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1 of 1- Maggiekeno
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Please help
I caught my husband on Sniffies about 8 months ago. He had posted photos of himself on his account, fully filled it out, and was having conversations with men sexually. When I confronted him about it, he said he was too scared to ever actually meet anyone in person to go trough with anything. He said he was using it to figure out if he was interested in men or not, as he was confused after having a three-some some time before I met him. Now - he swears he knows for a fact he is not gay or bisexual, even though I told him I would support him if he was. He has been very short with me and angry - more than he ever has been before - in recent months. He says it is because he’s paranoid people know about his being on the website - but I can’t help but fear his anger is because maybe he is hiding his true feelings? Please help, I want to trust what he says - but I don’t know if I should.
- Maggiekeno
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Re: Please help
I should also add - he doesn’t like making out, I recently got a boob job and he doesn’t like them, and he has to take Cialis. I’m always asking to have sex more and he often times turns me down because he says he’s too tired.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Please help
Hi Maggie,
sorry you find yourself here..
It's years and years since I got divorced from a long term marriage to someone I had met when I was still a teenager and just implicitly trusted but actually it turned out he wasn't being remotely honest with me, and he really was gay.
Gay In Denial - it's a real thing and your husband entirely sounds like he fits the bill.
look after yourself. I would encourage you to talk with family and friends, see your doctor maybe? it's not about him anymore - now it's about looking after you.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Please help
Dear Maggiekeno,
I'm sure you would like to trust your husband, and your husband would very much like you to accept his disclaimer that he was "too scared to meet anyone in person," but it doesn't pass the smell test. Sniffies is designed to facilitate real-life encounters. Furthermore, his anger and shortness with you is less a response to his fear that nameless "people" will find out he was on Sniffies than it is intimidation of you to prevent you from disclosing to anyone what you have learned about him. If you put together your husband's activity on Sniffies with his dislike of kissing you, his refusal to have sex with you, and his need to take Cialis when he does agree, it's difficult not to conclude that he is attracted to you is limited to your function as his "beard," someone who allows him to pass as heterosexual and hide his homosexuality (if he were bisexual, he'd be equally attracted to you, and willing to have sex with you).
- freedmyself
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Re: Please help
Hi Maggie,
I'd like to second the excellent advice from lily and OutofHisCloset. The fact that he's conversing sexually on Sniffies behind your back would certainly indicate a lack of truthfulness. It's interesting also that he told you he was using it to figure out if he was gay, then later said he wasn't gay or bi.
This is what Gay in Denial looks like. He's already exhibiting untrustworthy behavior.
This is also what gaslighting looks like - you are seeing things with your own eyes and he is trying to talk you out of your own instinct about him and his behavior. Of course you want to trust him - he's your husband, and we're supposed to be able to trust our spouses. What he's doing is messing with your own inner voice for what's true and what's right. Lots of us here have experienced that.
Really important what Lily said about talking with family and friends. If therapy is an option, I highly recommend that as well.
- Maggiekeno
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Re: Please help
Thank you guys this really means a lot to me. He is very sensitive about the topic, and says that he feels so incredibly embarrassed about it and that that is why. I have asked if he will talk to me about it, and I plan on laying everything out for him. Do you think there is any world where maybe he means it - and that he doesn’t feel that way anymore?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Please help
why bother with that conversation, you already know he's not straight nor is he being straight with you - much more useful to talk to other people in your life, it's very grounding.
I had a two week conversation with my XGIDH about bisexuality. He admitted to bisexuality when I posed that possibility to him out of the blue, he said it meant he had a choice and then he said it wasn't any of my business! When I maintained it wasn't the same as being straight and he should have told me, his response, after thinking about it overnight, was to say he was 100% straight and if I thought any different that would make me unsound of mind. (I swung into action at that point, getting a divorce underway before he could make good on his threat)
Gay In Denial - it's a thing. Look after yourself, things can get a lot worse suddenly.