OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » I found out 3 weeks ago my wife has fallen in love with a woman

LoneWelshman · January 3, 2017 4:29 am

I've been married for 16 years and we have 2 great children. Our marriage has been great except for one elephant in the room - apart from when we first met, and when we were trying to have children, our sex life has been at best sporadic and for long periods of time it has been none existent. I never wanted to be an overly forceful husband or a brute so I never pushed it, and just hoped that with time the problem would resolve itself. On the rare occasions that we discussed it, she told me that she believed she had a very low sex drive, that it was nothing personal, and that she did love me.
When we first met, she had confided that she had always wanted to know what it was like to kiss another woman. Over the years, on about five occasions, she had come home after a night out with friends and admitted to having kissed a different woman after having had a few drinks. We had a good laugh about it, she insisted she wasn't gay, at best she thought she might be bi-curious but didn't want to go any further than kissing. I didn't have a massive problem with it, it's not like she was cheating on me with other men, and I know loads of women who have kissed other women out of experimentation. However about a year ago I did start to wonder why she wasn't intimate with me, but could be so with female friends – this occurred to me after she admitted to having had kissed yet another girl, only on this occasion she said it had been quite passionate, and not just a 10 second smooch.
From June onwards, she started spending an awful lot of time with a female colleague. In fact it was a ridiculous amount of time, and our children commented frequently that they rarely saw their mother these days. I met the lady in question on three occasions and she was very cold towards me, and it was also very obvious that she was extremely jealous of my wife having other female friends. Although this lady is herself married with a child, she does conform to the stereotype of a lesbian - very, sporty, short hair, not especially feminine - I know that sounds cliched but on this occasion it checked out. My wife was also coming home after visiting this lady smelling of her cigarettes - I also found some of the lady's underwear in our bedroom after I came home from a weekend away with work. I was convinced that something was going on but needed hard evidence before confronting my wife.
At the beginning of December, I did something I had never done before – I checked my wife's phone. Sure enough, there were six months' worth of text messages and Facebook messages confirming that not only were they in a sexual relationship, they were very much in love and enjoying an active and healthy, regular sex life.
I challenged my wife that night and incredibly she denied being gay. She told me she was a straight woman who happened to have fallen in love with another woman, and when I suggested that she might be bisexual, she reacted angrily. She also insisted that she loved me, and wanted us to stay together, not just for the children's sake, but also for financial reasons, for stability and security, but also because she said she genuinely enjoys being married to me and living with me. We agreed to put the matter on hold for the duration of Christmas so that we could focus on helping the children enjoy what should always be a wonderful time of year for them.
So on New Year's Day, I insisted on us both sitting down and discussing the whole business. She again insisted that she wanted to stay married to me, in fact she was even talking about where we should go on holiday this year. She said that her girlfriend was keen on leaving her husband and setting up home with her – however, my wife says she does not want to do this, partly out of loyalty to me, partly because she wants to keep our family together and not upset the children; but also because although she enjoys the sex and companionship with this lady, she does not want to live with her or indeed any woman. She also does not want to be "out" although she at least admitted to me during this talk that she now considers herself bisexual but with a sexual preference towards females. Her proposed solution is this – we continue living together as husband-and-wife, but she sees her girlfriend while she has no objection to me finding myself a "friend with benefits". Her feeling is that 95% of our marriage is fine, but the other 5% we can both find elsewhere. She does not know if we will ever have sex together again.
Given our financial situation, where we can just about afford to pay the mortgage between us, for us to split up would be economic suicide. I therefore feel that unless I win the lottery or something, I have little choice but to go along with what feels like, and probably is, a marriage of convenience. The strange thing is I do love her, and I know deep down she does love me. Although sex is something we have done less than once a year for as long as I can remember, we always cuddle up every night without fail and there is genuine affection there. Our relationship is probably more honest now than it has ever been. The question is, is it a model that can work for other? I would be intrigued to hear if anyone has had a similar experience?

Last edited by LoneWelshman (January 3, 2017 4:37 am)

Dee · January 3, 2017 7:21 am

Hi Lone Welshman,
Welcome , glad you found us, but sorry you need to be here.you will find some good advice here, take what works for you and your kids. Much of it may be harsh. Hopefully some of the other men here will chime in at some point, not to sound stereotypical, but there are many similarities with the way this scenario plays out for women vs. men. Regardless, it's a gut punch, and what I learned the hard way was they are light years ahead of you in everything, and I mean everything, and most likely what you know is the tip of the iceberg. And you have a giant say what happens going forward here, is this the kind of marriage you could endure? Cuddling up without sex thinking your wife has a low sex drive is one thing, doing it because she's getting it somewhere else is an entirely different thing. Sounds like she wants all the comforts of a comfortable home and family, with a lover on the side. If she had a male lover on the side, would you be ok with it? Probably not, they mess with our hearts and heads when it's the same sex.. I was married 30+ years when I found out, and I took a major financial hit to get out of a very toxic relationship, but I'm healthy and happy, and am working on myself to keep moving forward. Take care of yourself and your kids, and keep posting.

