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1 of 1- Shelby
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Feel lost after finding out
Hello all, I am just looking for support as I have just had confirmation from husband that he is same sex attracted. We have been married over 20 years, we have lots of kids. Here is the progression/story. Sorry if it's long. Just want to put it all out there and get some support.
- Some sexual preferences early on were questionable by me but okay and of course he explained it's normal
- More recently requests have been something I am not really wanting to do in the bedroom and I know that is okay but I feel this is what has caused him to look elsewhere or with himself.
- Caught him watching gay porn about 15 years ago on phone and he denied it and said just thought it was interesting but nothing else - then when I confronted him about it again shortly after he told me I wasn't the person he thought I was because I sounded angry. Then we didn't talk about it again.
- We had always had 'good' sex I would say but have had less sex significantly in the last few years due to family life, time and health issues on his end but now I am wondering if it is actually not the reason.
- I have come across more porn use and him doing things when I am not around only. ED started a few years ago and is now happening every time we are together, previously he blamed it on medication/stress but recently stated he doesn't have it all the time when he is pleasuring himself.
- I went out of town a few years ago and while I was gone he had gone to an adult store and bought sex toys 'for his prostate' but said it was 'for us' to experiment however it is obviously not as he uses them when I am out of town
- After this, I outright asked him about watching porn and if he felt like he was gay and instead of saying no he said 'that lifestyle doesn't appeal to me' and he knew I wouldn't be mad if he was....but not the answer I was hoping for. I am so angry I didn't start asking him more at this point. I didn't want the truth I guess.
- Since then I have suspected and the porn use and all of the above has continued and got more prevalent.
- We have been to marriage counselling and things seemed really good and I had this hope that we were on the right track but the porn/gay/bi whatever attractions never came up.
- This spring he was away for work and I ended up seeing some searches on our home computer that was linked to his account he was using for literotica about two married men having a relationship and sleeping together, extensive gay porn searches of people that look like him and 'making love' in some of the searches.
- About a month ago I confronted him about this and told him what I found because we were really struggling. His reply was he admired our family members who were gay and trans and they could live their true lives and he has had this 'fantasy' as long as he can remember.
- This confirmed to me that there is something there, he has something going on with his sexuallity, whatever it is. When I heard this, even though I thought it was a thing, it gutted me and I didn't want that to be the answer.
- I am fairly confident he has never cheated but the progression of this has been something I feel won't be something he can not explore so not sure what's coming
- He got pretty down the last few weeks and I told him to go talk to someone because he was being unhealthy and needs to show up as a dad and he is seeing a therapist today. He searched for therapists that specialize in sexual confusion and affirming LGBTQ+ so right there it tells me where things are at and when inquiring he admitted he was same sex attracted but loved his wife but it is now causing problems because I confronted him. He also mentioned that he is having trouble suppressing this the older he gets.
I have talked to my therapist and I am a mess. Up and down, can't sleep, sick to my stomach, angry so angry, sad and crying all the time all while trying to hide this from the kids. I can't talk to anyone else because he's in the closet. He is not someone anyone would suspect of being gay or bi. We have had a hard marriage, he has never been the best husband but a 'good guy' but I have sacrificed a lot for our marriage and our life and now this. He says he loves me and has been overly affectionate and intimate lately which I feel is a lie and he's trying to convince him and I that this is what he wants. I also feel gross for falling for it because I want him close and feel like I am going to lose him soon. I do love him so much and I am so sad and angry and hopeless and confused and ashamed I didn't figure this out sooner and scared about the future. I am scared after he goes to therapy things will start rolling and he will be this person who he figures out and I have to accept it and be okay with it, change our marriage for him when I don't think I can or get out now so I can start healing and being happy. He doesn't seem to see how much this is effecting me. He says he wants this and us and doesn't want to lose me but I feel like he is going to be looking for a having his cake and eating it too situation best of both worlds for him. He is also hugely avoidant for hard things so I feel like it would be easier for him if I was pushed to separate.
