OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- duped86
- New member
Offline
Husband Hid HRT
My husband of 12 years has been questioning his gender identity for several years now. However, he has always reassured me that he did not think he was transgender. He has also had clinicians tell him he does not have gender dysphoria. He was in therapy for PTSD when he started taking a testosterone blocker. He told me it was to tamp down his aggression from the PTSD. I was stupid and believed him. When I googled the name of his medicine, it said it was used for transitioning people and I asked him if that's what he was doing, and again he said no. Fast forward a year or more, he is developing breasts but told me it was an unwanted side effect of the blocker. I questioned why he couldn't get on a different medication for his PTSD symptoms, and he told me some lie. On Friday, some family members I was sharing photos with asked me if J, which I will use for my husband's name, was okay. I said yes why and they said, he looks really different. Then they asked if he was taking estrogen. My heart sank and I immediately called him and asked, and he was finally honest and said yes he was. At first he tried to say it was for the PTSD again and I told him I no longer believed that. He then said he wasn't trying to transition, but that it helped him "feel better". I have been avoiding looking at his chest, because he was sensitive about it, but looking now, the breast growth is substantial. He will not admit openly to me that he is transitioning and claims he doesn't know if that's what he wants; he wants to stay married, but I am beyond uncomfortable. He threw out the hormones and said we would come up with a plan, including trying to get a diagnosis of gender dysphoria (he has an appointment with his psychiatrist). We also made an appointment with a gender identity therapist and are sitting down Friday with him to see what my husband's actual situation is. Meanwhile, I am devastated. In my heart I feel it has to be over; I can't accept a transgender spouse. I told him we could be friends but in my heart I just feel like it's wrong and what he's doing to our family wrong. Selfishly, I want him to just forget about it and go back to the way he was. I am mad, I am hurt, I am mourning our marriage, and I can't even think about how to tell our 12 year old son without bursting into tears. I'm so lost and I'm so sad and I don't know I'll survive this. I have been divorced before, so I know that time heals, but J and I are so much closer than my ex and I were. We truly love one another and I can't help feeling like he's choosing this lifestyle over me. He's gone 43 years, why stop now? I honestly just needed to vent, as we are not telling anyone we know about this yet, but if anyone would like to offer any advice or support, it is welcome. Thank you all.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband Hid HRT
Duped86,
Your not alone. I think many od us on this board ...we were all lied to for years. These spouses hid a fundamental part of themselves from us.
Then they wonder what our problem is and why we feel so hurt. My GX tried to reframe my hurt by saying I was a horrible husband and she was the victim. She was in a way..she is a gay woman subjected to a heterosexual marriage.. the sheer arrogance and cruelty of me
.expecting her to behave like a straight woman..
Yes we may have been duped but we gave fierce true love. They gave..lies?..something less than true love... not sure what to call it but I wish they just had been true to themselves and not tried to be something they weren't.
Wishing you strength and courage on your journey
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband Hid HRT
I offer my comments as coming from one who has been where you are.
To judge whether you can rely on your husband's words, look at his actions up to this point. He has lied to you repeatedly while secretly doing exactly what he felt like. Ask yourself whether you can trust a demonstrated liar whether you can trust what he says. Ask yourself, also, for what possible reason your husband wants to find someone who will give him a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I would guess he wants that diagnosis in order to "prove" to you that he needs the testosterone blocker and the cross-sex hormones (the estrogens), and a way to pressure you into accepting this step as "life-saving." Also: where is he getting these hormones? Are they black market? Does he have a prescription? If he has a prescription, when, where, and how did he get them, and why didn't he disclose this to you?
My now-ex consistently moved the goal posts of what he said he "was" (how he defined himself) and what he wanted. He set boundaries for himself and then crossed them, and tried to manipulate me into accepting whatever next step he wanted to take. He acted in secret, behind my back, and to my face. He'd tell me he didn't want to transition, then take one more step. I found it impossible to live in a situation in which I couldn't trust what he said, and in which I never knew what the next step or end game was, and when he would the next step.
Fair warning: it is a safe bet that a gender therapist is going to affirm your husband is transgender and pressure you to accept it. I suggest you get a therapist of your own, for yourself, preferably one with expertise in abuse and trauma. You need a place to safely express your feelings, without worrying about how your husband will respond, and whether the therapist will have your back.
Also, getting a diagnosis doesn't change the basic truth: you aren't attracted to your spouse as a woman, don't want to be married to a woman, and are being subjected to lies and gaslighting. I understand the pressure of feeling that you don't want a second "failed" marriage. It might help if you consider that your husband has changed the terms of the marriage. As for your son: surely if family has noticed your husband's changes, your son also already sees what's changing about his father. He deserves transparency also. Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to offer him a home with you, away from his confused and transitioning father. He needs stability and consistency, and his father is not able to offer that to him currently. A person undergoing transition has very little ability to think about anyone other than themselves.
You might want to look up some resources for wives of trans-identified men. In the past I have posted some resources: if you search by my user name you ought to be able to find them here on this site.
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's hard and crazy-making.
- duped86
- New member
Offline
Re: Husband Hid HRT
Rob wrote:
Duped86,
Your not alone. I think many od us on this board ...we were all lied to for years. These spouses hid a fundamental part of themselves from us.
