Tam, 

I'm so sorry!  I know exactly how you feel.  My wife is leaving me for a married woman.  We were married 16 years and have two sons.  The devastation of having your spouse reveal that they have lied to you for a long time about themselves is awful.  But what's even worse is finding out that the person who vowed to give themselves only to you for life has given themselves fully to another person is a knife in the back.  It's so awful, so selfish, so unfair. 

My first couple months were hell on earth.  I'm still there, but starting to see the light in the future.  Please take care of yourself.  Gather a support network to help you through it.  He doesn't deserve to have his secret kept at your own expense.  Think about seeing a councilor or Dr. if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, etc.. 

If you both agree that you are headed toward divorce you need to think about how to do that.  Do some reading online about your state's laws for divorce with minor children.  Consider whether or not you can trust him when it comes to money issues.  You can usually get a free hour of consultation with an attorney.  You can do that with a few different ones and ask a ton of questions.  

I don't want to turn you against him, but keep in mind that he has violated your trust completely and shown only selfishness.  If you don't think you can trust him, hire an attorney to protect your best interest. 

My wife and I were a little unique I guess.  We have stayed "just" civil enough to get through the process without lawyers.  We attended mediation, but had already worked out nearly every detail necessary ahead of time.  If you can do this you can save yourselves thousands of dollars and have a better chance of staying friendly through the divorce.  This is best for the kids of course. 

If you have allowed him to keep control over the finances, do something about that right now.  Make sure you have awareness and access to all accounts and assets. 

Count on us here to help you any way we can.  Please continue to share your thoughts and feelings and ask lots of questions.  None of us are professionals, but we can share our own experiences and support and you can take away what you feel is helpful. 

On the living arrangements issue.  I don't think you can legally make him move out unless there has been abuse because he is most likely on the title if you own the house or on the lease if you rent it.  If he does move out, the state will consider it to be abandonment and he will have little to no chance of custody, so he is not likely to move away voluntarily.  See if you can push him to move out.  Set some ground-rules and find some leverage.  

All my best..  so sorry you are here!

Last edited by lostdad (November 26, 2016 9:22 am)

Wow, everyone.  Thanks so much for the encouragement.  This is amazingly and crushingly hard.  I really appreciate being able to just talk freely about what's going on.  The kids are hanging in there.  The older 3 are already in therapy, and all 5  need a lot of extra time, energy, and TLC right now.   I work for a church so the kids and I have a lot of support there. My STBX is just bizarre right now.  It's like having another 13 year old in the house.  (Except he has a lot more power!)  We already have separate bank accounts, and we're slogging through finances in our talks.  These talks are the weirdest.  He is so upset, that he actually swoons.  Once he totally passed out.  (And yes, he's been to the doctor - all checked out.)  Good grief. 
I'm functioning at work, but it's minimal.  Meeting with my boss on Monday to discuss some possible leave time.  I'm thinking I may need it even more later.  My son was in the hospital for a week in October for being suicidal.  Got called into school last week for the twins failing their depression screening at school.  (No real surprise there, but started a third kid in therapy after finding out she had had a plan for suicide last May. )

Meanwhile, I'm starting to figure out where I fit in all this mess.  The me part.  
 

I guess after posting my last I realized I wasn't finished with my comment, because one thing that has driven me crazy in my situation (my "transgender" spouse wanting to feminize himself, ideally eventually through hormones) is that he doesn't seem to take our son into consideration. I've asked him point blank several times what his thinking about our son is--how and when will he tell him, what effect he thinks his decision could have on our son or their relationship and whether he weighs his own desire to feminize himself against these things.  He just avoids the question.  I'm sure the question makes him uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to engage it.  Meanwhile, I"m thinking about it all the time, worrying, playing possible reactions and conversations in my head--and that is another way in which I'm acting as a shock absorber to my husband, who is living his closeted and duplicitous life.  What I'll tell my son when I divorce my husband I don't know--but I do know I won't decide based on keeping my husband's secret.

Tam, JK,

So so sorry... don't you just love the way  these spouses directly harmed the kids ...and they think they are morally right.   It boggles the mind.       My older one probably had the toughest time when me and the ex were in the same house in stark silence...yes I got the suicidal threats..    Still my ex at the time thought she was in the right.    Lately its the younger one who lashes out..  

All we can do is be stoic.   Be there for the kids..    It a rainstorm and all we can do is hand them an umbrella.     As we gather strength our kids can be the recipents..  our exs or STBXs ...they are not entiled to anything from us.

 

Last edited by Rob (November 27, 2016 9:58 pm)