Hi Ted - I'm sorry you've found yourself here.  Just know that there are many of us all over the world and you're not alone. 

Going to talk to a counselor and your priest is a good first step.  But don't put too much weight into what either has to say.  They are good to talk to for support but in my experience the counselors who claimed to be "experts" in this were nothing more than normal people with a few chapters of a textbook they had read in college to call on for experience.  And every single one of them was wrong in their assessment of my gay in denial ex.  It's just that this is a very underground world we are in right now and it's not very common for anyone to know about it let alone be able to offer guidance through it...unless you've lived it.  That's why this site is so helpful.  Talking about it is a good thing.  For me, the more I talked the more of a weight I felt was lifted off my shoulders.  You're in the very beginning stages of this crap.  Read as much as you can here and share as much of your story as you feel comfortable with.  You'll most likely be amazed at the similarities you find here.

keep posting

TedB...I am so sorry that you are going trough this. I am also at the beginning stages of all of this. My husband told me 2.5 weeks ago that he was gay after 14 years together (10 married) and I also am questioning everything over the last 14 years and feel like it has all been a lie (even though he tells me otherwise).

Right now I am taking things day by day (I actually feel like its moment by moment) and I feel like that is the best you can expect right now. I am sorry you are going through this but I understand the pain.

TedB wrote:

Thank you all so much for the kind words and helpful information. I will take this slowly and just deal with today, today. The whole picture is just to much to handle. We have had our problems though out our 37 year marriage including a separation and many other issues but this just blew me away. I can't even wrap my head around this. I know she says that she thinks she might be gay but I believe you are right that she is in fact gay. I can't do anything about this so I won't even try, unfortunately I am still living with her and that won't change anytime soon. We have grown children and I don't know how this will effect them. She says that she is going to talk to some gay women to try and confirm whether or not she is gay and that she will tell me after that for sure. Wow my life just keeps getting crappier and crappier!

No marriage is perfect.  But 37 years means it was pretty good on the whole.  By the way.. I can't make a 100% blanket statement here, but from what I've heard and seen, most gay people have always been gay.  They don't just turn gay at some point late in life.  So, what this means is that she's been lying to herself and to you about her love for you for 37 years.  I'm not trying to sew seeds of hate..  but I want you to understand that most likely the reason you have had your struggles at the root because of her sexuality.  Don't beat yourself up for having some challenges during your marriage.  Everyone does.. but not everyone can make it last 37 years.. especially with a lesbian.   You are not a bad husband.. You are a damn HERO.   Find me another man who could keep a lesbian happy for 37 years.   

Also.. be prepared for her to pass blame on you later for any struggles you have had.  When guilt sets in and she sees how much she has hurt you she will try to deflect the blame on you for anything she can find. 

One more nugget..  Her going to her lesbian friends to "try and confirm whether or not she is gay" is a load of crap.  She knows she is gay.. she just wants some other lesbians to affirm it for her and tell her it's ok and tell her how heroic she is for coming out of the closet.  She's looking for someone else to help her feel better and give her some confidence to come out. 

Don't worry about your kids yet.  They don't need to know anything today.  That's something for tomorrow, so don't stress about it.   However, if you are extremely close to them and feel you need them for support, then you should be able to reach out to them.  What I don't want you to do is harm yourself more than necessary to keep her secret.  That's not fair to you.   

What you need to know right now is this.   Your are a good man!  This is not your fault!   Life will get better.. you have many years of happiness ahead of you.  You just can't see it yet.  But take it one day at a time and know that God loves you and will help you through this.  You will come out the other side a better person and you will know peace and joy and love again.   


We can all share a lot more advice for you as you progress through this journey.  But let's leave those things for the future.   Just get through today.  Know that we are all here for you.  Please feel free to post and share anything you want.  You will find a ton of wonderful men and women on this site who will share your pain and offer you compassion and care.   We are here for you. 

Last edited by lostdad (December 7, 2016 11:22 am)

Tedb,
I'm so sorry you need to be here, but so glad you found us. The pain, and confusion you are feeling now are like no other, I remember it well. I'm 2 years out of an over 30 year marriage myself. You're going to be in for a roller coaster of emotions, many all at once. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but I assure you it will get better. Gather a good support system, you are going to need it. I have found although I have some great friends and family, no one but these awesome people here understand the layers of deception, although not everyone has experienced that. We get it. We get the questioning of every memory. Check the home page for a contact information to see if you have a face to face str8 group in your area, another invaluable resource. Keep posting, we are here. One day at a time.

Ted, 

You are going to be just fine.  I can tell already because you are thinking clearly and processing things very logically.  

Please know that this is a huge rollercoaster.  One day you will feel a little better and hours later you will feel terrible again.  It's normal and don't let the dips get you down.  Just expect the emotional roller coaster and take solace when you are down in the fact that the next day you will feel better again. 

You are so right about communicating here being therapeutic.  It absolutely is.   And there is nothing off limits on this forum.  You can be as open and honest and possible.  We all get it.. we've been there.. some of us still are. 

I'm so glad to hear that you are going to take care of yourself.  We always say "be kind to yourself".  For me that meant, "don't beat myself up".  For others, that means take time to do things you enjoy or that make you feel good.  Think about what you want to do for yourself and do it.  Now is your "rainy day".. 

As Dee mentioned, depending on where you live you might be able to find a local group to meet with.  That has been incredibly helpful for many people.  There is also a national straight spouse facebook page.. You can send me a PM and I can try to help you get hooked up. 

Keep moving forward my friend!   One step at a time.