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December 14, 2016 4:09 pm  #1

30 years

I've been married to the same man for 30 years. He has had sexual issues as long as I have known him - always coming up with plausible excuses - why he can't get aroused by me-(when I initiate). I believed him for a long time but started questioning him about 10 years into the marraige - - why we weren't having much sex - as usual when I would bring it up - his response would be -" stop pressuring me, how can I want to have sex with you when all you do is badger me" -
You get the picture!!
Now he has a " best friend " we will call S- S comes before everything and everyone- including me our children - everything!!! I've never been happy about this friendship but as usual - I acquiesced and no matter where we are are who we're with - if S calls my hubby is right there for him.
Fast forward - we' re married 15 years now and we're fighting a lot so needless to say - no sex at all!!!! Hubby talking to S everyday and night - we live in different states.
S encourages my hubby to " go out and explore" - and forget about me - S claims to be Mr Sexual with woman - hubby once told me while we were dating -" he wished he was more like S."
Anyway - I left my hubby because of 1. S always came first - 2. No sexual relations in 10 years - 3. He always pointed the finger at me....
I moved out of state and was working , moved closer to my kids and was fine - Hubby kept trying to convince me everything would change and he would go for therapy and he would put S in the background and I would always come first- He wants me back-
Stupid me - wanted not to throw away a 22 year marriage and knew the kids would be happier if we got back together - and I was convincing myself at least he's not cheating on me!!!
Fast forward to now -  back together 9 years - still NO sexual relations - S is number 1 -and hubby lying to me about him -they talk everyday sometimes more than once a day - hubby fights me about him and told me he'll never give him up!! Hubby in the last 10 years made two new best friends - both single men - one he goes to dinner with on my nights not home and one he plays tennis with - 2-3 times a week.

Yesterday- I said I'm done!!

  I'm 62 and haven't had a romantic encounter since I was in my late 40's- he never looks at me or touches me or treats me like a woman - I'm just his roommate -

Am I wrong by thinking he's gay?


December 14, 2016 6:23 pm  #2

Re: 30 years

  I read your story and kept thinking of the wife of the gay man in "Brokeback Mountain," the man who was determined not to give rein to his love for the man he really loved.  
  I think you're right; he's gay.  But at the most basic level it doesn't matter if he's gay or not: as you say, "I'm 62 and haven't had a romantic encounter since I was in my later 40s--he never looks at me or touches me or treats me like a woman--I'm just his roommate."   Any woman in any relationship in which her partner treats her this way has no reason in the world to keep setting herself up for more of the same.


December 14, 2016 6:36 pm  #3

Re: 30 years

Interesting comparison - but TRUE!!!!

I have always said to him - you are more intimate with S  then you are with me- you are more in love with him then anyone on this planet!!!

Thank you for your support!

     Thread Starter

December 14, 2016 10:54 pm  #4

Re: 30 years

Yeah, I have always thought of my  husband, whose relationship with his sister is what I think of as unnaturally close, that he should have married her, not me.  Then when he came out as transgendered, I thought: Wow;  he doesn't want to marry her; he wants to BE her. 


December 15, 2016 3:20 am  #5

Re: 30 years


You are correct. I would say he's Gay. Again, mine did the the same damn thing with a man he met who actually told me he and my husband exchanged 30 emails a day! They have been in love for 16 years. They couldn't get enough of each other.

Don't settle for roommate status. I finally stopped and it's glorious. Screw these awful Gay men who make us gather actual evidence instead of getting up the courage to be honest. Why shit all over a straight wife?


December 15, 2016 3:28 am  #6

Re: 30 years


I hope to never see mine again even though we share a business together. I agree that all of us know what they are and don't even need them to say it. It's just so obvious. I don't know how they all do this. I couldn't do it. It lacks any decency. This has just as much to do with a lack of integrity and character as anything else. Being Gay is secondary.

After 9 mos since mine left, some real clarity has surfaced and I'm really disgusted and angry. I have realized one important thing though. I am not wasting any more time on him or this anger. I am 66 and don't want to waste anymore time on him. I want to be happy and feel I have escaped a real horror. Lucky? Yes.