Anyway, I am sad and just starting this long road of whats to come. I have read a lot of your stories and some are very similar and I just want to thank you all for sharing as I feel less alone.
- freedmyself
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Re: Feel lost after finding out
Shelby, you are so absolutely not alone. Lots of company here.
You might think your story is unique, and it is in a way because it's yours. However, I know from my own experience and time on this forum that someone here could reply "me too" to just about every element of your story.
Please be compassionate with yourself. None of this is your fault. After my GXH came out (we'd also been married 20 years) I could look back and remember things that could have been warning signs but were only visible after I already knew he was gay. I think we interpret from the perspective of what we think is true, so if you think you're married to a straight guy, the stuff your see gets interpreted differently.
It was/is his responsibility to be honest about his sexuality, and as his intimate partner, you have the right to know. It is not your job to be a detective and figure out what's going on, even though that's a natural instinct and a lot of us do it.
This beginning stage, where you are now, is especially hard. Sounds like he's working up the nerve to admit that he's gay. Seems pretty common that when the barrier comes down, the gay spouse seems more emotionally available, at least for a while. It's an odd dynamic, because they are relieved, and we are thrown into turmoil.
My marriage was also hard, and I too sacrificed to stay married to a guy with a lot of emotional and physical health issues. When he came out, I had a lot of different feelings, but among them was relief. I no longer had to twist myself into knots to accommodate him. It was a total rollercoaster of emotions for me.
You're wise for already seeing that he may want to have his cake and eat it too - also pretty common in stories here. You're his beard, so if he can figure out a way to keep you, he has all the benefits of a straight marriage and doesn't have to deal with his true sexuality bubbling up.
While he's sorting out his feelings, it's easy to fall into the trap of focusing on him and what he wants, since it seems like that's where the change is happening. There's a change happening for you, though, too - you have new, better information that he isn't who you thought he was, and that the marriage you signed up for is not the marriage you now have. Focus on you, and what you want.
Glad to hear you're in therapy - it was and is a huge help for me. Also if you have someone close to you to confide in, that helps a ton, too. This is a very painful experience, and yet you can get through it. I'm so much better now than I was before he came out - I'm no longer subjected to his lying and cheating and gaslighting, and I no longer walk on eggshells. Healing is real work, and we're worth it.
Rooting for you over here!
- Shelby
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Re: Feel lost after finding out
You have no idea how much your entire reply means. I cried through all of it and I appreciate the time you took and how you see me in this situation. My therapist also told me I need to tell someone else and I have a dear friend I've had my whole life that I am planning on talking to this weekend. I am just getting the courage up to do that and not feel my own shame in talking about this relationship. Your words really help to put into perspective how much this is not my fault for not seeing and to know what I can't control or what I don't have to own. So grateful, thank you.
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Thread Starter- Blackie563
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Re: Feel lost after finding out
Hi Shelby - you arent alone. I too, gave 19 years of marriage (23 years total) to a fraud. freedmyself mentions many of things I normally would. This one line stuck out in your story "' but I have sacrificed a lot for our marriage and our life and now this" I did too as did many of us. Youre right to feel angry, sad, lied to, all of it. That said, the sunk cost fallacy can keep you stuck. I often thought when my ex first told me about her double life, that I didnt want it to end because I had given her everything and then some I did not have to give, which is why my health was failing. As Feed said, at some point that turns to relief. Don't rush that, but I ant to encourage you not to carry how much you did, because you have so much to process now. I am over 4 years out, never been happier or healthier. You will be too, but for now, take it a day at a time.
- Shelby
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Re: Feel lost after finding out
Thank you for your comments. I definitely see both sides of what you are saying in your replies and am definitely flip flopping everyday/hour between the sunk cost fallacy and now that you have both talked about this, sense of relief, I can also can see this as something that can give me hope for my future. It is amazing the lengths we go to and the amount we give and give up in these relationships. I am not quite there yet with the full sense of relief but I do see what you are saying. It does make a difference hearing how healthy and happy we can be over time. Again, thank you for the support and words.
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