Then they wonder what our problem is and why we feel so hurt. My GX tried to reframe my hurt by saying I was a horrible husband and she was the victim. She was in a way..she is a gay woman subjected to a heterosexual marriage.. the sheer arrogance and cruelty of me
.expecting her to behave like a straight woman..
Yes we may have been duped but we gave fierce true love. They gave..lies?..something less than true love... not sure what to call it but I wish they just had been true to themselves and not tried to be something they weren't.
Wishing you strength and courage on your journey
I'm sorry that this happened to you. This is a particularly painful way to end a relationship, and I'm learning it's not one we can help one another through like we do with everything else because we become angry and emotional. We definitely need individual sounding boards and support through this. I am trying to give him some grace and understand that he didn't always know what was going on with himself, but he had so many feelings (apparently) that he never shared with me and that would be impossible for me to ever do. I could never hide what I was feeling from him, that's not what love is.
- •
Thread Starter- freedmyself
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband Hid HRT
Hi duped86,
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. In the early stages of discovery after my GXH came out, I felt like the ground was constantly shifting under my feet as I came to realize that I didn't really know who I'd been married to, since he'd lied about his sexuality.
The post above by OutofHisCloset is full of good advice, and I'd like to repeat her suggestion that you get your own therapist. Since he's the one going through big changes, it's really easy to focus on your husband and try to figure out what's going on with him. Your own well-being requires you to look within at what's going on with you.
Of course he wants to stay married - so far, he's had the stability and cover of being married to a woman while also taking the hormones he wants to get the body he's after. Be aware that in this cultural moment, it's easy to get Rainbow-washed, where there are pressures to accept the newly out/transitioning person as they are, even if they've lied to you, psychologically manipulated you, and are no longer an appropriate partner for a straight spouse.
One theme I've noticed on this forum, also reflected in my own experience: even if the newly out spouse claims that they want to still be a family, or be friends, or be considerate of their shellshocked straight spouse, they quickly become very self-centered once their spouse discovers who they are. They're eager to begin their new life, and fully embrace their gay/trans identity. We tend to fall off the radar screen.
In addition to your very own therapist, I also hope you have a close friend or family member you can confide in. This is a heavy load to carry, and it helps to be able to share openly with someone.
Hang in there. This is a rough ride, and you can make it through.
Last edited by freedmyself (July 14, 2026 6:31 pm)
- duped86
- New member
Offline
Re: Husband Hid HRT
I offer my comments as coming from one who has been where you are.
To judge whether you can rely on your husband's words, look at his actions up to this point. He has lied to you repeatedly while secretly doing exactly what he felt like. Ask yourself whether you can trust a demonstrated liar whether you can trust what he says. Ask yourself, also, for what possible reason your husband wants to find someone who will give him a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I would guess he wants that diagnosis in order to "prove" to you that he needs the testosterone blocker and the cross-sex hormones (the estrogens), and a way to pressure you into accepting this step as "life-saving." Also: where is he getting these hormones? Are they black market? Does he have a prescription? If he has a prescription, when, where, and how did he get them, and why didn't he disclose this to you?
My now-ex consistently moved the goal posts of what he said he "was" (how he defined himself) and what he wanted. He set boundaries for himself and then crossed them, and tried to manipulate me into accepting whatever next step he wanted to take. He acted in secret, behind my back, and to my face. He'd tell me he didn't want to transition, then take one more step. I found it impossible to live in a situation in which I couldn't trust what he said, and in which I never knew what the next step or end game was, and when he would the next step.
Fair warning: it is a safe bet that a gender therapist is going to affirm your husband is transgender and pressure you to accept it. I suggest you get a therapist of your own, for yourself, preferably one with expertise in abuse and trauma. You need a place to safely express your feelings, without worrying about how your husband will respond, and whether the therapist will have your back.
Also, getting a diagnosis doesn't change the basic truth: you aren't attracted to your spouse as a woman, don't want to be married to a woman, and are being subjected to lies and gaslighting. I understand the pressure of feeling that you don't want a second "failed" marriage. It might help if you consider that your husband has changed the terms of the marriage. As for your son: surely if family has noticed your husband's changes, your son also already sees what's changing about his father. He deserves transparency also. Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to offer him a home with you, away from his confused and transitioning father. He needs stability and consistency, and his father is not able to offer that to him currently. A person undergoing transition has very little ability to think about anyone other than themselves.
You might want to look up some resources for wives of trans-identified men. In the past I have posted some resources: if you search by my user name you ought to be able to find them here on this site.
So sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's hard and crazy-making.
I am sorry that this happened to you. It's been my worst nightmare for a couple of years now, when this issue first surfaced. And now it's come to life. I don't see the therapist as an ally of mine, and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my home. I have already seen that I am the only one showing a willingness to compromise. I do have my own therapist; we are both veterans and get care from the VA. The doctor who gave him the hormones was with the VA and my husband convinced me they were treating his PTSD. I'm hurt and angry, and I do think I will increasingly be pushed to accept things I am simply not comfortable with. Currently, we're hoping to get information about other treatments besides transitioning, but you are right, I really don't trust him to not do it behind my back. I am really hoping he decides to be honest about what he wants to do, from the beginning, so we can both move on.
- •
Thread Starter