OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - abc506
- New member
Offline
2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
Hello all, I (38M) am about 2 months out from my wife (39F) coming out to me as a lesbian. Over these last 2 months I've been a spiraling wreck. We have a 6 year old son together. Apart from the bedroom in recent years, we have a wonderful relationship. We love each other, support each other, run a business together. Like any couple we've had our ups and downs. But through all of it we have both grown immensely as people. She has taught me how to process emotions in a much healthier way, something I never learned growing up. Our open and honest relationship I think this is what allowed her to come to terms with who she was, despite what that has done to me. And it also is what is helping me to get through all of this day to day. We have told our families for the most part, but the last big step is to tell our son. That is the thing I'm dreading the most.
Here's our story:
We met in 2012, having both been hired to do the same job at a large insurance company. We were seated next to each other on the first day, and I ended up seeing her at lunch and asked to eat with her. We were both in (terrible) relationships at the time, and became friends. A few months later, a group of us from work all went to a college football tailgate / game together. She was newly single, I was barely hanging on to my last relationship. Her and I hit it off and had a blast together all day. We went out to eat as a group later and she was touching my leg under the table and she was very much the one who initiated. I'm not proud of it, but I broke up with my girlfriend at the time at that dinner table via text message and proceeded to have a night of fun with my future wife. We didn't go all the way but we got real close. We planned a date for a day or two later, and when I went to pick her up, she brought me inside, took my pants off and it was on. From there the next few months were a blur of the most fun, wild sex I had ever had in my life. I honestly didn't think I could keep up with her. I had never been with a woman who wanted sex so frequently and so ferally. We very quickly fell in love, moved in together, and were engaged within 2 years. We were married in 2016 and at that time, I would have told you there was absolutely zero chance that her and I weren't destined to be together forever. Let alone that she might be a lesbian.
Looking back now, there were so many signs that we both just didn't see or comprehend. Shortly into us dating, she told me she had dated and kissed a few girls over the years. In my 25 year old brain, that's no problem, maybe we'll have a threesome sometime right? That could be fun. She also would say that if there was ever any adult content that we would watch together (which was rare) but she would only want lesbian porn, no men. Also no problem for me. That works. Then over the years, there were so many things that should have tipped me off. The sex fell off after marriage. But that's what happens right? The honeymoon period ends. But we still love each other. Work stress, financial stress, issues with alcoholism within our families (neither of us), but all of that combined made it easy for me to justify the fact that our sex life fell off a cliff.
After our son was born, the sex really was just almost non existent. The foreplay (at least for me) was gone, the long make out sessions cut to short kisses, no tongue. The enthusiast sex became missionary duty sex when she would feel bad that she had rejected me so many times in a row. Again, I blamed it on becoming parents, being incredibly tired, longevity of our relationship and stress, never that my wife might be a lesbian.
Then I tried everything. I looked into sexual desire mismatch within relationships, the love languages, I tried taking things off her plate (to the tune of just about everything around the house for years), I found online sex coaches and followed and tried to talk to her about our sex life. She told me that she just didn't have desire to have sex anymore. She still loved me, but the physicality was not something she was desiring during that "season of life". So it was few and far between for years.
Around the time our son was 3-4 she decided she wanted to get back into doing theatre, something she had done a lot prior to us dating but had not been able to do much since. After the show wrapped, she admitted to me that she was having these feral feelings for a woman in the cast. She said they weren't even flirting or anything but that she was very into her and hadn't felt that into a woman before. It was around this time she determined that she was bisexual. Again, this should have been a sign for me. I always considered her to be bisexual. I knew about the past same sex relationships when she was younger. So when she had this "revelation" that should have probably been a big sign for me. But she said she was happy with me, and that it as just something she had to share with me to be completely honest.
Around this time, I was beginning to build my business plan for the business I was opening. The business was going to require us to take out a HELOC on our marital home and drain our retirement accounts etc. So I sat her down to discuss this, and our marriage (which was in a rocky spot with the lack of sexual connection), and confirm we were still on the same page. She confirmed that she loved our life together, that being bisexual didn't change that and she wasn't going anywhere. So I spent the next 2 years building our business that we now run together. All of our money, some money from our families, and our home all leveraged, we finally get our business open. 3 weeks into having our doors open, I come home late from closing up and she's already in bed, but clearly having a panic attack (something we both have struggled with over the years). I lay down to comfort her and ask what it is. She doesn't say it right away. I knew it was bad right then. Then she whispered "I'm a lesbian, I'm gay. I'm not bisexual" and started crying.
