Thank you. The hardest part is knowing she’s still going out and cheating on me. My therapist says I have to come to terms with it but it’s still so hard. It kills me inside whenever I know she’s out there, she thinks she’s sneaky but it’s pretty obvious. Today I’m trying to not look at where her car is at for a little win but it’s heart wrenching because I know nothing else makes sense as to why she’s gone this long without explanation. Why is this so hard to get over?  Does the hurt ever go away?

Notdefeated

I lived with my cheating GX for 2.5 years during the divorce..she had no money to leave and I certainly wasn't.   I refer to it as my years of hell on earth.

Do you have a safe place in the house to sleep?  I basically slept in the basement and continued paying all bills while she went out with her girlfriend every night.   I went from shaking with trauma when she went out to please go out.. 
While there is no set time frame I urge you to build a support system for yourself...lawyer, therapist, psychiatrist, pastor. 

It goes to show a home is made of the people that are in it and not the walls and structure. 


Wishing stoic resolve and fierce courage on your journey.

After my GXH came out, he stayed in the house for a few months while he figured out his next arrangement, going back and forth between my house and his boyfriend's house.  Amid the swirl of emotions when he told me was actually relief - he had been extremely difficult to live with the previous few years, and I recognized the strange gift of having an ironclad reason for a divorce. 

Him staying in the house was part of my adjustment to my new reality.  Part of what made it ok is that I did not, at first, understand the full extent of his lying and cheating.  Another part of it was that I had a chance to see what his Out self was like, and truly wrap my head around the fact that I'd been married to someone who had been pretending for decades to be someone he wasn't.  It was good for me to see him regress into his second adolescence and understand just how unsuitable he was as a spouse, and awful as a person. 

I think the reason your wife acts like nothing is wrong is because she's out there living her best gay life.  Now that you know she's a lesbian, the stress of that secret is off of her (and onto you). 

Stand your ground in the house.  She's the one who's cheating - she's the one who should be sleeping on the couch, especially since she's the one going out.  I know that's easy for me to type and hard for you to do; I'm saying it in case you need to hear that you're entitled to put yourself first.  You're the family anchor now, and if you start to feel like you're a single dad,  that's normal, unfortunately. 

I imagine your daughters' therapist would advocate for your wife to move out for the sake of your kids. 
Regardless of their ages, it's confusing for them to see her acting like nothing is wrong - and I bet it's extra weird for the child whose softball coach is now her partner!

Your lawyer might have some ideas for how to get her out of the house. Also,  hopefully you have your own therapist.  That support was really crucial for me (it still is), and I highly recommend individual therapy. 

This is an awful experience, and you're in good company here.  You can get through this.   

Last edited by freedmyself (July 20, 2026 2:38 pm)

Thank you all for the advice. It is all really helpful and I greatly appreciate it. I have been pretty good with sleeping separately, in the beginning I gave in but after she let me cuddle her but then not really reciprocate it messed with my emotions too much, and after trying to kiss her one night and getting rejected I said never again.
The tough part I’m dealing with today is last night her sister told her what her whole family is feeling, and whatever it was it pissed her off really bad, and she didn’t come home until late. But this morning before leaving for work, I went in to where she was sleeping and talked to her for a bit, and it breaks my heart to see her doing this to herself. That’s the part I struggle with the most, is the extreme emotional swings from anger to pity to sadness. And when I feel pity I feel like I’m giving her just enough to keep me on the hook, setting me up for more emotional abuse.

Last edited by Crushedbutnotdefeated (July 20, 2026 9:13 pm)