Hi Loyal Man -

I'm sorry that you find the need to be here, but glad you've found us.  You're definitely in the right place.

My thoughts - after reading your story above - are that a spouse married to and committed to you shouldn't be visiting temptations and affairs outside of the marriage - especially when, as you feel, she's so into sex with a male.  What difference does it make if she also likes women if she's in a committed relationship with you?  There seems to be this notion out there that if you like some sort of sexual experience that's not being provided within your marriage, that you have the right to go outside the marriage to find fulfillment for it.  This seems to never be more true than when it comes to alternate sexualities.  How is that different from a man who just can't get oral or anal from his spouse deciding that he has the right to cheat just to get it?  We'd all think that guy was an asshole.  But if the spouse wants sex with a member of the same sex it's allowed?  Is there some rule that I don't know about that says that unless you are being allowed full access to all your sexual fantasies, you're being stifled and slowing dying inside?  What if I loved sex with someone in full clown regalia, but my husband refused to put on the red nose and oversized shoes?  Would I have the right to go visit the circus to find my clown because I'm being denied my full sexual fulfillment at home?  NO.

Now, if you are in a marriage where you got the bait and switch, and the things your spouse committed to or practiced in the beginning are now being withheld from you, then you have every right to confront your partner on those things and come to some understanding and compromise.  You should tell them that you're not happy and that you want more of what you were led to believe you would be getting, and explain how serious this issue is (or is not) to you.  If you do that and nothing changes and you decide that you can't go on this way, then move on appropriately - get a divorce and start over.  You don't get to just do whatever you want and have your spouse "deal with it".

It might just be that your wife cannot live without experiencing lesbianism.  If you were to ask (and she were to honestly answer) about where on the scale you fit vs. this other woman (or any woman), you might find that although she likes both men and women (making her bi), it could be that she desires men at a 10 out of 100 and women at a 90 out of 100.  We often think that bi means 50/50, but it just means that both are on the spectrum of what's exciting.  That doesn't give them the same weight.  Unless you ask, you'll always think that you hold the same weight as women (or this other woman).  But you'll never know if you can't ask about that elephant in the room.  You have every right - and every reason - to discuss the elephant in the room.

If you cannot discuss the elephant in the room, you really can't get down to the bottom of the main issue.  You think the main issue is your marriage - and working on it to create more trust, fun and commitment.  But if she's never going to be completely fulfilled by a man, all of that will just give you false hope, and waste your time.  It's like trying to fill a glass with water when there's a crack in the glass.  No matter how often you fill the glass and how hard you vigilantly work, the glass will eventually be empty.  The main issue is the crack - not the lack of filling it with water, or dedication to doing so.  It's just futile in the end, and without solving the main issue (or admitting there's no solving it with this glass), the situation will wind up the same repeatedly.

She may not have all the answers at this point since she's still figuring things out.  Or, she may have answers but be unwilling to share them with you because she doesn't want to hurt you.  She can love both of you at the same time.  Can she be "in love" with both of you at the same time?  I dunno - I highly doubt it.  Being in love is kind of an all-encompassing thing.  It's your mind wandering to that person all the time, wanting to be with them, longing for them.  Is it possible to do that with two people at once?  I'd propose no.  She CAN be in love with the other woman and love you enough to not want to hurt you.  Or love certain things about you - love how protected you make her feel, or love how you provide for her or how you parent the kids.  But that's not being "in love" with you.  And I'm pretty sure that's what you want.  Not just love for you as a person, as a friend, or as the father of her children.

It's also entirely possible to enjoy sex with both sexes, but have one be great and the other be mind-blowing.  They don't hit your meter in the same way at all, even if you're excited to differing degrees about both kinds of sex.  If given the choice, which sex would she choose if both of you were standing there, unhurt by her choice?  Which person does she want to spend her time with in that same circumstance?  For her to do what she's already done, I'd wager that it's the other woman.

I'm sorry you're going through this -

Kel

I do understand that not every moment of your marriage can be spent on dwelling on the affair.  However..... it should get a lot of concentrated attention.  It's the very crux of a marriage - forsaking all others.  It can't be swept under the carpet as if it isn't a HUGE deal, and one that affects the very trust necessary to maintain a marriage.

So many times when there is cheating in a marriage, there is a deficit somewhere within the marriage that allowed the affair to seep in.  If that can be dealt with honestly and openly by both partners, those deficits can be revealed and worked on.  Maybe there isn't enough positive attention being given to the cheating partner, which caused them to be vulnerable to outside compliments.  Maybe there isn't enough intimacy within the marriage to meet needs.  THOSE things can be worked on in ways that no longer leave a deficit.  There are additional  issues that result from the actual affair - lack of trust, harm to self-esteem of the cheated-upon partner, etc.  ALL of those would need to be dealt with in order to get the marriage back on track.  But when it comes to gay affairs, the main issue with regards to the deficit is that the straight partner CAN'T fulfill that need.  So the deficit will always be there, and it'll always just be a resisting game until the cheating partner is weak again, or chooses to fulfill that need.  That's the real issue with the gay thing - the very idea that that itch can't be scratched by a straight spouse.  Meaning that the gay partner is always unfulfilled - even when they don't show it.  They may have good intentions with regards to their marriage, but underneath it all is a deep void that can't and won't be met with a straight partner.

