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1 of 1- AM
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Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
Hi everyone,
I've perused the forums a bit and haven't found answers to my situation and if you know of any threads where this has been discussed, I am happy to read them. I am not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be transgender. He says he is straight. I found out that while we've been together the past 5 years, he's been watching porn that he says is simply a fantasy or fetish and has been watching it since he was a teenager. The porn is a scenario where two straight male friends are hanging out, when an act of magic (yes, magic) turns one of them into a woman. The two people then proceed to have sexual relations where the man is still in the woman's body saying things like he's surprised how much he likes it. I won't get into much more details than that, as I'm sure you all can gather the theme. He's watched many videos like this, including where he becomes a pregnant woman and the same scenario ensues.
Being non-judgemental and loving, I've encouraged him to talk to me about it. He insists it's simply about the "scenario, about being a completely different person, it's not real" He's told me that when he was younger he used to wear his mother's clothes and it would turn him on. He did it many times when his parents left the house.
We haven't had sex in years. We never really did, he's always had excuses for not. Sometimes he's even said he's non-sexual, but I would say otherwise because of the porn. Sex has always been a very awkward thing where he tenses up. He has admitted to me he's pretended to be someone else so that he could do it, one of these people he's pretended to be was a random ex-boyfriend of mine he doesn't even know and I barely had talked about. He said it was because he imagined my ex must have been a real man that knew how to please me. The lack of sex for years has been seriously getting to me.
There's other things too that I've noticed now that I'm realizing he might not be into women. Sometimes the way he speaks and gestures is quite feminine. When he compliments my outfit or earrings, it's the way my girlfriends do like "Where did you get those? I haven't seen that on you." He's very curious about what different items of my clothing are called. He likes watching me put on makeup. I've asked him if he was into anal sex and he very strongly said "No, that's gay." Sexually, he really only is into it if I'm the one in charge, so to speak. For him, he really stresses how important just kissing and holding each other is, and he does enjoy it but rarely wants to take it to the next level. When we have sex, he needs it to be loving, romantic, eye-gazing sort of thing, anything else is too kinky for him, despite the porn he watches.
We're both attractive and people view me as a feminine woman and him as masculine. He's a fighter pilot and I'm in the medical field.
I've been open-minded, compassionate and willing to work through this. He's said he's no longer watching the porn, it was just a phase. I saw on our computer history he recently watched straight sex porn, so I was relieved, but he still hasn't pursued me sexually. I feel like most of this problem is due to his upbringing where sex was shameful and not ever spoken of.
I am so confused. He says he can't tell me anything else that will satisfy me, that he's not gay and he doesn't have a hidden desire to become a woman.
I've been seriously considering a divorce now for over a year. If anyone can offer me insight, I would greatly appreciate it.
AM
- Rob
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
AM,
So sorry..not sure if I have any answers for you.. I will say I watched no porn when married and happy.. but .. It always took some work to get my now ex to have sex...as I look back maybe these are the signs that everyone talks about.
I say , first. don't beat yourself up.. We married our spouses because we loved them.. I think you should tell your husband your hurt by the porn and lack of attention..ask if it's his intent to hurt you. I think the fact that you have to look at his computer history..signals lack of trust that will eat away at the marriage. You can't do it alone.. Tell him he needs to be "all in" or the marriage won't last. I would say keep snooping but, that, ultimately is your gut telling you something is wrong.
Last edited by Rob (December 6, 2016 7:28 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- AM
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
Hi Rob,
Thank you for your response. You're right, there is a lack of trust and that's never good for a marriage. I appreciate your advice!
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Thread Starter- phoenix
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
AM. Trust your instincts.. you will find them to be correct.
You said: "We're both attractive"
You said: "We haven't had sex in years. We never really did, he's always had excuses for not."
You said: " he used to wear his mother's clothes and it would turn him on."
Putting it simply.. you are not married to a normal heterosexual male. He is not what you thought he was. he is keeping a secret from you. Whether he is gay or trans or confused or whatever the label is, doesn't really matter. He isn't what you thought he was.
I guess it's possible for a person to be non-sexual.. to just have zero interest in sex. But if this was the case, he would have no reason to view porn right?
So you know that there is something not normal about him. I hate to break this you, but you might never know the real truth. The secret of a homosexual who is not ready to reveal their true self is the best guarded secret in the world. They have spent a lifetime keeping it hidden and have become professional liars. Anything you come up with to question, they will have already thought up an excuse for.
So, you need to decide if you are happy in a marriage with no intimacy. Worse than that.. can you be happy in a marriage where you know he has some sexual interest.. but not with you. Will you be able to live with the fear that he's having illicit affairs with other men?
Trust your gut.. keep thinking about it because it's a really big decision. Learn about divorce law in your state so that you are prepared. Keep an eye on his computer/phone, etc.. and watch for signs.
But remember.. you might never learn the truth from him.
So sorry you find yourself here. We all wish you the best and are here to support you in any way we can.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Rob
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
"...Keep an eye on his computer/phone, etc.. and watch for signs. "
I concur and recommend you snoop; one needs to face reality not hide from it. But I grew weary of it. That really was end for me...having to snoop on your spouse is no way to live..just the fact they are hiding something is such a blow ...it is disrespectful, arrogant, and hurtful.
Last edited by Rob (December 6, 2016 4:03 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Still Wondering
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
AM - I'm sorry you're here. Mine was a military pilot too. I was never quite sure what his angle was either. He would watch regular porn but he would watch guy on guy just as much. One of the ones I found saved to the computer was a scenario where a guy was blindfolded and tricked into thinking he was going to have anal with a girl and then they switched her out for a guy at the last minute so the blindfolded guy supposedly didn't know. After that one I found a barrage of guy on guy, anal, oral, you name it. Then the dildos and men's G-strings started arriving at our house.
After years of this merry-go-round I finally filed for divorce. There finally came a day where I decided it just didn't matter what he "was" or what he admitted to, whatever it was it just wasn't for me. Fast forward four years....he is now dating again. I hear it's a girl. Good luck to them both.
- iamthelorax
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
Hi AM, really sorry you're going through this. I personally would abstain from snooping. You're never going to be satisfied with evidence to the contrary of your suspicions and you'll hate finding what you're afraid to find out. My 2 cents is to concentrate on what you want at the moment. Even if he was straight, it sounds like you're unhappy. I spent a long time trying to force happiness in that marriage and in the end it made me depressed when the inevitable occurred.
This is why I suggest instead, concentrate on defining the life you need/want. Confront him with the changes you need and take action of you can't get it. I know this is easier to say than do. Take care.
- AM
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Re: Not sure if my husband is straight, gay or desires to be trans
lostdad wrote:
Putting it simply.. you are not married to a normal heterosexual male. He is not what you thought he was. he is keeping a secret from you. Whether he is gay or trans or confused or whatever the label is, doesn't really matter. He isn't what you thought he was.
So you know that there is something not normal about him. I hate to break this you, but you might never know the real truth. The secret of a homosexual who is not ready to reveal their true self is the best guarded secret in the world. They have spent a lifetime keeping it hidden and have become professional liars. Anything you come up with to question, they will have already thought up an excuse for.
So, you need to decide if you are happy in a marriage with no intimacy. Worse than that.. can you be happy in a marriage where you know he has some sexual interest.. but not with you.
Hi lostdad,
I actually read your comment more than once because you're absolutely right. At the end of the day, no matter what the label is, I am still not having my needs met. I agree I'll likely never find out everything, I am going to focus on myself and try my best to keep moving ahead. Thank you so much for your support.
AM
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Thread Starter