I was so shocked I don't even know what I said. I held her, I told her it was okay. I told her we'd figure it out together. I held her until she slept and then I laid there staring at the ceiling. Beginning the spiral that I am still in today.
Many hours of painful conversations later, I'm here, looking for support from people who actually get what I'm going through. None of my friends understand really. Some are checking in on me, others haven't said a word. Her and I are in a really good place luckily. A much better place than many of the stories I've heard so far. So for that I feel very fortunate. We are working on separating bedrooms and continuing to figure out what our life looks like moving forward. We want to figure out how to remain friends, great coparents, and eventually be in a place where we each have a partner who can give us what we need that is okay with us being some kind of big family, despite my future ex-wife and I having split.
Today I'm struggling with my triggers for sure. I get triggered seeing people in love right now. I get triggered when people make comments about how great her and I are together and how lucky I am to have her. Hearing her sing (she has a beautiful voice) especially when every song is either about love or heartbreak.
I think I've found the most relief I've had since disclosure once I found the OurVoices podcast and learned that there is a community of people who actually understand what I'm going through. Hearing some of these stories are so validating for me. I know now how all of these things that I questioned for years are normal. I heard these stories of folks who had such a similar experience to me. People that questioned everything about themselves that I did. I went through it all, was it because I gained too much weight? Was it because I wasn't providing enough? Was it because I didn't do enough at home? All to find it that there was literally nothing I could have done to fix this. It doesn't make the pain go away but it definitely makes it easier to know that as someone who's still in the thick of it, it sounds like many of you were able to find happiness again. That when you find a heterosexual partner who actually desires you, that it can be so eye opening and relieving. Hearing these stories are really helping me cope with the pain that I'm feeling now. So thank you to everyone who has shared on the podcast and on here. Your stories are truly saving me right now. They're showing me that there is hope beyond this despair.
That's what I got for now. Thanks for reading.
- brokencatholicgirl
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
Hi abc, I am sorry you find yourself here, but I hope you find it helpful. Your story is very different from mine with the honesty you've had the whole time, but I know that doesn't make this phase any easier for you. It hurts terribly to go through the loss of so many parts of your life like this so suddenly. It can be really disorienting. Reach out to friends and family as much as possible. Don't be afraid to receive their love and support. They might not know what to say when you tell them, but they will be happy that a better more fulfilling future lies ahead of you, because they care about you. Getting a therapist will likely help some too. It helps to get your feelings out. It's a lot of grief but you will get through and make meaning of things eventually. It won't go away completely, but it does get better! When I was going through those initial dark days I found humor a very useful tool, although it did feel ill placed at times. I used to watch youtubes of comedians with some releif afterwards (though I couldn't watch the gay ones and still find that triggering some). Take care and best of luck with your journey!
I learned from experience that joy does not reside in the things about us, but in the very depths of the soul, that one can have it in the gloom of a dungeon as well as in the palace of a king.
-St. Therese of Liseux
- gracefulwife
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
I hear you. Loud and clear. But there is one thing that I have learnt in recent weeks is that... As the remaining Christian in my marriage with my husband recently coming out to me as Bi. (And a rather angry confession it was,. we were both hot headed when I was demanding he come clean and stop lying. I knew he was keeping stuff from me) ....But the Lord has shown me how I can remain in this marriage and be a compassionate, loving unconditionally without judgmental wife full of Gods grace....(hence the gracefulwife alias. (it is also a YGO TCG ref, to the card Graceful Charity too.... Something he and I first met over.) .....I love him no matter what. But he also knows this that as he has deconstructed his faith in order to be more authentic in his life.... I am NOT to divorce him. He must be the one to do it... The only instance I am free to divorce is if he cheated on me or was being severely abusive. Which he hasn't! If he be happy to dwell with me in the marriage then I am at liberty to remain also. God hates divorce, so he will do everything in his power to prevent it. And while it has been hard the past 11 months or so and countless hours praying and bible study as well as sensing evil knocking at our door creating an unbearable atmosphere in our home that I have had to physically tell Satan to 'GET OUT" of our home and our lives. That there is no place and he is not welcome. And ever sense then there hasn't been any of that darkness looming over us. Believe me I know spiritual warfare. My husband didn't sense anything and he wouldn't as his mind has been so clouded lately that it was easier for him to denounce his relationship with Christ.
And I do know this..... that my faith protects this house and family. He is sanctified through me continued faith.
See, he just doesn't see the power of God. He told me how he prayed for years for God to take away his bisexual identity.