Getting down to the bottom her sexual attraction is paramount.  I'm not sure how to tell you to do that, though.  After all, it kind of depends on her honesty.  And she's already shown that 1) she'll hide things from you that are to her own benefit, and 2) she says that she wants to stay together.  When #1 & #2 combine, it means that they will do what it takes to appear to no longer have any same-sex attraction and interest.  Because they realize that this is the base of the issue.  So they remove that issue and hide it.  You can never be sure if the issue is still there or really gone.  Even if you could tell that it really was gone, can you know that it won't return?  It leaves more questions than answers.  And that's the part that sucks about this - not being able to crawl inside their brains to see the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Honestly, once same-sex attraction has blossomed beyond the occasional though or porn viewing into a full-fledged affair with love, I personally think it's too late to save the ship from sinking.  Others would disagree.  Others still would say that they used to disagree, but after much struggle, they've found that it is, in fact futile to fight this force.  Each person must make their own decision.  I would say though that I'd encourage you not to put her desires and feelings before your own.  She's already been doing that - you need someone to fight for what YOU need and desire.  If you won't do it, she'd certainly not going to.  Then you have her desires and needs taking center stage, with you trying to accommodate them in order to not lose the marriage.  It can take a while to realize that you may have already lost that battle and are just giving her what she wants because you fear it'll be over if you don't.  You are afraid to lose her, so you give her what she wants.  That's not what the marriage is supposed to be.  It's supposed to be - at it's very base - committed, faithful and dedicated.  The fact that she gave those things away and lied to you about them says that if you hadn't have found out on your own, she'd likely still be doing those things.  Which means she's not making changes and trying for your sake as much as because not doing so will cause her to lose something that she wants (for whatever reason).

Kel

Joining this group has been and continues to be a valuable resource for me.  You are all speaking open honest and hard truth.  I appreciate that. I guess I need to determine if she is really gay through and through. Was this an experiment? Or has she really changed her sexual preferences?
There is obviously a problem in our marriage and there are great big stresses. The main one being our handicapped daughter. I think this woman who started out as her friend has always been gay.  I think she manipulated the friendship to get close to my wife and fulfill a need.  Once that intimacy and trust was there it allowed other feelings that my wife was not prepared for.  I think this woman manipulated her from the start.  I am certain that this woman is and always has been gay.  She saw something beautiful in my wife and she attempted to take it.
Can my wife now become happy in a straight marriage?
what kind of counselor can should I be looking for help us?

Last edited by loyal Man (December 9, 2016 9:45 pm)

Alfred Kinsey - I looked him up on Wikipedia, he used to self harm due to the homo-erotic feelings he had.

The Kinsey scale is not exactly hard science!  more like one man's wishful thinking -

I'm not gay, I can't be gay, maybe everyone is gay, okay maybe I rank a little higher in a scale of gayness than some others but I'm not gay.

There is this photo of my ex.  Tall and muscly young body, long hair caught by the wind, he is standing in the shallows of a lake with his girlfriend slung over one shoulder.  The very picture of masculinity - it never occurred to me to think how come he's so ready for the camera at such a moment.  In fact he had already had sex with a man when that photograph was taken.  

I always thought he was such a nice man!





 

There is another factor at play for me here. I told you all that we are building a house that will allow our daughter handicap accessibility.  We live in a small house now that is a two bedroom 900 sq feet ranch.  There is NOTHING handicapped accessible about it. We finished the basement to make it 1800 sq feet of living space and all three girls have their own rooms now. The problem is wont really allow wheelchair access and it never will. We don't even have frontage on our small .2 acre lot.  there are two houses in front of ours.
To make a very long story very short. one day I applied for a grant for a wheel chair accessible van. The providers of the grant were so taken with my daughter that they insisted on not only giving her the van but wanted to start a flash campaign for her as well that would fund perhaps a bathroom renovation for her. We had no idea what this meant and what we were in for. Once that campaign went live we raised nearly $200,000 dollars for her "bathroom renovation".  So many great people chipped in to help her and to help us. We were able to take the money and buy a 4.6 acre lot and are now in the middle of construction and 100% accessible home for my daughter and my wonderful family.  It was going to be our dream home. Over 5000 people chipped in to help make this dream a reality. Many of our friends, family, community members and just plain strangers volunteered to help build this house. We owe our community a great deal of thanks for all that they have done to help us.  We are at the point now where we need to sell our current house which is all but paid for to help finance the rest of our new home construction. 
1. I am certain we should now be hanging onto this house because one of us could be living here if we were to split.
2. how can we break up our family and perhaps have to sell our new house to split in a divorce when literally over 5000 people put their faith in us and selflessly gave us their hard earned money to build this dream house.  If we sell it to split in a divorce I would never be able to walk in public again. I would feel like I betrayed my friends, family and community.   I fear the two of us, and our family are moving into that house in 2 months, like it or not.  I have no other solution to that problem. I dreamed every day for 1.5 years that we would move into this house as a happy loving and appreciative family. I have enjoyed working hard on that house. The thought of it now makes me sick. I fear i will never live there.   I don't want to be the one to move out.  I did nothing wrong. I just want to make it work.
...My hell continues

Last edited by loyal Man (December 9, 2016 10:22 pm)