Princessj1 wrote:

My boyfriend of two years whom I very much do want to stay with has come out as bi.   Initially I found about an interaction between him and men which he claimed was purely just that and nothing else.   He has had others as well.   I have struggled very much over the last year since finding this pits.  He claims he only wants a relationship with me , a female.  That these interactions mean nothing.  This is hard for me to grasp.   I am the only person in his life that knows this about him.   He has had a troubled life and bad divorce … he feels like this is a part of him that he wishes to at least act on from time to time . The latest is development is that he would like to be able to have occasional )once monthly) interactions with men.  That he will notify me when this happens a
nd we have clear boundaries set.  I have told him I’m ok with it but I struggle every day because I do not want to lose him. 
I am hopeful he will keep his word and be honest and let me know when it happens… so far I do not know of any interaction since we made this agreement.   He is on meds and will use protection as well.   
Since all this came to light I will say he has come out of his shell.. his walls our down and we are stronger in some ways.  He sees us in a long term relationship.  We live together… and I have my kids part time as well and they all have a great relationship with him. 
I need some help in coping and would like to know if any of you are in a similar situation.  Thanks

 
Welcome to our Forum

I'll start by saying this MOM board was started, asked for to be a place for straightspouses who were more concerned with questions about their own place in a marriage/r'ship that had been turned upside down by a non-straight partner. It wasn't meant to be a board for couples who were "making it work" but for deeply distressed and concerned men and women who needed to talk about their concerns.

However the board, which was wrongly given, in my opinion, the title MOM, attracted people who were happy to support their same-sex attracted partner so you will get very differing advice here.

I have been where you are. I first discovered my partner was bi 20 years into our r'ship. I was in love, codependent, we had a very traditional life with a close intimate bond. I believed we were untouchable. We met other couples for sex. At first I was fooled into the sexy glamour of adventure that I thought was for us but when the shine wore off and I saw the separation between how I wanted MY life to be and how he wanted HIS life to be ....they weren't the same.
Initially he said "occasionally" to me (every 6 weeks he said) But just because he only wanted to *see somebody every 6 weeks didn't mean there weren't other things he did that totally shut me out, or were suggested I do that only enhanced his sexual enjoyment. Like anal play (fucking gross), or asking me to dress like a slut with words drawn in lipstick on my body. Spending ages on his laptop reading erotica, totally oblivious to me, and getting angry when I interrupted,..actually throwing his laptop across the room. Stupid man. He said to me once "I'm 50 years old, I'll do what I want".  In the end I felt demeaned, like I was a bit player in his fantasy.....all the while living a great life, appearing like your average, well-off hetero couple.

It's very easy for some men to totally separate the person everybody thinks they are from the person they secretly hide from the world. The straightspouse is often collateral damage. It's all in how strong you are in how you want to live your life. There is no one rule for all. Some of the members here have made it work by accepting, almost championing their other half's same-sex attraction.
I'm sure a couple of them will comment.

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 28, 2026 2:48 pm)

Princessj1 wrote:

Thanks for the response… shall I post in another forum

 
Well you initially said you wanted very much to stay with him so I wasn't sure where your mindset was but sometimes getting viewpoints from both sides of the 'my partner is bi' divide can be helpful in getting advice and info to help you in your decisions.

You're looking for support through an experience that doesn't happen to most. The Support Board here is another good place to ask questions.

E

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 28, 2026 6:37 pm)

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I would like to address these words in your title " semi-open relationship"....there is no such thing as a semi-open r'ship. You're either in an open r'ship or you're not. Your bf has used the words semi....it was him that used the words yes?....the word semi makes it sound like it's not going to have that much affect on your life but believe me it does.

Of course every situation has its pros and cons. Your bf's pros are that he gets your okay to have sex with another man. Your pro, and I can see only one, is that you get to 'not lose' him, meanwhile never really knowing where you stand in the r'ship or trusting you're getting the full truth.

It's not coping skills you need. It's self reflection on how you see your life and how much respect you will end up having for yourself in the decisions you make.

I wish, with hindsight of course, I'd had a crystal ball and knew that agreeing to open it would be the beginning of the end of my 38yr bond with the man who for all intents and purposes was kinda perfect for me except that he had a same-sex attraction that he couldn't deny.

E



 

 I used semi because he’s the only one to be “open” I will not.  I guess I don’t need coping strategies… more so looking for people who may have been in a similar situation

Last edited by Princessj1 (Yesterday 2:24 pm)

Sam (Admin) wrote:

Princessj1 wrote:

 I used semi because he’s the only one to be “open” I will not. I guess I don’t need coping strategies… more so looking for people who may have been in a similar situation

When my late lesbian ex told me she wanted an open relationship, I asked "would it be open both ways?". She hesitated a bit, then said "Sure, but who'd want you". Turns out someone did. She was not happy. I was. 

If he want's an open (one way) relationship, he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. You deserve better.

 


I agree.. he did say he would be ok if I was with a woman

How about if you were with a man?  Would he be so willing to have an open relationship that way?  

You say you are feeling as if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, but instead of interpreting that as a rational response to the situation you are only too willing to take yourself to task as if this were a failing on your part.  But it's not a failing on your part, of trust or of anything else.  It is a rational response to the situation your partner has put you in.  If you open the relationship, you cannot be sure that he will stick to his proposed timing, or that he won't fall in love with one of his partners.  Those are simply real possibilities that you cannot predict, so of course it feells chancy to you.  That's because it is. 

When you say your partner is on meds, do you mean AIDs prevention meds?  If so, it seems to me he's done an awful lot of prior preparation before even proposing opening your relationship.   And that makes me wonder if he hasn't already opened the relationship without telling you, and is now seeking to legitimate what he's already done.  To me, it looks as if your partner is looking for a way to have sex with other men while appearing to the world as a hetero man.  Which would make you cover, or, in straight spouse parlance, a beard


He started the meds after the “proposal” to open it up.   He would not be ok with me being with a guy.   I hear all of what you are saying and believe me I have thought of all of that.  I guess I’m just trying to be optimistic that he sticks with the “agreement” .