But here is what I have tried to tell him but was able to tell our marriage counsellor and my trauma therapist.
God did not see the need to answer his prayer.... (I also was blindsided for many many years through our entire marriage and knowing each other)
That by our covenant in marriage, his identity is safe by the conditions of marriage. Monogamy and fidelity.
God had bought us together for he saw my husband in every single way... even his future. There is no need to remove anyone's identity. I have a bisexual identity, He thinks I don't understand at all.... But I do. I have been on this walk before I meet him and I placed everything onto God. I no longer think or dwell on it anymore. I still retain that part of me as part of my identity... to go along with being a mother and a wife. As we all have multiple parts to our identity... My husband seems to be obsessed with just that one part of himself.
He isn't seeing the greater picture here and thinks God has abandoned him... which isn't true in the slightest.
So I do know.... I do understand... I was there!!!! 100%
I went through my own wilderness walk and my own confusion. I was even in love with a girl. And some girls I just found to be so beautiful and kind that I wanted to be more than friends.
And God saw that in me. And he changed me into a n individual complete with all my identity....I was saved by the Grace of God.
And this is why I have compassion. My counsellor asked how I felt about him telling me about his bisexuality.... I wasn't upset or insecure over that.
No, it was all the lies and betrayal, emotional and psychological whiplash he projected onto me.
I couldn't understand how he could lie to me so easily and keep stuff from me.
And for this reason I had to put on the breaks and created the boundary of which we BOTH must follow and he agreed upon it.
"While we are married, we are to be monogamous. No cheating, No attempting to cheat. With either sex."
He agreed to that boundary. and to be honest that was the only boundary I set on him. Even when he said he fantasizes about a 3some. I shut it down right away because that is still cheating.
I have tried to have this conversation with him about the dangers of this sexual behavior inside the marriage. But he doesn't seem to want to listen. Like he doesn't even want to think about disease and infections... if he was to go out and pursue a male then some time later come back to me sexually and pass it on to me. No, he doesn't even register it. Which is why I had to enforce that rule. To protect ourselves.
And it keeps him accountable.
He agreed to it.
But this brings me back to his unanswered prayer to God.
God was silent because he needed to see that there was nothing to be done about our marriage in the sense of our identities. We were bought together under the blessing of God and God has 100% answered us there. But I am the only one who sees it.
Jesus was tempted as the bible states. Temptation is NOT A SIN!
The act IS THE SIN!
No different if I was to break the commandments and go out and steal and unalive people..... That in itself is an identity... And sin is sin. With only one unforgivable sin and that is the denial of the Holy Spirit.
And yet.... He doesn't even register what I have said and tried to say because he shuts down almost immediately and I can't get a point in.
So I have given up and I have given him over to God to do with as seen fit.
Adding to all of this.. Not only was he going through an identity crisis but also has regressed backwards to being mentally a late teen early 20s thinking. He wants the teenager years that he never got.
And believe me there have been times when has acted like a petulant child and I have called him out on it but I am ignored and often or not.... He has treated me like I am his mother.
I have had to put the breaks on all that as well.
He has to see this himself. So I refuse to mother him. Am am on my own and that's ok. If we end up never ever having sex again then so be it. I'll' just deal with my own needs in other ways that involves only myself and nothing else.
And I know he has had to rely on his own hand to sort himself out when needed.
Unfortunately... I am dealing with the perfect storm of DEPRESSION& ANXIETY, MIDLIFE CRISIS, IDENTITY CRISIS and AGE REGRESSION!
ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Even my therapist said that this is while not common to have all these at the same time.. She is amazed at how we are still together regardless. And when I talk about lies and betrayal.... it's because he has done stupid angry decision making like how he SOLD his wedding ring and lied about it for months on end. How he was keeping his planning for a divorce from me as well. How he was leading me on, gaslighting and emotional and sexual cohesion. That last one I wasn't convinced that it was that but the counsellor and therapist both said the same thing which only confirmed it for me. I just didn't want to even think that it was true.
But lately.... we have been more accommodating towards one another and at this point in time I am withholding myself emotionally and sexually from him. And i think he feels the same. Until our marriage counselling brings everything to light.... I just haven't been about to forget all he has done to me.
Yeah we suck at communication at times, however...... He has damaged me in ways that it has reignited all my past trauma and now I have to redo the last 3 years of trauma therapy to get everything back to being reprocessed and out of sight out of mind.
