well, I've been saying it the way I see it with you, no soft soaping so I will continue.  To me that sounds like she has second thoughts about her girlfriend.  or her girlfriend has second thoughts about her.

it is highly unlikely you will separate while she wants to remain together.  And she will want to remain with you until she falls in love with another woman.

But you will not get your emotional needs met.  

Love bombing is like eating a McDonalds - it tastes good, it fills you up but it doesn't nourish you.  and anyway, accept the McDonalds and it won't be long before you're back on grits.

Make her approach you.  Don't be so easy to mollify.  She has to prove herself to you but instead you are talking about how to help her find 'outlets'.  That sounds like you are talking about how to be a good husband to a lesbian wife and who is talking about how to be a good wife to a straight husband.  You need to fight for yourself, LM.  

Ultimately, this is not about her, this is not about your marriage, it's not about the house.  It's not even about the children.  it's about you with you.  Always was always will be.  

wishing you all the best, you will be good whatever happens, take is easy look after yourself, you matter.

Last edited by lily (December 18, 2016 12:25 pm)

Am I the only one that would never even consider throwing away my entire adult sex life to stay with a lying Gay husband? I just can't understand that level of self destructive thinking. That's some serious low self esteem. You don't deserve to experience intimacy anymore? Humans are sexual beings. It's instinctive. What do they do with those feelings? Not worthy of love and expression there of. Wow.  I've discussed this with my therapist and in a group and people react in horror-the same I feel. If you think you married someone who matches your sexual orientation and expect to enjoy being close to that person of the opposite sex, why would you give that all up because of the painful revelation they don't want you to have sex or be intimate with and they've lied and cheated on you? I believe those who think that can work aren't living in reality and the effort is very short lived. And then there is THIS-we've all been lied to and cheated on. Why would anyone stay with someone like that?  Trust is gone and you can't have a marriage without it. Delusional. If there is one thing I crave it is truth and reality. No more smoke and mirrors and lies. According to my therapist she said it never works no matter how the straight spouse tries to make it work. It's only delaying the outcome and spinning in circles.

Last edited by Judy (December 18, 2016 5:26 pm)

Judy wrote:

Am I the only one that would never even consider throwing away my entire adult sex life to stay with a lying Gay husband? I just can't understand that level of self destructive thinking. That's some serious low self esteem. You don't deserve to experience intimacy anymore? Humans are sexual beings. It's instinctive. What do they do with those feelings? Not worthy of love and expression there of. Wow.  I've discussed this with my therapist and in a group and people react in horror-the same I feel. If you think you married someone who matches your sexual orientation and expect to enjoy being close to that person of the opposite sex, why would you give that all up because of the painful revelation they don't want you to have sex or be intimate with and they've lied and cheated on you? I believe those who think that can work aren't living in reality and the effort is very short lived. And then there is THIS-we've all been lied to and cheated on. Why would anyone stay with someone like that?  Trust is gone and you can't have a marriage without it. Delusional. If there is one thing I crave it is truth and reality. No more smoke and mirrors and lies. According to my therapist she said it never works no matter how the straight spouse tries to make it work. It's only delaying the outcome and spinning in circles.

I am not sure if you are talking directly to me or someone else. Pardon me. If you are talking about me I just wanted to say that I am not at all talking about giving up sex and intimacy.  Not at all. I am talking about focusing on exactly that.  Last night we talked and had a great discussion. I will spare the details but it was productive.  We talked about healing, and priorities and trying to find the steps to make our marriage work.  We kissed and made out very passionately on the floor next the Christmas tree before we slipped off to bed to have very real, sensual and great sex.  it was not an act.  It certainly was not void of intimacy. 
I am not going to assume that everything is going to be cherry blossoms and roses for the rest of our lives.  In fact tonight is not such a great night.  But that comes with the territory when you agree to try and make your marriage work after an affair. Good days and bad days. Good weeks and bad weeks.  Do not assume I have a low self esteem just because I am doing what I think is in the best interest of my family and myself. I do believe that there is such a thing as bi-sexuality and I am not under the belief that my wife wants to be with a woman for the rest of her life. In fact she has stated very plainly that she couldn't live without me for the rest of her life, and that she went 43 years without being with a woman and could easily go 43 more without it as well.
My plan is to start with a clean slate and promote total open honesty.  If she needs to be with a woman to be happy or needs to see her girlfriend to be happy than I encourage her to let me know and be honest.  I cannot stay in that kind of marriage, I don't think it would be healthy.  If she needed that I would agree to split out marriage amicably and wish her the best. But she doesn't want that.
I make this analogy.  I like woman too.  I love beautiful woman and am turned on as hell when I see them.  But I live my life without kissing them, or touching them, or advancing on them. I am married. I will refrain from my urges. If my wife finds woman attractive that is not ideal but it can be okay with me, as long as she doesn't act on it.  As long as she finds me attractive and we have a healthy sex life, and we accept each other and we forgive each others mistakes... so long as the person who made the mistakes is willing to own the mistake and is willing to stop making the same mistake. 
I am willing to try in my marriage because I think it is worth it.  I think we have 3 young children that would benefit from parents who tried their asses off to make the marriage work. We have similar friends that we don't want to lose. We enjoy each others families.
However, if I get lied to again, or if she cheats again, or if I am not getting the kind of love that a husband needs in a marriage, then I will move on.  I will end this and I will not hesitate. Right now, 3 weeks into this, I owe it to more than just myself to keep on trying.  If the time comes to throw in the towel, I will do what I need to do.
Again, I appreciate everyone's open and honest opinion. I know I am fighting a long shot battle here.
 

Nobody Gay is going to want to fall back into being stuck in a marriage with a straight spouse. They can proclaim whatever they want when faced off with the straight spouse in a conversation but being Gay and having an affair with another Gay person isn't a slip up or temporary. That is who they are attracted to and who satisfies them sexually. That drive is a human characteristic and undeniable. For clarity, this isn't about who she loves. It's about who she wants to satisfy her sexually. Two different things.

The mistake is the marriages we all had with them because we didn't know they were Gay. It's not their sexual orientation, it's the fact they duped us into thinking there was a chance with us. They cheated all of us out of a life we wanted with them.

I had almost 50 years with my Gay husband having these ridiculous conversations that we'd try and save it because we loved each other. I've discussed this many times with multiple therapists. Not. Going. To. Work. Ever.

Sorry for inserting reality in such a blatant way. Being hurt once like this is devastating and to think anyone could go in for another round is just unthinkable. I have developed a very low tolerance for sugar coating reality and lying. It's the lying that has hurt all of us so badly. It's become intolerable to me.

No more.

Last edited by Judy (December 19, 2016 4:07 am)

Judy - thank you for your posts.  It is so good to read them, so clear - yes it is the lies that hurt.  the sugar coating of reality is foul tasting, eventually we lose tolerance for it.

oh those ridiculous conversations!  I had them too.  looking back it was a form of psychological torture.  when I left I absolutely Promised myself just promised and promised myself I would never form any sort of relationship with someone where I couldn't get a straight conversation.  oh!  I can still feel it, how it made me feel, iced in frustration.  It's so underhanded.

LM - you have our support.  I wish I could be more easy going about it but my gut is saying the same as Judy's.  Your wife is not being honest with you.  She can't be, that's not who she is.  

You cannot equate your monogamous feelings with what is happening to your wife.  Staying away from beautiful women because you're married to a man makes a better equation to what it's like for her.

Bisexual is what my husband identified as.  It's not straight, it involves being gay.  My husband enjoys being duplicitous, he manipulated me for as long as he could.  He continues to be the same as ever.  It's who he is and there are lots of people like him.