowing all of this? It's too late for that - that ship has sailed.
You describe unfaithfulness, dishonesty, deceit, and repeated attempts to shock you and disturb you. That's not love, hon. It's some form of abuse that you're repeatedly going back for. He's shown you who he is - believe him. You've seen first-hand that he's more aroused by videos with men in them than he is by you alone. That's.A.PROBLEM. A problem YOU can't fix. Hell, even HE can't fix that one. And the thing he told you where he wasn't aroused by the men so much as by your arousal to them is a freaking LIE. Pure and simple.
Run like your hair is on fire, Jacqueline. Run far and fast. Don't look back, lest you turn into a pillar of salt. STOP accepting the bullshit he's feeding you. It will never sustain you. The fact that you've accepted all of this tells him that he can (and he WILL) keep doing this stuff moving forward - because he's got proof that you'll stay.
You deserve more.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- maresyd
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Jacquelinet2525, you are very welcome and we are all here for support and understanding, it's great to know that you feel some relief "talking" to this wonderful group of loving and amazing people.
There is not a way to respond to each individual post, but if you want, you can private message any of us. I think most of us follow threads we've responded to, so that we are offering support and getting support where we all need it.
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Rob
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Javcqueline,
You can reply to your thread here to keep all your support in one place. You do not have to reply to anything I say if you don't want to.
I will say this.. its takes each of us a different amount of time to gather strength and stop the abuse we are getting.. It is a form of abuse. I spent months, but I don't think a whole year, gathering strength and watching cheat and become meaner to me.
It took me so long my now ex filed the divorce. But I would have filed.. At one point when she came in at 2:30am all dis-shoveled from being with her girlfriend I told her I would not do it anymore. She said she didn't want the marriage anymore either ...and that was it. There was no profound argument...definitely no remorse on her part. I had asked her to stop cheating before and she continued. So that was it.
Take small steps for yourself.. gather strength.. There is no written timeline.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Dee
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Jacqueline,
I'm so glad this has helped you, please keep posting and start talking steps to reclaiming ownership of your life.
- JJ1966
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Re: Need to detach. It's been a year
Jacqueline,
I am so sorry for your pain, we all know it well. The best advice I can give is, be kind to yourself, and know that we are here, do what you have to to take care of yourself. But Jacqueline, don't place yourself in danger....leave if you need to. There are women's shelters in almost every city, they can seem scary and heartbreaking at first, but offer counseling and assistance. private msg me if you like.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.