If we forget about the TG and ignore everything in your post but "I found an email on a site.." 

That was it for me...there I was snooping looking for bad stuff and I thought to myself  why do I have to do this? Is my best friend and wife supposed to sneak around and lie.. and I have to keep snooping.

Ask him to stop what he is doing..that he is hurting you.  If your met with anger that says it all.  (And if he were to stop could you trust him.. lack of trust really kills a marriage
.it eats at you).

So so sorry.   I don't think we are supposed to be doormats and our spouses can do whatever they want..

lynncat19 wrote:

I do hate the person I have had to become just to keep up with the lies.
It is just so very painful.  Loving someone but being forced to leave them  But I cannot live like this.

Thanks for the advice Kel and Rob.

Lynncat,
So so sorry..  I know the feeling..I loved my ex so much.  .I would shake uncontrollably as my then wife went out with her girlfriend ..usually until 2:30am....she knew that I  knew she was cheating and didn't care.   I told her to stop once on her way out and she would not..she lied to my face and made her choice then and there.
With myself physically shaking from the blatant betrayal  and discard  my body was telling me what my heart wouldn't; that I was not supposed to live like that ..even if I wanted to my body would make me physically ill..
Great spouses we have... not only do they hurt us but they keep hurting us .

lynncat, 
   My husband is also a crossdresser and claims to be "transgender."  He revealed this to me in March of 2015.  Here's are some conclusions I've come to after seeing and hearing what I've observed since then.
1) It's not JUST clothing.  If if were just clothing, just comfort, just fun, it wouldn't mean so much to him.  For years I wore a man's t shirt, one given me by my husband, to bed, because the cut was comfortable.  But when I wore it, I wasn't at all times excitedly aware I was wearing a MAN'S t-shirt or thinking wearing one made me more masculine or more like a man, and feeling sexually titillated by this knowledge.  That, is, however, what our husbands are feeling.  So no, it's not JUST clothing. 
2) This compulsion is addictive, and like all addictions, it requires bigger and stronger doses to satisfy the compulsion.  This is why he went from wearing panties to decking himself out in the whole kit.
3) Their illness (and it's autogynephilia, the love of himself as a woman) comes with several features that make it very difficult to reason with them.   One, it pushes them to need validation from others, which is what he's looking for by going out to see if he can get men to respond to him.  You're obviously not feeding his compulsion in the way he'd like you to, by participating.  Another feature of the illness that makes reasoning with them difficult is that the illness pushes them to believe that the "woman" they are creating is real, that they really CAN be women/female, and it's that need to be a "real" woman that pushes them to go beyond crossdressing and take hormones and SRS--to feminize and alter the physical body, which then serves as "proof" to them they're real women. 
4) The nature of their illness, that they are in love with the idea of themselves as women, means that their sexuality is trained on themselves, their attention is trained on themselves, and to the degree they can love an outside object--me and you--we are never going to be the primary object of their affection.  They are inward looking, self absorbed, self involved.  
   I am fairly new to this forum (September) but there are other women on here who have husbands with the same compulsion, and all our stories tell the same story about the progress of the addiction/compulsion and the difficulty of reasoning with their husbands/partners.  Also during that time I have seen references to Kel's famous saying "run as if your hair is on fire," but I have never before actually seen her write it in response to someone's story.  And she has to you.  
  

Lynncat,

I'm so sorry you're here, looking for answers. Your head must be spinning and I totally get how grief stricken you feel, loving your husband but knowing you have to walk away. I have been with my husband going on 25 years this Christmas. We are separated now for 2 months (?) it's all a blur. Actually, my whole marriage feels like a blur. He is a big, strong, dude's dude manly man who told me he was a crossdresser the weekend we met. Like your husband, over the years each time he upped his CD/TG game & I asked "Is THIS all it is? Are you SURE it will max out here?" I got the answer, "I love you, I love our life, I'm not gay, I'd NEVER want to do this full time or take hormones, switch teams"

So I stuck it out until the next level presented itself (or I unearthed more crazy shit from snooping)& then the conversation would start all over again. I'm now watching a lifetime of hurt, deceit & lies get bundled up & thrown to the curb, leaving me gutted while he is scheduling surgeries, probably taking HRTs already, and he is in fact gay. The whole damn thing was a lie because he wasn't the brave bigballz dude everyone thought he was, he was a lieingcheetingcoward dressed in my stolen lingerie & some very expensive prosthetics. The man i thought I married, never was. In fact I now realize his MALE MODE was the sham costume he paraded around.

Everyone above is right. It doesn't get better, it gets worse (for the spouse). It is an addiction & they keep getting into it deeper to attain that same initial high & eroticism they felt when they first started sneeking around with some undergarments on. They become even more delusional & selfish. You will be bankrupt financially & emotionally if you stay.

If he's dialed into tranny/gay porn, let alone made plans to meet up with someone face to face for whatever sexual arrangment, he is gay. he may not be ready to admit it to himself, or commit to that lifestyle choice, but he IS gay. Straight men don't seek that alternative out. They deny who they REALLY are because they don't want to lose that nice comfy gig they have going, married to us. Like you said, we are "Empathetic" to their "needs & desires", they can keep pushing the envelope & become more stealth, plus they don't have to give up all the perks Kel mentioned. When I really think about what my husband valued in me the most I am fuming mad!! He didn't respect me other than maid/cook/childbearer/therapist/business partner or he would have been honest with me & never married me or at the least, ducked out any one of the thousand times we had the CDTG conversation over the years. they are the most selfish bunch you will ever have the misfortune of being associated with.

Get yourself a therapist or a really gentle friend/sister who will hear you out & offer an ear & endless glass of wine. Someone who is great at simply listening to you. Do NOT isolate yourself or keep his secret. It will destroy your spirit & confidence. I only finally told someone last summer after 24 years of keeping it from the whole world and believe me, it has taken a toll that is proving to be irreversible. 

You deserve a partner who is honest, respectful & free of any gay-in-denial hangups. You're a straight woman I assume & a gay trans husband for a life partner is slow suicide to a straight woman. You don't have to hate him, you just need to look out for yourself & any children you may have. You deserve authentic love as much as anyone and a future that is shining bright with love peace & light..

look thru some threads on here & you'll find all kinds of support & ammunition to help give you strength & hope

Blessings & Hugs to you & keep chatting,
Sham