LoneWelshman · January 3, 2017 7:32 am

Thanks Dee. I suspect if I go with what my wife is proposing, I may only be delaying the inevitable. Once the kids grow up, she may find no reason to stay with me. However if I bail out now, we would both be in serious financial trouble and with small children that cannot be an option. So at the moment it's a case of staying together because we have to, while trying to make it work.
I suspect as well that my wife is not bisexual as she claims but lesbian. If I am correct, once she realises that for herself, that may also spur her to leave.
I have to say that things move very fast, it was only last month I found out she was with this woman, I've told no one around here, and yet I have already had an offer of "friendship with benefits" from an old female friend - I should be delighted with that I suppose but it just all feels like too much too soon for me to take in. I'll probably still go with it though - after years of near celibacy, I'll take anything.
I don't mind harsh comments from people if they've been here before, it's a relief just to talk to someone. I was at a Christmas party a couple of weeks back, surrounded by friends and family, and yet at that precise moment I had never felt more alone.

iamthelorax · January 3, 2017 8:44 am

Hi Lone, I don't know anything of living this proposal of hers but I do see a lot of myself and the mindset I had as I read your post. I see the need to excuse her behavior, look for positives and put up obstacles against ending the marriage, even with things that don't matter in the long run. What I'm seeing here is that she's spent a long time living a lie and now she'd rather manipulate you into living it with her instead of owning up to her actions.

If she's like my ex and other's on this board she still isn't telling you the full truth and she's proving that to you by having to give in to "just being bisexual" after you insist on addressing it. Mine is living with her girlfriend and still claims she doesn't have a same-sex attraction.

This proposal is so self centred it sounds humiliating. She'll allow you to keep living her lie while she has a real relationship with this other woman who will have exclusive sexual access while you help pay the bills. Do you understand what this makes you? It's called a cuckold!!!! And how nice of her to allow you a FWB on the side while you live like this.

I lived this manipulation for a long time, I get what you're going through. Mine moved out and lived with her girlfriend, claiming they're just friends and "splitting bills". She kept telling me everything I needed to hear to sit in the corner and wait for her so I can take care of her schizophrenic son in my home while she played snuggle bunny with her parasitic whore in hers. I spent many nights sleeping in my car while he was in the basement screaming at his voices and ready for murder. All that time she would refuse to let me in to sleep on her couch, instead cry about how this is so hard on her and change the subject. It was years of humiliation until I gave up and when that happened, she made damn sure to come around and ruin things with a girlfriend I started dating.

I went through this all these years because I didn't speak to people who understood. You have an advantage I didn't have so I'm here to assure you of what your life will be like if you continue letting her play you. You'll spend years having a fraction of a relationship you want; the important parts will be forbidden to you. You'll watch her get more and more comfortable in this emotional Hell you're living and she'll push the limits inch by inch until you feel empty, alone, depressed, worthless. One day, she'll decide she "doesn't need what she used to need from you" (actual quote from my ex) and she'll be perfectly willing to break this mortgage and all these economic barriers you're so sure are a big deal to make herself happy.

My advice is to recognize the situation for what it is and let if burn. It's going to happen one way or another. You're in a position where you can break out now, go through the pain now. Become happy again and find a healthy person who wants a real relationship with you. Your alternative is to live in denial and rot inside just to let her break free from you when she decides the time is right for herself.

Apologies if I sound hyperbolic but this is how i see it.

Clif · January 3, 2017 10:55 am

Hi LoneWM.
Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

I was married for 27 years when it all came apart.Although mine told me she was gay and moved out that day. It did come out that she had gotten a girlfriend beforehand. Of course, all of this I learned in hindsight. For many years she harbored this secret to stay on track with her very catholic family. But here is what I learned:
1) She felt this way since she was in high school and hid it.
2) She made me feel that everything was fine with us even though she was struggling internally.
3) As soon as she found a girlfriend that was financially stable and willing to take her in she let me know.
4) At that point she did not give a damn about finances, our mortgage or how I would live (financially or mentally).

