I am a Christian woman. My husband and I met 13 years ago as believers coming into the faith, he came down from Cairns to Adelaide and his words were to me "I'm here to find a wife" Well he found one. By Gods grace we married (maybe a bit soon as the church pressured us, which he admitted to I kinda of thought back then it was meant to be) We suffered one miscarriage and then a few years later fell pregnant and had our first child. She is now going on 10. 6 years later we fell pregnant again and had our son who is going on 4.  All was well beside me starting to have health issues naturally for a 40 year old (I'm currently 42) I had no idea that he was going through a crisis like this. the blow out started when I questioned his choice in music and he retaliated and I retaliated back and slammed the door in his face and said "i rebuke you". I messaged him saying "is it some much to ask if you still love me, if you love the Lord?" To which he replied with "I did once, my heart died long ago." I was guessing it was to both of those questions. 

FFWD a few months and the intimacy returned. the romance returned. his coldness and his stonewalling as well as emotional manipulation was coming in waves. I tried my hardest to give him everything he wanted. Essentially he was giving me the signals and permission that intimacy was still on the table. Until recently. When I got sick and after recuperating there was some words between us and he turned very volatile and stonewalled. 

Please understand that before all this started I thought that he was still a believer in Christ. Not once did I sense that he wasn't a believer any longer and the questioning of his music choice was not intentional to insult him. He just saw it like that. In my mind I was concerned for his spiritual welfare that I had no clue about as he worked every sunday so hadn't attended church in some time. In my world, I was genuinely worried what was going on. So much confusion as to what happened all the sudden.

I feel ashamed that my actions have caused the rift between us to grow bigger cause I couldn't control my emotions. He warned me when he stated that he couldn't carry me and did not expect me to carry him either. But then I was sent all those mixed signals about romance and intimacy. 

After so much confusion he admitted to me that he might be Bisexual. To which I vomited. Not so much the realisation but months of emotional whiplash and love bombing as a friend of mine came to call it. I need to know that I'm not the crazy one. I felt used and abused by it all. I felt like i was used as his own persona experiment to figure out if he was still into women. But I still feel like he doesnt grasp the heaviness of what he did to me. Yes I am not the perfect one here I hurt him too and he made that quite clear that what I did about the music choice was his last straw. But non of this was communicated to me in any way shape or form. He was keeping so much from me, Everything from angry purchases to the selling of his wedding ring and lying about it for months on end. I searched the house for it. He said he knew where it was.... but i forced him to admit he sold it out of anger thinking that the marriage was over. I then asked if there any more secrets. That's when he told me about the bisexual conflict in him. 

However, I fear that this may never recover. The marriage still stands as just a legal document at the moment, till he says otherwise. I have to guard my heart. And I don't want my lived experience to be down played as me over reacting and being the bad guy of it all. 

I cannot take accountability for his confusion and projecting that onto me. 

Now he is closed off from me romantically and intimately. This is but a co-parenting partnership that needs the friendship repaired first. 

I hope I am wrong and that he doesn't end the marriage.... but as the Christian partner I am to allow him to leave if that is what he truly wants to do. I will not initiate the end of the marriage to remain blameless and innocent party in all this.  Yes I value him. But i have to steal myself away to that eventual prospect. right now we must keep the dynamic of the family going for the sake of the children And for the roof over their heads. 

Maybe if there were no children or property involved it would have been alot easier. But as he is a non believer or believes no longer, Or did he ever? I don't know the answer to that one. 

But I do hope for a positive outcome. The children need stability no matter what. 

Besides..... I'm 42. getting pregnant now is absolutely not an option. 

So maybe the celebracy is a blessing in disguise. 

Like Leonads mother in "The Big Bang Theory" - I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982

(where as in my case I find it hard to orgasm even when he was intimate with me. He didn't satisfy me somehow.... But i was so blinded by it the fact that he touched me for the first time in since I was last pregnant and even in that time he was struggling with me in that way.