Last edited by Judy (December 15, 2016 3:30 am)


December 15, 2016 3:47 am  #7

Re: 30 years

One last really big revelation I have had in the last 9 months. I can see mine put an enormous amount of effort into tormenting me out of the marriage. He wanted me to make the decision to pull the plug on the 46 year marriage and kept turning up the fire so that I would and he could finally be with his Gay love and do whatever the hell he wanted in life. That way he wouldn't have any responsibility because it would be my decision.

He couldn't bring himself to tell me he didn't want the marriage, instead he cheated with multiple partners and made sure I knew he had a prepaid cell I didn't know about previously. He took 125k of my money and simply pissed it all away and choked me on the bed. He called me names and when I asked him anything he said FOCK YOU with alarming intensity. My day to day life was scary. It was with a man full of secrets and an epic amount of seething anger. I wondered if he would shoot me - at one point he shot the dresser- or even poison me. I broke both my leg and ankle and had major surgery and he left me me uncared for and I got a staph infection in my surgical wounds and almost died. During that time period he tormented me and I had either food or meds but never both. I was bed ridden and at his mercy. On one occasion he told me I was his only problem in life and he wished I would go have sex with some other man. There was no sleeping around him and he'd get up at 3 a.m. to have privacy on the Internet to chat with his male love. He wanted me to pull the plug and I finally did. If your gut tells you your spouse or partner is Gay, they probably are. The signs were all there for me but I just couldn't believe it. I should have done something about this long before I did. I have noticed I believe and trust nobody but I am working on becoming nice again. I am a huge work in progress. I need to dump all this anger and move on ahead for my own good. I'm realizing there is simply no place for it in my new life and it's ugly and drags me backward. I wish you all so many good things this holiday season! Merry Christmas!

Last edited by Judy (December 15, 2016 4:04 am)


December 15, 2016 7:53 am  #8

Re: 30 years

 I am so sorry for all you went through and the hurt of it all, but I am so glad you are out of it now, and living a sane life of your own and on your terms.  And I agree, every moment we spend thinking about them is another moment stolen from us.  Why give it to them?  We can channel the anger into making the best life possible for ourselves--"the best revenge"!
   I am so struck by your revelation that your husband was pushing you to pull the plug. This is exactly what's been going on in my marriage, except in mine both of us were doing that--we'd each reached a point where we wanted out, but neither of us would make the call. I even said this to him, although I also, probably out of that desire not to be the one at fault for ending the marriage, said that maybe there was a reason neither of us could pull the plug: there must be something there. So we stayed together, even after his cross-dressing and "trans reveal."  But nothing that needed to change before the reveal has changed, and the reveal made everything worse.  However, it has also made me realize that I was staying because I felt it was my responsibility to make the marriage work.  Now I know it will never work, because we simply have irreconcilable differences in our sexualities.  I have not yet told my husband I plan to end the marriage, but I think he has started the old game of acting badly enough that I will call it quits.  Thing is, he both wants the marriage (but not me) and doesn't want it, because he is so conflicted about himself.  He wants to be free to give rein to his crossdressing, but he is afraid to do so.  So he blames and resents me for "repressing him" (as he sees it), but he also doesn't want to lose what he has (all the work I do to keep the household running).  Thing is, I'm getting way less from the marriage than he is, and I know that if I were to stay the next twenty years would see me getting less and less.  I can't see spending the rest of my life in this situation.
  Judy, you give me hope and a vision of a brighter future for myself.


December 15, 2016 2:02 pm  #9

Re: 30 years

My hubby is begging me to stay -   He says he'll try harder at everything - he  says he is sexually insecure and the reason he NEVER initiates sex is because he's afraid of failure -
He says S is just a long time friend of 40 years and someone he can trust -he has no romantic interest in him and is actually "weirded out by gays" - his actual words this morning!!
I am so lonely for a man - I told him that - he said he will try and be more affectionate-

I'm not even sure I want him anymore ( sexually) - it is so humiliating to have to have these arguments to be wanted!!!
I wish I knew what to do!!  If only he would leave it would be so much easier!!!

     Thread Starter

December 15, 2016 2:10 pm  #10

Re: 30 years

I actually looked on line at one of the dating web sites and wished I could meet someone -I have never strayed and I wouldn't -  but it would be so nice to feel desired by a man -
I have wasted many years with my hubby-- I know that in my heart - he has given me a good life - I have never wanted for anything EXCEPT what really matters ( to me) INTIMACY!!!

     Thread Starter

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