It's no exaggeration to say these past few months have been the most tumultuous of my life. It began in January of 2025, where my wife discovered my unwanted sexual behavior with pornography. I disclosed my behavior with her when we were dating in 2013, but she wanted to be with me. I tried to break my behavior, but I wasn't able to on my own, no matter how much I tried, and so I kept my secret out of shame. We got married ten years ago and have two little ones, and once I was confronted with my behavior, I decided I needed help, and we both began individual therapy.

In that time since her D-Day, I've learned so much about childhood trauma and neglect in my own life, and she's done the same in working through her trauma. After a period of abstinence, we became sexually active with each other, and in that period and even now, we've been much better at communication and have grown closer emotionally. But in July 2025, we started another season of abstinence as previously unknown childhood trauma surfaced for her. Shortly before that, she disclosed to me that she believed she was bisexual, which at the time I believed was a result of her trauma, given what she was able to share with me at the time, but some capacity for same-sex attraction remained while her own desire for sex ground to a halt.

In the time between then and now, we have not engaged in any sexual activity, and last week she told me she believes she has a preference for women, however she doesn't know yet if the lack of attraction towards men (or even her attraction towards women) stems from her trauma. It's at this point (and why I'm here) where I feel like it's very, very hard to hold on to hope.

I've been putting so much work to better understand myself and resolving my own childhood wounds, working on expressing my emotions and needs and wants, being supportive in her trauma recovery, and I've been having to ask the question if I can keep going as things are, since it's been so physically and emotionally draining, especially since neither of us have any support outside of therapy.

I know it's not a very common experience for straight spouses, but at least for me (and for her) there was practically no way of knowing she wasn't straight. The wounds she received from her abusers (which are, quite frankly, too horrific to go into any detail) had her body severely repress her sexuality. We are both each other's first and only sexual partners. We grew up in church and met in choir, and we grew up in the culture that was not in support of same-sex attraction, so anything that she did feel (a crush towards female friends, for example) was something chalked up to "sinful nature", rather than perhaps something really important that her body was trying to tell her.

I recognize how my own actions and behavior have harmed her, and I regret them, and I've put more work into myself than at any other point in time, so that I can better understand who I am and be a better husband, father, and example. I also recognize that, if she in fact doesn't have attraction to men, there's nothing I can do for her, and I can't meet her needs.

Practically every night since discovery of my secret behavior have we talked, sharing what we've learned about recovery work and how the body keeps the score of trauma, share about each other's wounds and how the body must cope with unresolved trauma, and have deep, meaningful conversation. We're on the same page with how we help our little ones in growing up and care for them both deeply. There's so much about our marriage that we both like, and she's said multiple times that she does have feelings for me but just doesn't know if she has that desire yet, and it won't be known for certain until she gets to some point in her processing her trauma to access that part of her.

I hope that, deep beneath the festering wounds she's working so hard on healing, her desire is there. I hope that I can keep on hoping.