I'm in a hurry this morning, so I don't have time to write much. I'll be back later, but don't don't don't don't choose number 3. Nobody here will suggest that option. You think you are a shitty husband? I was unfaithful to my wife. I still don't deserve what I got and neither to you. People make mistakes.

Option 3 is not it..although we all long to see god.  If you have kids this is definitely not an option.

I say option 3 is not it because our spouses are not gods, demigods, omnipotent beings. Looking back now I can't believe I ever thought she was worth killing myself over.

Like you divorce seemed daunting..how would my then wife live as she had no job.  But she didn't seem to worry about it..especially when she chose to cheat and discard me.

If you have kids and are a mentally strong i urge you to go back.  If your paying the mortgage  and you did not cheat  I urge you to stay in YOUR home.  This shows the kids you did not leave or cheat.  It makes it so your not paying the mortgage on a house for her to stay in and say "you left".

If your not mentally strong than getting away is probably best.

Write back for advice but don't choose option 3.  You are valuable and  worthy.  I'm slowly learning now we all deserve happiness ..we are not put on this earth to serve a person that abuses us.

Prayers for you.

Last edited by Rob (July 7, 2016 7:42 am)

Thank you for coming and talking to us - I hope we can help. As everyone else has said, option 3 is not the solution. You have value and worth and still so much more to do. Times are dark now, but they will pass - darkness always passes. You may not believe me, but you WILL find joy and happiness again. I can't say when or where, but I can promise you it is out there waiting for you. 

If I may also say - you have written that your wife blames you for this, for a decision you made many years ago. I have seen on this forum that this is incredibly common for people in situations like ours. There is a need for damage limitation, of trying to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This is a smoke screen - life doesn't work like that! Self-esteem and self-worth are not shattered by one sentence, by one action, by one person. Life is much, much more complicated than that, but it can give someone an outlet to avoid facing guilt or pain themselves. I very much believe this is the case in your situation.

You are not the biggest asshole husband who ever lived - you are HUMAN! We all make mistakes, but she cannot say that your mistake directly led to her feeling the way she does, and it was her own decision to start flirting with someone else. We can only judge by actions - for example, if someone said I looked scruffy so I went and stole a bunch of trendy clothes, I couldn't say my jail time was their fault for making me feel scruffy! No, MY actions in stealing are MY responsibility. Your mistake 6 years ago does not excuse her actions today.

Finally you mention how bad the heartbreak is. Jeez, trust me on this one - here, we know how you are feeling. I think we have all felt the yawning hole which feels unending that is true heartbreak. Trust me though - IT IS NOT unending. What you are feeling is grief for 'how things were' and even more so for 'how you wanted things to be'. When I went through my break up last year, I was lucky in that I had a counsellor I could speak with. She told me that grief is good - it is an essential process we have to follow. She said the best thing is that grief PASSES. 100% of the time. How long it takes varies on the person and how they process it, but ultimately grief is a temporary thing. The way you feel will now will pass, and you will be happy, possibly happier than you've been in years, at the end of it. 

PLEASE keep posting. We're here, we understand and we want to help.

You really need to talk to a lawyer, as the law varies among jurisdictions. Find out what your rights are. The unknown can be fearsome, the more you know the less you have to fear. You are dealing with enough emotional trauma as it is. 

And get rid of the gun. As hard as a divorce would be on your kids, that alternative will cause them a lifetime of pain. Please don't do that to them.

First of all, get rid of the gun.  You do not NEED that.  If you're not with your wife and kid, then it's protecting no one but you anyway.  And honestly, it way more of a danger to you this way than it is a protection.  See the damned thing and put some extra money in your pocket.  Go to the doctor and talk about anti-depressants.  Get a counselor ASAP.

The laws are different in different states and jurisdictions.  So no, you may not actually have to be physically separated to be divorced.  You might need to establish a legal separation, but that can be done on paper in court.  Some states don't even require that.  You are not going to have all your answers without speaking to a lawyer.  A lawyer consultation will be free in almost all cases, and you will leave there feeling like you know much more of what's available to you.

As for the house, you won't necessarily wind up paying for 1/2 of the expenses to support her.  Usually there is child support (which is typically factored in a certain percentage of your income, based on how many kids there are), and there is spousal support - which is typically for a few years, or until they get remarried (whichever comes first).  Right now you are still in a mindset of wanting your wife to have everything she wants, and the kids too.  But that may not be reasonable.  What would be reasonable is everything they NEED.  She doesn't NEED to live down the street from her now girlfriend.  She can drive her ass over there if she needs to.  You don't need to accommodate that.  And your kids don't NEED to live in the same exact same house.  Maybe you feel they need to stay in the same schools.  Fine - same district.  It doesn't have to be your wife's dream house in order for your kids to be happy.

I tell you this all because if you're worried about giving your ex everything she's asking for (which honestly, she has NO right to - you didn't end the relationship - SHE did!), you might not be able to afford to have a place large enough for your kids to come visit you at comfortably.  Or enough money to be able to take them places and do things with them when they visit.  You cannot stack all the cards in your ex's favor unless you are wealthy.  And she can start working, especially if the kids are in school.  She'd have a few years of spousal support to help her get through until she can get some more education or get a little work under her belt to help establish a job history.  You do not owe it to your wife to let her stay home for the rest of her life.

As to whether you stay with your soon-to-be-ex or not, that's a question that should start with a lawyer and end with what you think you're comfortable with that won't work against you monetarily.  Even being gone you should be able to see the kids now and spend time with them.  A lawyer will walk you through all of that.

Lastly, you are not responsible for all that ails your marriage.  I too have had a tummy tuck and breast lift (with a reduction vs. an enlargement), and a lot of that was to gain my now ex husband's attention (he was gay).  But Iiiiiii made the decision to do that.  And it was one of several reasons I did it.  I did it mostly because I felt bad about how I looked - to me.  She DID have the option of saying "fuck you" when you admitted that you wanted her to have bigger breasts.  And she could have just gotten implants without the tummy tuck.  She's NOT mutilated.  And you know what? SHE KNOWS THAT.  She knows she's turning heads.  She is confident enough to strike out on her own and think that she'll be just fine.  The entire thing that she's telling you about how you're responsible for making her mutilate herself is a big, fat lie.  TRUST ME on this one.  I've got scars all over my body, and I've never felt mutilated.  She chose to do that, she LIKES the results, she turns heads, and she's gonna blame you for everything?  I call bullshit.  You cannot say "I wish you had bigger boobs" to a woman and ruin her life.  If your friend told you something like that, you'd call bullshit, too.  It's just so much easier to feel guilty about it when that's what she's aiming for.

Know that the person who is now your wife is going to be like a stranger to you.  She is going to act selfish, juvenile and as if YOU did something wrong.  That's not the truth.  They all do this - they try to make it about you so it doesn't have to be about them.  So that THEY don't have to feel the fallout.  It's not your responsibility to save her from herself.  She knew once she admitted all this to you that you'd want to leave.  She had her answer ready for why it should be YOU who should do so.  And she knew that if her telling you all this would break you up that she'd have to think about the monetary aspects of this.  It was worth it to her.  She's not an idiot.  She's counting on YOU to be, though.  Prove her wrong.

I know you still love her.  But if she loved you, she wouldn't be doing this to you.  People who love you don't treat you like crap.  Remember that when you start to feel like winning her back.  Don't beg for her back when what you'd be begging for is someone who is comfortable hurting you and screwing you over.

Kel