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1 of 1- Snk770
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Religion, grieving, anger and needing support
Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing well. I’m happy that there is a support group for people who are going through this similar experience. I’m feeling a lot of anger at my religion and am wondering if I can find someone who can relate. For context, I am an ex wife of a gay man. I grew up as an Orthodox Jew and the practice was to keep boys and girls segregated until dating for marriage. Outside of my immediate family, I was not allowed to touch the opposite sex at all. No handshakes, high fives, hugs, nothing. I was promised that this would protect me and while I was sexually repressed, I looked forward to the day I would be married and would have the affection I so desperately craved. Then, I got married. My ex is gay. Affection felt forced and non-existent. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Time went on. Four years into our marriage, he told me that in his whole life, he had never been sexually attracted to women. I couldn’t understand because we have two kids together and we managed to be physically intimate. He said he may be bisexual. Later, I found him on gay dating apps on his phone. I was really hurt and I still am. I feel anger at my homophobic religion that made my ex feel it was okay to suppress his sexuality and that the right thing to do would be to marry a woman. He did not tell me about the fact he is gay before we married. I feel like I didn’t have a choice and that I was used. I just want to heal and be over it already but I’m struggling. Thank you for reading this!
- freedmyself
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Re: Religion, grieving, anger and needing support
Hi Snk770,
Welcome to the forum, and I'm so sorry you need to be here.
Makes total sense that you're still hurt and struggling. This is a massive betrayal by the person who was supposed to be your life partner and be considerate of your well-being. Easy to see how religions that promote traditional husband/wife relationships (not only yours) contribute to our ranks as straight spouses, since straight people don't have the opportunity of experience, and the closeted LGBT are terrified to be who they really are.
Worth noting, though, is while religion might be a contributing factor, there are situations like mine - no strict religious orientation and I still got the straight spouse experience. There are closeted people of all stripes who pretend to be straight and drag a spouse into their world of make-believe.
A regular divorce is traumatic enough. Part of what makes healing hard for us is that having a spouse come out as gay destroys our visions of the future but also calls into question what, if anything, from the marriage was actually real. When my GXH came out, one element of the hurricane of feelings was realizing that I'd been married to someone who was made up, not real at all.
Regardless of the religious backdrop, your GXH still ultimately bears responsibility for lying to you and dragging you into his closet so he could appear straight. I'm wondering if it's easier to be angry at your religion than angry at your ex. I'm also wondering if you feel as though your religion has harmed you in other ways in addition to the closeted gay husband.
It's very complicated, the straight spouse grief experience. Betrayal trauma takes some time to work through. Therapy has made all the difference for me & I highly recommend it. Also, I'm wondering if you have friends and family with whom you can discuss your feelings and experience. I'm guessing it might be harder to be open about this if your social circle is also the same religion, which would undoubtedly make a tough situation even tougher.
Last edited by freedmyself (July 27, 2026 7:19 pm)