Kt,

My divorce on paper is finalized but I'm still waiting for her to move out.  But my lezex is a raging phycho...not sure if I have the typical divorce..I don't think so.

Like you I've known my spouse since school.  So her cheating with a woman after decades and kids is a complete mind fuck. The first thing I did was find a therapist for me because I wanted to know if I was crazy.  I was devoted to her..what did I do wrong..did I not make enough money, did not give her enough physical affection etc.

It was good to have third party validate to me that I did not do this..  also they ask if you'll commit suicide over it... in the beginning I felt like that if not for the kids..that's how wrapped up in her I was.  Now I can't believe I ever thought that.  If I learned anything it's our spouses are not that important...they are are not gods, demi gods,or omnipotent .    They are mortal beings like us that broke the marriage promise.  They broke the sexual norm that we thought we both abided by.   If anything  they tossed out the morality that we thought they had. These are fundamental things that basically destroy the marriage..  in my case  she essentially cheated and then discarded me.  No remorse . She actually told me she sleeps fine.

I also asked friends from my school days if they knew or had any indication she was really a lesbian..nothing ..so even lifelong friends were duped.   But they did see the narcissism of which I was blind.  But I loved her.

I have good days and bad days...I
try not to think how horrible it is.  She has treated me so badly I'd rather be living on the street than be with her.  One cannot wrap ones head around the why.  I will say do not look for a sorry or explanation from them.  All we can do is take care of ourselves and kids.   Believe in ourselves and god.  Faith and trust cannot be found in our spouses.  Morality , fierce unconditional love will not be found in them.  We may have thought so but no.. After decades it's Gods way I guess of saving us from them.

I can give lots of my journey/story but you can tell by all my posts Im still in it.

May God grant you perseverance, strength and peace ..  and if I find no peace on this earth I know I will see my god and you guys one day.

Last edited by Rob (July 8, 2016 4:38 am)

Your happy memories are not lies - they are YOUR memories! I think it is important to remember the good times, because they are why we got married in the first place. Yes, things ended unhappily, but there were good times. For me, my relationship with my ex was a significant portion of my life, and I had many, many happy times and experiences in it. I am not willing to let the fact that the relationship ended spoil things that I love.

I'll give an example. I often go on holiday on a river boat, which is moored in different places in the country. It's my Dad's boat (which makes me sound much richer than I actually am) and he lets me take it out. Now some of the happiest times of my marriage were on those holidays, and I was worried those memories would prevent me using the boat again.

I wasn't willing to let that happen. The next time I had an opportunity to take it out, I took it. I even took my new girlfriend with me. I had a good time - I had to confront my demons and memories in that place and I'd be lying if I said that wasn't difficult. BUT I was not willing to lose something so important to me, and it's something I want in MY life going forward. 

We don't have to forget our pasts. Yes we will find our memories have a veneer of sadness, but that is the way things are - it is sad to lose someone. It is important however to remember that the relationship was not always like it was when it ended - we all had good reasons for starting and maintaining our relationships and we loved our spouses. 

As for wanting to hurt him like you're hurting - I can understand. One thing you need to remember though - how he is doing is none of your problem anymore. If you are hurting and unhappy, then YOU are in the driving seat to change that. You are going to move on, and have a terrific new life, exactly the way YOU want it. Take that anger you feel, and use it like steam in an engine and drive yourself forward - I found anger to be incredibly useful to get things done and to make changes. For example, you want to get fitter? When you feel angry pull your trainers on and walk that anger and frustration out - show that damn pavement how pissed off you are, and how you're not going to take it anymore by walking all over the bloody thing. House in disarray? Much easier to throw things away when angry! I've done some incredibly angry vacuuming, my windows and mirrors have been polished very, very thoroughly at times. 

You are right to be angry - you have been wronged! USE IT! It gives you strength at this time, when you can feel your weakest.

Also from my own perspective - my anger has totally cooled off, I'm not really angry any more. This is annoying, because damn my house was tidy when I was angry!!

Bob - Excellent comments about how to use anger to one's advantage, and how it can actually be a "positive" emotion in certain ways.  I don't think I have gotten angry enough sometimes, and after reading your post, I am going to do some re-assessing, and maybe some de-cluttering and long put off cleaning.  Thank you.

None of the answers will ever be understandable to you.  And that's because you would never have done what he did.  There ARE no good answers - only bad one, and REALLY bad one.  They don't give you closure.  They just give you more to chew on.  Until your mouth is so full trying to digest crap that you're choking on it.  And then you realize that you can just spit it all out and be fine.

I got closure from the fact that I found out that he was gay.  Allllll those years trying to figure out what was wrong with ME, only to find out that he liked men.  And I'm not one.  Game over.  Moving on.  I took solace in the fact that I was SO awesome, I could even get a gay man to marry me and want sex with me and want and start a family with me.  And the fact that if I could keep a gay marriage afloat for 16 years, I must certainly be able to keep a straight one afloat forEVer.  I am so beautiful that I can make a gay man turn his head.  Now, all of this is just me feeding myself fun things to make me feel better.  Because feeling like a chump was getting me nowhere.  But it worked.

It happened.  Just like if you walked out into the yard one night and got hit by an asteroid while walking to the garage.  WHAT did you do to deserve that?  NOTHING.  What could you have done to prevent it? NOTHING.  It was a freak accident.  Could you have avoided it if you'd looked up and seen it coming?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  And who goes around looking up in the sky when there's so much to trip over on the ground?  You can't spend the right of your life wondering why the asteroid was attracted to you, or about why you ever bought that house in the first place when it was bound to be an asteroid magnet.  IT.DOESN'T.MATTER.  All that matters is trying to heal, and moving on with your life.  No amount of knowledge is going to undo the asteroid.  It's just something that happened.  Accepting it is the beginning of moving on.

Best -

Kel

p.s. - it's okay to be angry at the asteroid.  Stupid fucking asteroid.  Lol.
 

Wow thank you so much everyone for your feedback. It gives me so much insight. It really does. Everyones replies have been so helpful. I'm realizing waiting for answers will do me no good and you're right, it's just kept me going in circles & getting me more frustrated!
Kel, you're asteroid analogy was great & made me lol but it makes so much sense & true! But I still hate that damn asteroid! And you describing being awesome for attracting a gay man, I'll have to look at it that way some times! Lol

Last edited by Kt2016 (July 9, 2016 2:53 am)