When I did try and tell him how I had understanding and told him about how I handed my bisexuality ....truth is... I didn't handle it very well... But my only way to escape was to allow that dark side of me to run with it. I called it my Light and Dark. The light side of me was always what people saw the most of..... My dark side..... well ....."HE" ....was the manager of all that. Everything that felt dangerous and taboo. "HE" was my exile... My Identity...the firefighters!
For many many years unbeknownst to my family for they never suspected a thing as I never told them. My dark side was responsible for it all.
But then over time.... "HE" just gradually floated to the very back of my mind till I was no longer in need of him ever again.
But I know he is there; Still holding to my identity. And that's ok. He can hide and hold. Because that brings comfort. And I am free to live my life as authentically as I want.
As a reborn child of God. I have laid it all on to him. Praise God for his loving kindness to me and the ability to choose to forget.
But here is the kicker in my husbands case....
If you are reborn again, believer and baptized by spirit as well as by water and claimed the Love of the Lord was in him..... only to suddenly say that the church jaded him which is why he deconstructed his faith, but then admits that he should have been more communicative towards the church on what he wanted and needed to do... then why is he making his identity such a big problem? With me.... It was simple. Put everything onto God. And I am free from all the years of pent up panic and anxiety over how I viewed my sexuality. And yet.... He is struggling with the raging war inside of him.
He said that he wasn't afraid to tell his parents.... and yet.... He flipped it a day later saying he is deeply scared. My parents know about me. After I laid it onto God and after I had my trauma therapy I told them and nothing bad happened.
So yeah.... All of this has caused so much to happen to me since last October that I am now dealing with the fallout and collateral damage he has caused me. And because I have had two trained professionals hear me out.... Both agree that what I am dealing with is one of the most severe cases they have had to deal with.
When I was going through my own stuff... I wasn't dealing with it all at once. It was coming onto me in waves. Took about 10 to 12 years.... But I was getting loads of support as well. Where as my husband I had to physically make him get a mental heath care plan done... and he knew it. As soon as I said that he needed to get professional help his eyes opened just that little bit to the realization..... especially when he started to say that he didn't know who he was anymore....
I also had to express about how he thinks that this current version of him is authentic.... I said to my therapist and counsellor.... that how can someone who thrives on negativity and projection and emotional/mental and there was even a bit of financial abuse in there also.... and adding in the sexual withholding and being completely closed off and saying stuff like "get your own supports, I'm not going to support you" But also saying them in a way that was extremely hurtful and making it sound like he withholds from me forever.... I told my counsellor and therapist that I suspect he still wants to divorce if he doesn't get his own way and his teenager experiences met...
I've had to put my guards up and protect myself.
- abc506
- New member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
Thank you both for your replies. I know I'm very fortunate that disclosure / me finding out did not go as poorly as it could have. I hope you both found some peace and happiness. The more of these podcasts and stories I hear the more confident I am in my recovery from this.
I've been talking with/ trying to get to know women outside of my marriage in some social situations in the last week or so for the first time in almost 15 years. I know that this is still very soon for me, but I figure I need the practice anyway. Something I plan to talk to my therapist about is that every woman I've talked to, it's like I've been hyper vigilant looking for any clues that they might be a lesbian. I think that learning to really fully trust a woman is going to be a long journey for me. I built my entire life around this person and the future we had planned and to have that all ripped away so suddenly is definitely going to put my guard up too.
- •
Thread Starter- gracefulwife
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
As a Christian woman I wont be looking outside of marriage. That is my solemn vowel.. And considering how every one I have had in the past and have got now seems to just go pear shaped.... I probably wont.... even if death parted us. I am more than ready for Christs coming and leaving this earth far behind. I understand not everyone will understand or follow me.... and thats ok. But this whole season has bought me the closest I have ever been to God. And I do have my days where I am emotionally and spiritually exhausted cause of what has happened to me.
- brokencatholicgirl
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
Its been over a year since I started to discover the truth of my situation. I managed to get divorced, well it will be final soon. But I can't even trust that my friends husbands are straight anymore let alone talk to men and trust that they are really who they present themselves to be. I think that would take quite a bit of time for me. Your instincts are right to not rush it. You won't heal that part for quite some time. There are all sorts of possibilities for a beautiful in between time that can be much healthier for you, rather than succumbing to the pull of rushing into a premature relationship. I hope you find your new possibilities at the right times and I'm glad you have a therapist to help you with this. It's hard to navigate on your own.
I learned from experience that joy does not reside in the things about us, but in the very depths of the soul, that one can have it in the gloom of a dungeon as well as in the palace of a king.
