I thought I would add my story here.  I did write this all among support posts but thought it would be helpful to leave this here. 
My Story
We had a long okay marriage so far but if I'm being honest it wasn't been fulfilling and there was always something missing. Hindsight, well this is why I am here. 

 I have just had confirmation from husband (sort of) that he is same sex attracted. We have been married over 20 years, we have lots of kids.  Here is the progression/story. Sorry if it's long.  Just want to put it all out there and get some support. 
- Some sexual preferences early on were questionable by me but okay and of course he explained it's normal
- More recently requests have been something I am not really wanting to do in the bedroom and I know that is okay but I feel this is what has caused him to look elsewhere or with himself. 
- Caught him watching gay porn about 15 years ago on phone and he denied it and said just thought it was interesting but nothing else - then when I confronted him about it again shortly after he told me I wasn't the person he thought I was because I sounded angry. Then we didn't talk about it again. 
- We had always had 'good' sex I would say but have had less sex significantly in the last few years due to family life, time and health issues on his end but now I am wondering if it is actually not the reason.
- I have come across more porn use and him doing things when I am not around. 
-ED started a few years ago and is now happening every time we are together, previously he blamed it on medication/stress but recently stated he doesn't have it all the time when he is pleasuring himself.  
- I went out of town a few years ago and while I was gone he had gone to an adult store and bought sex toys 'for his prostate' but said it was 'for us' to experiment however it is obviously not as he uses them when I am out of town 
- After this, I outright asked him about watching porn and if he felt like he was gay and instead of saying no he said 'that lifestyle doesn't appeal to me' and he knew I wouldn't be mad if he was....but not the answer I was hoping for. I am so angry I didn't start asking him more at this point. I didn't want the truth I guess. - Since then I have suspected and the porn use and all of the above has continued and got more prevalent

The thing that kills me about this is this is the time I have needed him the most, sick family members, losing parents, kids with severe life long disease diagnosis and I am feeling more alone.

- We have been to marriage counselling and things seemed really good and I had this hope that we were on the right track but the porn/gay/bi whatever attractions never came up.
- This spring he was away for work and I ended up seeing some searches on our home computer that was linked to his account he was using for literotica about two married men having a relationship and sleeping together, extensive gay porn searches of people that look like him and 'gay making love' in some of the searches.  
- this summer I confronted him about this and told him what I found in detail because we were really struggling. His reply was he admired our family members who were gay and trans and they could live their true lives and he has had this 'fantasy' as long as he can remember. 
- This confirmed to me that there is something there, he has something going on with his sexuality, whatever it is. When I heard this, even though I thought I knew, it gutted me and I didn't want that to be the answer.
- I am fairly confident he has never cheated but the progression of this has been something I feel won't be something he can leave out of his life any longer
- He got pretty down the last few weeks and I told him to go talk to someone because he was being unhealthy and needs to show up as a dad and he is seeing a therapist today.  He searched for therapists that specialize in sexual confusion and affirming LGBTQ+ so right there it tells me where things are at and when inquiring he told the therapist he was needing help figuring out these same sex feelings he has and has had them his whole life but has been able to suppress and control them but it is becoming harder as he gets older to keep it bottled up. He said it’s to the point my wife has confronted me about it. He said he hasn’t acted on them, but it is now ‘causing problems’. I have talked to my therapist and I am a mess. Up and down, can't sleep, sick to my stomach, angry so angry, sad and crying all the time all while trying to hide this from the kids. I can't talk to anyone else because he's in the closet.  He is not someone anyone would suspect of being gay or bi. We have had a hard marriage, he has never been the best husband but is a 'good guy' but I have sacrificed a lot for our marriage and our life and now this.  He says he loves me and has been overly affectionate and intimate lately which I feel is a lie and he's trying to convince him and I that this is what he wants. I also feel gross for falling for it because I want him close and feel like I am going to lose him soon. I do love him so much and I am so sad and angry and hopeless and confused and ashamed I didn't figure this out sooner and scared about the future.  I am scared after he goes to therapy things will start rolling and he will be this person who he figures out and I have to accept it and be okay with it, change our marriage for him when I don't think I can or get out now so I can start healing and being happy.  He doesn't seem to see how much this is effecting me.  He says he wants this and us and doesn't want to lose me but I feel like he is going to be looking for a having his cake and eating it too situation best of both worlds for him.  He is also hugely avoidant for hard things so I feel like it would be easier for him if I was pushed to separate.     

Some additional things that have come up since he went to therapy was he decided to write a long explanation for me to understand where he is coming from.  The issue is, and someone else already said this, the only consistency is inconsistency.  From his words, to behaviour, to words he said before, etc.  I know he is in the beginning jumping back into denial type stages but it is already making me crazy and feeling like I am so unbelievably stupid. I am embarrassed to even say some of this stuff because it is embarrassing even for me who didn't say it but also I already know what my gut is telling me and I think I know what replies will be.  I don't know.  I just can't talk to anyone else about this type of detail and anonymously here it feels safe.   Here is what he tells me:
- Q I had asked was has he always known, before we got married, etc.  He says 'it's complicated' but let’s start with what he knows he wants, a woman, me.  Never been attracted to a guy physically or emotionally ever and never wanted a relationship with a man. The time to do that would have been when he got divorced (I am his second marriage) but he said it didn’t cross his mind…so just because he didn’t want to go be with a guy then he still ‘knew’ about these feelings he had.
- He says he is attracted to the act of gay sex but straight sex he is also attracted to, with me of course.
- He then talked about things he liked with our sex life
- Then proceeded to talk about fantasies (which all included me and straight sex type stuff we have done)
- But then said 'actual fantasies' and with out going into too much detail the part that just floored me was he actually said the act of gay sex is a turn on for him but not with another man with me....ummmmm so that's not what that is, the definition is with a man so not possible and is this his way of just getting me to agree to things to get him by.
- Went on to say how much he loves me and loves us and our sex life but also has lots to work on outside of the bedroom.  Then we talked.  I called out all of the inconsistencies and things that didn't make sense.  He also said his therapist told him I was looking for a guarantee of some kind that he was not gay or that he wouldn't leave me.  I didn't know what to say about that.  Um ya maybe but also why you would leave is the issue and I think you don't know what you are right now.  I said you want something that isn't what I can provide, that's the issue, also more important lying to me about all of this and having me a placeholder or substitute for now is not okay. He said I can't guarantee I wouldn't ever leave him there is no guarantees.  I said the reasons are different and you can't compare the two.  

So for now, he doesn't label anything he is and he probably doesn't know or doesn't want to admit and is holding on however he can to the marriage and life he 'wants' but his words are not consistent with his behaviour.  He also didn't completely say no he would never sleep with a man if he had an opportunity, so ya. This is horrible and I hate all of this. As of today he has now, after three sessions of therapy and many requests from me to talk about things and things I deserve to know, he has completely stonewalled me.  No conversations, won’t answer anything I ask or talk to me when I ask him to about anything about us and this, then pretends like everything is fine, meanwhile I am dying inside and struggling to get through every day. My gut is telling me to get out but due to our circumstances right now neither of us can afford to leave and there isn’t room to separate in the home.  I am going to work through this and make plans to protect me and my kids but also need to learn with the help of my therapist how to feel all these feelings that are coming up that I am not comfortable  with, the anger the sadness and hopelessness.

Last edited by Shelby (October 17, 2026 10:39 am)