loyal Man wrote:

Thank you lily.  I will admit that I do feel that I am doing most of the work right now.  I guess if it were me caught having an affair and I was lucky enough to be given a second chance. I would be bending over backwards to prove me love and dedication again. It frustrates me that so far I have only been given words.  She says that this is what she wants. Given the careless way she broke our wedding vows, I am not sure if words alone will do it for me.  I need to start seeing some real action. I can tell real love when I see it in a woman's eyes.  I can look deep into those eyes and feel the connection. Right now there is only a spark between us. And I need that spark to become a flame again.  I need her to move past the woman she was having an affair with and turn that love back into our marriage. I know that it may be a long shot. I am going to take it though.  I will keep you updated.

I admire you for your conviction to stand by your wedding vows and do everything you can to preserve your marriage.  Keep trying until you cannot. 

I tried the same.  I grasped for every straw i could find to try to hold on to my marriage despite her cheating on me and lying to me daily about it.  In the end it was her decision to walk away from me.  I guess in a way I'm fortunate for that happening.  I would have continued to try to save my marriage and she would have continued to cheat on me.  It would have only prolonged my misery.  

My advice for you is this:  Try to save your marriage, but set some very clear boundaries.  If she wants to remain married she must break off all contact with her partner(s).  She must be 100% transparent in her coming and going, her communications with others, etc..   No passwords on computers, cell phones, etc..  She has broken your trust and no longer has a right to privacy in your marriage.  If she wants to save your marriage and remain with you she will agree to this things.  If she only wants the convenience of being married to you but her heart is still for another person, then she will not agree and you will know what your future holds. 

I wish you the best..  fight the good fight.   But don't let it kill you.  At some point, as JJ said above, you have to protect yourself. 

I am only two weeks in.  I can hear the knowledge in what you all say.  I can see that you already know my outcome and are waiting for me to figure it all out...like you all did. perhaps you are right. I think maybe you are.  I see patterns of behavior that tell me  I am wrong.  I will try.  I owe that to myself and my children.  But I am not a fool. And I do have limits. I am 43 years old and have a lot to offer.  I am not a deadbeat husband.  I do not need a woman to take care of me.  I am a great dad and I can take care of my kids.  If this doesn't work out.  I will find a deserving beautiful woman with her own story to tell and I will sweep her off her feet and call her the love of my life.  I know I have that in me. It's funny how much like death this situation is.  The first step is grief and mourning. I contemplated what suicide would be like.  how easy it would be.  But I promise you that I am no quitter and that will not be my end. Never. I will come away from this with my dignity and my character in tact. I will have said that I gave it my 100% effort.  I honored my wedding vows not just as words but as a conviction in my beliefs and personality. This marriage didn't end because I didn't do all that I could humanly do to make it work.  If it fails it is because it was never meant to be.  It was hard to write that last line. 14 years will feel like a waste of time. Thank you all.

There's nothing wrong with taking one last shot at this if it clears your mind that you gave it your all. I concur with lostdad - she needs to be all-in as well. It cannot work if only one person tries. You don't want to become a door mat. Good luck!

What lily said, play "hard to get", not impossible, just hard. She has to be the one to understand what she is going to lose by her behavior. I don't mean punish her, I mean let her make the effort to fix things.

Joanne

We had a very long a productive conversation the other night.  We were both open and honest about what we wanted. Her love for me is stronger than her love for her girlfriend and she stated that she could not live without me for the rest of her life but that she could (and would) live without the love of a woman. 
I am being very empathetic to her new feelings and allowing her to be honest with me about her desires. We are in the process of healing and trying to make it work. I want to find some healthy outlets for her without sharing her. I just think suppression of real urges would only last so long and would not lead to real happiness. I want for us to be so close that we can be honest about what each other is feeling.
That being said the last two days have been good.  There are signs of healing. I am going to keep trying and will be cautious and observant.  Actions are what matter to me, not words.  I will continue to watch for the right actions.