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1 of 1- SShere
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What should I do
Recently heard my husband talking on the phone with one of his male friends, He was being very specific about a sexual encounter he had taken part in with two other men. I listened for a while thinking he must be telling a joke. Then the conversation turned to encounters that he had with the friend he was speaking to. When I interrupted his conversation to ask what was going on he tried to tell me they were just goofing around. It was very explicit. I can't believe two straight men would talk to each other in that way. Has anyone ever had that experience?
- Blue Bear
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Re: What should I do
Straight dude here. Straight guys do not talk to one another this way, and we do not "goof around" with chatting like that.
I would assume your husband was speaking truthfully with his male friend. So you have to conclude (a) he's not straight and (b) he's not faithful. If you confront him, expect more denial from him, just like you've already experienced.
Sorry you are dealing with this.
- freedmyself
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Re: What should I do
What a shock that must be to overhear your husband having that conversation!
Since your post is titled "What should I do", I'm going to jump in with some suggestions.
Trust your instincts. Most of us here were gaslit by our closeted spouse, even after we had actual evidence that they were gay.
You have the right to know the truth about his sexuality. You are his intimate partner, and he should have let you know from the beginning of your relationship that he is sexually attracted to men. As you start to ask him questions, it's possible that he will try to shut you down, refuse to answer, or deflect by finding something wrong with you. You have the right to ask, and you have the right to a truthful answer, even though the chances of getting one may be small.
What we find out about our partners is typically the tip of the iceberg, whether it's what we discover on our own (like you did) or what our partners tell us directly. It's only a teensy piece of the full picture.
Sometimes the gay partner promises to stop what they've been doing. It's difficult to take seriously a promise from someone who's been cheating/lying to you all along.
Sometimes the gay partner wants to stay married. This is very convenient for them. Up until now, they've had the benefits of a straight-appearing marriage along with their secret gay life behind your back. This interest in staying married is about their needs, not yours.
Find a good individual therapist for yourself. Not couples therapy. This experience is a Mindfuck, and in the beginning it feels like the ground is constantly shifting under your feet. You really, really, really need support. If it's hard to find someone in your area, I highly suggest sessions with Karen Bieman at notmycloset.com. She's an Australian therapist who offers coaching for people outside Australia. This is the sole focus of her practice, and she herself is a straight spouse.
Find a close friend or family member in whom you can confide.
This is a rough road. Everyone here is in different stages of the journey, yet the experience is surprisingly consistent in how it unfolds.
Hang in there!
Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: What should I do
I will add one more suggestion to freedmyself's excellent advice. Your husband is having sex with multiple men, so please make an appointment with your doctor to have yourself tested for STIs.
- lily
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Re: What should I do
Just been reading your other post - gosh that's tough, discovering the truth of the person you married when you are in your 70's - I was in my 50's so a lot easier to contemplate a fresh start.
I spent the first three weeks after discovery taking very long showers. Then I curled up on my bed for a while!
It's a while ago now but still very glad I got divorced - it was my lawyer who introduced me to the term emotionally abusive and she was right, it was instantly better once away from him.
Do what's right for you. wishing you all the best, Lily