-St. Therese of Liseux
- gracefulwife
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
I have to say though... there is only one man on this earth about the same age as my husband that I WOULD trust and he was my highschool sweetheart. However he is married....rather unhappily to an extent as his wife refuses to allow them both to have children and she spends up money like it's growing on trees.
I'm am not infaturated with him, that would be seriously hyprocritical of me and would make me even worse. But I do value this mans friendship. I feel like I can tell him everything and he can as well. But that is all it will be. And that is the way it will stay... unless suddenly both out spouses passed on at the same time or something... I do feel like he could be my go to. But I would have to heal alot and even then I don't think I could go back to having relationships again, even though the bible says I would be free to. My therapist inquired about the spiritual departure of my husband.... and why I wouldnt be able to remarry. I said to her that I believe that there is still God in my husbands heart.... If I was to remarry after a divorce I will be guilty of adultery because there is still that part of him that is open to God. It isn't as simple as him just saying he isn't a believer. I believe that side of him is still there. So yes... it would require the physical passing of my spouse to be free from bondage.
- abc506
- New member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
I grew up Catholic but do not practice any sort of religion any longer. I’m sorry you both feel so constrained by your religion. It’s my opinion that you have every right in the world to divorce and find someone heterosexual who will fulfill you. Regardless of what a book or a pastor might say. We have some very religious folks in our family and I had to shut them down on their overbearing and preachy reactions to this news. Mostly on my future ex wife’s side. My family is very supportive luckily.
My wife’s family is more religious and they took the news as a negotiation it seemed. “Well you should stay together til *your son* is 18.” Basically telling us we were selfish for not staying married forever for the sake of him. They also kept saying “she just drops this news on us and we have to just accept it”. Yes guys, that is how news works… this wasn’t something that you get a say on. You either accept that this is what we’re going through and love and support us, or don’t.
I feel exactly the same way about the church. If you can’t support what I’m going through in real life and you’re going to judge and not support me, I have no use for you. If God is truly there and loves us all then there is no way that our interpretation of the bible holds true in 2026. A book written thousands of years ago has no idea the complexity of homosexuality and the effects on families and straight spouses. If god is there and wants me to stay married to a lesbian because of some arbitrary rule written in a book thousands of years ago then I guess I’ll just fry in hell with vast majority of society.
I clearly have some issues with religion from the past and now present, so I don’t mean in any way to disparage anyone else’s beliefs.
- •
Thread Starter- freedmyself
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
Hi abc,
If you're only two months post-disclosure, that is very very fresh. The straight spouse experience hurts like hell - and yet we make it through.
I'm glad to hear you have people checking on you. When my GXH came out, I was very open with my friends and family, and was moved at the amount of love I got back. I was also surprised at how many people knew someone who was a straight spouse! For such a bizarre experience, it's amazing how many of us there are. Also interesting is that our details are unique, but there are certain common threads that run through most of our stories.
You are correct that there is literally nothing you could have done to fix or prevent this. Nothing. I think it's pretty normal to try to figure out what happened after such a curveball, and ultimately there are no answers. Once my GXH came out and I could see him as a gay man, I could look back at all sorts of little signs. Those signs were impossible to see until I knew he was gay.
I thought I would remain friends with the GXH, and that has not turned out to be the case. Turns out that often what our newly-out spouse tells us about their past experiences is just the tip of the iceberg. There are things I didn't know at first that I could only see with time and distance. Those things - lying, cheating, gaslighting - make it impossible for us to be actual friends. We have adult kids, and can be friendly with each other during family events, but he has broken my trust too much for me to consider him a friend.
I was not expecting how quickly he would launch into his gay life after coming out and not care about the trauma he'd caused me. Most gay / lesbian spouses have been living with their secret for quite some time, so when they come out to us, it is a relief to them. They get to start really living, while we are left behind with the devastation.
I would caution you against leaning on your wife for emotional support, as conventional wisdom would say that it is not reliably steady. If therapy is within your means, I highly recommend it. My therapist was / is a tremendous source of clarity and support as I navigate the turmoil.
Last edited by freedmyself (September 20, 2026 1:03 pm)
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: 2 Months Out from Disclosure - Looking for people who get it
hi abc, just want to add my sympathies - you are in a tough position with your business marriage and family home all balanced together.
I agree with Freed - not wise to look to your wife for emotional support - my suggestion is to take a step back get a bit dispassionate for a moment and just watch her talking to you. When I did that with my ex, that was when I realised he was being manipulative with me.
Last edited by lily (September 20, 2026 3:22 pm)