She hinted at being bi-sexual a couple times and then later was pretty straight forward about it. Being the stereo-typical male at the time, I thought "Cool. This could be fun." Not so much. "Bi now, gay later" is a term that floats around on here from time to time. Luckily for me our kids were grown and moved out.

I hope you do not fall into the pattern I read on here quite a bit. That being, that as time goes on she will increasingly resent you, through no fault of you own, for representing the one thing that keeps her from the life she really wants.

Be well,
Clif

Abby · January 3, 2017 11:35 am

Like you I lived in a sexless marriage for years and I know how tempting it can be to respond when there's a willing partner. If you have not told anyone about your wife's revelation the risk is that this woman got the news - directly or indirectly - from your wife and if you take her up on her offer that news too may filter back.

Your wife may have said that she is fine with you having a "friend with benefits" but if you decide at some point that
you no longer want to live your life on her terms, such as wanting to live with this friend, you may find that you have
gotten yourself into a mess. I don't know the laws in Wales but I suggest that you consult a solicitor as I think you call them as soon as possible so you know your rights and the risks.

This is my first post on this new board and while we waited several years for financial reasons to divorce where I live any sexual activity on either's part after he moved out and we were separated could not be used in the divorce. There are places however where accepting an open marriage and continuing to cohabit might work against you, particularly if you confirm the openness by your own behavior.

lily · January 3, 2017 12:27 pm

Hi, so sorry you are going through this - I did a long term marriage so i know that feeling alone thing and how much it hurts, please don't try and endure it, it gets worse with time.

also please go to the doctor. STD's are a real problem.

now I am going to say what I think. so far I do not believe there is a single man who has left his lesbian wife. it always ends when the wife says so. so unless you want to buck that trend, relax, you're not going anywhere. not until she says so.

I know this helped me so may I suggest you start looking after your emotional health, not as a husband but just as an individual, make some new friends.

all the best, Lily

Daryl · January 3, 2017 8:02 pm

If you take the gay/bi out of the situation what would you think of this? Change may be difficult but what kind of possible hell might you be about to willingly walk into? What sort of example do you wish to set for your kids in terms of what relationships are about and also about self-worth? No one here can say what is best for you to do but you need to reflect on both the pros and cons of what decisions you make. What you do know is that your spouse was not honest with you until there was no other option and is now trying to renegotiate your marriage contract to allow herself to continue on with her actions. By giving permission you lose the right to ever talk about it again if it bothers you. Remember, you didn't cause this, you didn't make this happen. Sometimes love is knowing when to let go. In any event, make sure you take care of yourself both physically and emotionally and there is nothing wrong with getting legal advice. Even if you do not act on it, you know what your rights are and also what can negatively impact your position. Take Care

maresyd · January 3, 2017 9:17 pm

Hi LoneWelshman, though we didn't have children, I remember the moments after I confronted him, and the days and weeks that followed. He was more affectionate, wanted more sex, and even asked if we could try having kids. We were great friends, and got along very well, great partners. But as I like to say, I was too much woman for him.
In the end, I couldn't live the way he did--hiding, lying, and coming home as if nothing were wrong. But it was. He knew it and I knew it.
It took all the strength I had to leave my home, my security, my life. I had to rebuild (and am still doing so) on my own with a home and car purchase immediately after leaving (he worked for an auto company and we had 2 company cars). I still live in my same home and am finally moving out from the home I feel I ran to, 15 years later. I'm out of debt and living in my own way, on my own terms--honestly and openly.
While I agree it is tough when you feel affection for one another, you have to remember what YOU want, and what is best for your kids as they grow (how old are they?)

As for your friend with benefits, I understand what it's like to not feel desired for a long time, and how attractive it is to jump just to feel what you aren't feeling now. But it won't last, and it could sacrifice custody of your kids, depending on where you live and what your laws are. It's a way for your spouse to say you did what she did.

Alternatively, there are others on these boards and other boards who live contently in mixed orientation marriages. You have to decide if that is something you can do for yourself.

Keep posting and keep leaning on this wonderfully loving group of people who understand in a way many others can't.

Laurence · January 5, 2017 12:18 am

lily wrote:
now I am going to say what I think. so far I do not believe there is a single man who has left his lesbian wife. it always ends when the wife says so. so unless you want to buck that trend, relax, you're not going anywhere. not until she says so.

, Lily

I thought this was an interesting observation - that the men don't leave.

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Re: I found out 3 weeks ago my wife has fallen in love with a woman

lily wrote:

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