Just after Thanksgiving I discovered that my fiance of 3 years has been meeting up with random men behind my back for the last 6 months. I never, for one second, thought he would ever do anything like this. I gave up everything for this man. I was in the Army for 10 years and I was going to go to school to be an officer. We were both going through a divorce and in the Army, until the divorce is finalized, it's adultery. They told me to end the relationship or I would be kicked out. I chose him. I had 2 children with my ex and the Army was our livelihood but I thought as long as we had each other we would get through it. We both got kicked out 2 years ago and since then he hasn't worked. We barely scrap by on what I make. I am killing myself in school so I can graduate early so I can get a good job and this is how he repays me. For the last couple of months I could tell something was wrong. He went from being head over heels for me and wanting sex every night, which was great for me because I have a very high sex drive, to only wanting it every few weeks. Even when we did have sex, he didn't seem like he was really enjoying it. It felt like he was forcing himself. He was constantly mad at me because I would ask him if we could have sex and he would tell me he was just too depressed. Grant it, our life is/was hard, but he wasn't trying to make it better. His idea of looking for a job was applying once a month. I was stressed and we fought a lot but I never stopped loving him. One night he fell asleep on the couch while we were watching a movie so I went through his tablet and found a bunch of porn, some of it was straight but most of it was gay porn. I was angry and confused but I just put the tablet away and went to bed. I heard him get up and after about 10 mins I went to get some water and found him masturbating on the couch. I was so angry but I just walked away. He kept calling after me but I ignored him. Finally he came in the room and I told him that if he'd rather have sex with himself than me than he can just get out of my house. He apologized a million times and told me it was just a stress reliever. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he said, "I would never cheat on you". Something inside of me knew he was lying. A few nights later I went through his emails and found a message from craigslist. It was innocent enough at first. The person, who I thought was a woman, said, "I hope you and your family had a good Thanksgiving", below that was his message that described what he looked like, to included that his dick was uncut and how long it was. I was furious. I went out to the couch where he was watching a movie and told him to pack his shit and get out of my house. He begged me to let him stay. He said it was just a stupid mistake and he never went through with it. Over and over agian he said, "I would never cheat on you". Later that night I took the tablet into the bathroom and while I was checking his emails, an email came through from "Johnathon" saying he wanted to meet up and he was really interested in him and bla bla bla. My heart felt like it was ripped in two. I went back to the room and threw his tablet at him and said, "You got a message from Johnathon!". He cried and said he was sorry and he didn't know what was wrong with him, but insisted that he had never gone through with it, and like an idiot I believed him. The next morning I found his tablet that he was hiding and went through the deleted messages. He had met up with someone just a few days prior. I started packing his stuff and he walked into the room and started freaking out asking what happened. I told him I knew about his hookup and I needed him out. I didn't know the details of what happened but I pretended I did and just started saying, "You sucked some guys dick", and he didn't deny it, and then I said, "and then you let him fuck you", and he didn't deny it. He then admitted to what had done and how many times, all the while continuing to tell me he only wants to be with me. What the hell does that even mean at this point?!! We have a 1 1/2 year old little boy together. I feel so beyond betrayed. I am sick to my stomach and I can't stop seeing the images in my head. After he admitted to everything, I went on craigslist and changed his password...... I wish I could unseen what I saw.... It hurt so much but I didn't stop. I downloaded grinder on my phone and tried logging in under his email and it told me I had the wrong password so I changed that one too.... He was so desperate in his messages, "I need anyone, any age, any race, well hung, today at 1:30"... 1:30 is our son's nap time. I looked at my text messages from that day and he had gone to get a haircut and he told me the shop was really full so he was waiting. I was at home working on one of my papers. I can't stop thinking about it. He has been trying to convince me that it will never happen again and that he loves me and wants to be with me but I don't believe him. How can I? I feel like I am just waiting for the next time. It took him 2 1/2 years to start doing this and he expects me to believe he will go the rest of our lives, never doing it again. What am I supposed to do? How do I stop thinking about it? Is it even possible for him to give up that part of himself? I am sick to my stomach. I love him so much and the thought of not being with him is excruciating but I feel like all I am doing is postponing the pain.