Loyal,

Listen to the words of Laurence and others here.

I spent two years,most of this year, in hell..divorcing her.  Most of it was her learning how a divorce works.

You and she have to face the reality of what she did. ..that house your building...it matters little..she may have ruined it...dont dare for a millisecond think you did.. These spouses know the rules of marriage..
Rule 1...dont hurt the kids.
Rule 2...dont cheat. .

But.. rule 2 implies rule1.  We/they can try to minimize hurt to the kids but they ultimately did it by breaking rule 1.

But I said may.  You may be able to still build the house..you can put anything you want in the divorce settlement.   These gay in love spouses are the worst though..they pick the worst possible time to have their affairs..they are not thinking of the kids or reality.
Please get attorney for yourself..
What many of these cheating spouses don't realize as they divorce us is they want half/all of the assets. .but they also get half the debt.

Your now loyal to those kids...they need someone who is putting them first. ..your wife by carrying on an affair is not it...she may say she is and act it.  But you can look at the house dilemma and see she did not put them first.

Don't shoulder the entire burden of the affair.  I'll close with this..when my divorce was finalized my now ex got angry as usual when I told her no..I would no longer pay her bills. She still thought they were my problem to solve.

oh boy what a wrinkle the crowdfunded house is.  

I just want to say don't feel socially obliged to play happy families because of it.  Life is messy, it's the same for all of us.  You are not at fault.

good luck and watch out for lesbian counsellors.  all the best.

lily wrote:

oh boy what a wrinkle the crowdfunded house is.  

I just want to say don't feel socially obliged to play happy families because of it.  Life is messy, it's the same for all of us.  You are not at fault.

good luck and watch out for lesbian counsellors.  all the best.

What do you mean "watch our for lesbian counselors"? do you mean counselors that are lesbian or ones that say they specialize in this area?

Thanks Lily.
Thanks for the honesty.  I appreciate it.
I actually found the therapist for her and sent her the suggestion.  She made an appointment for next week.  She went one time with my therapist and they didn't really connect.  I know she researched a lot of people and decided on the one I suggested. She will be going alone.  I asked her to be very upfront and tell the therapist what our goals are... To remain married and put 100% effort into rebuilding our marriage. So that she could help us work toward those goals. The last thing I want is for this therapist who doesn't know us to say something to the effect of "just do what makes you happy...explore these feelings...you can not make your marriage work...etc.  I want her to help us not sabotage us.
 I am trying to prepare myself for the best case scenario and the worst case one. I am talking to a lawyer just to be prepared if things go south. I really believe that we can get through this.  I am the kind of person who is very committed to making this work.  I still love her.  She has made it very clear that she still loves me as much today as she did the day we were married.  I believe her.  I know that a lot of people on here have been really screwed over by their spouses.  I want you all to know that my goal is to be the story of success.  I want to be the person that others will look to for an example of how a couple remained in love and worked it out.  That is my goal.  I am not trying to sound naïve and I understand that it appears that way.  I appreciate the advice that I am getting from all of you.  You are the ones who keep me in check and remind me how to "look after myself".  I take your advice very seriously. One day a husband will join this group and have hopes of saving his marriage and look for an example in which a couple did that.  My story will be that example.  Please pray for me and continue to give me your honest and open opinions and feedback.  you are helping me stay sharp and prepared for the worst case scenario.  I don't know what my odds are, but I am going to save my marriage. I believe that to be true.

Thank you lily.  I will admit that I do feel that I am doing most of the work right now.  I guess if it were me caught having an affair and I was lucky enough to be given a second chance. I would be bending over backwards to prove me love and dedication again. It frustrates me that so far I have only been given words.  She says that this is what she wants. Given the careless way she broke our wedding vows, I am not sure if words alone will do it for me.  I need to start seeing some real action. I can tell real love when I see it in a woman's eyes.  I can look deep into those eyes and feel the connection. Right now there is only a spark between us. And I need that spark to become a flame again.  I need her to move past the woman she was having an affair with and turn that love back into our marriage. I know that it may be a long shot. I am going to take it though.  I will keep you updated.