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1 of 1- Sspri
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Feeling like a blind fool!
Hi, all. I’m new here, but have spent the last few days lurking, as I just came to the revelation that my husband might be gay. I feel so stupid for not having realized it until now. Any feedback would be most helpful.
Background: We’ve been together for thirteen years. It was a very brief period of dating before he proposed, and only seven months into the relationship when we tied the knot. We’d both been married previously. He caught his ex-wife in bed with another man, I can only assume because she found herself in a similar situation as I am currently with my husband. We have two kids together. Here’s what I compiled so far.
- He has a sexual history with ex-wife and another guy (had threesome more than once with his ex and said male)
- He has stated on numerous occasions that he wants to watch another guy f*** me
- We have not had sex since Sept. 2025 (because I got tired of always being the only one to initiate) and he hasn’t mentioned it at all, but he removed his lube from nightstand and it’s now located in his home office
- He has never, in all our years together, wanted to make out; said that the considered it something only horny teenagers did. He only ever pecks me on the lips, and even that hasn’t happened since Feb. of this year.
- He has only initiated sex a handful of times, mostly when intoxicated
- During sex, he finishes easier by blowjob and is more enthusiastic about getting a blowjob than about actual intercourse; often goes soft once he’s inside me
- He’s never intimate/affectionate, never offering affection, etc.; begrudgingly receives affection from me
- He gets upset when I mention the lack of initiation and blames lack of sex on me “not coming to bed at the same time as him,” which I sometimes had a tendency to do, but I have not done that for the past few years. Furthermore, he has taken to falling asleep in his home office for the first part of the night, then coming upstairs to our bed in the middle of the night since Feb. of this year
- He attended sex therapy for a number of months, but it didn’t seem to have any lasting impact
- During period of reconciliation in early 2025 (for the second time, we were on the brink of divorce) when sex was frequent, he was suddenly into anal (as in, giving AND receiving anal oral pleasure) and said something along the lines of worrying whether it made him gay to enjoy it
- His #1 fond sexual moment between us involves public sex and being watched by another man passing by; he got hard thinking about it and fantasizing that the guy would want to join us, making it clear that the other man noticing us, possibly wanting to join, was what he found most arousing about that particular incident/memory
- He frequently mentions (only half jokingly) about upside-down pineapples, especially when we’ve gone on cruises
Please let me know your thoughts! My mind is reeling at this point.
Last edited by Sspri (June 28, 2026 8:43 am)
- lily
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Re: Feeling like a blind fool!
You haven't caught him in the act but everything you say sounds like he's gay, and likely to be going outside the marriage.
My ex would not admit to being gay but someone suggested I ask him if he thought he might be bisexual and that worked - he admitted to that for a few days before going back to insisting he was 100% straight.
- Sspri
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Re: Feeling like a blind fool!
lily wrote:
You haven't caught him in the act but everything you say sounds like he's gay, and likely to be going outside the marriage.
My ex would not admit to being gay but someone suggested I ask him if he thought he might be bisexual and that worked - he admitted to that for a few days before going back to insisting he was 100% straight.
Thanks for the feedback, Lily. Did you notice any particularly suspicious behaviors? Or what did your friend notice that prompted them to encourage you to ask your ex?
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Feeling like a blind fool!
I trusted him, it didn't occur to me he would be doing anything behind my back. I just had this instinct he might be a bit gay.
Finally I realised that over the years I had just asked him if he might be for the third time, got the same emphatic no and as I walk away I just ask myself, why didn't his first No satisfy me, why had I just asked him again?
The suggestion to ask him if he were a bisexual was given because she thought he might own up to that while he wouldn't own up to being gay.
- Rob
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Re: Feeling like a blind fool!
Sspri,
A lot of red flags. Regardless of whether he's gay, bi, etc I think the withholding of affection is an arrogant hurt...like they think less of us. That foolish desperate feeling is not something you should have to feel from someone that days they love you.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Sspri
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Re: Feeling like a blind fool!
Sspri,
A lot of red flags. Regardless of whether he's gay, bi, etc I think the withholding of affection is an arrogant hurt...like they think less of us. That foolish desperate feeling is not something you should have to feel from someone that days they love you.
Thanks for the feedback, Rob. You’re so right. I feel used and insulted. It’s certainly not the path I would have imagined.
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Thread Starter- freedmyself
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Re: Feeling like a blind fool!
I agree with Rob - red flags for sure.
It's really tempting and very common to try to figure out whether a spouse is gay or bi or something else. Easy to think that a correct label might offer clarity when we're in a confusing relationship.
The more relevant question is whether this is a good relationship for YOU. Sounds like the two of you are not on the same page when it comes to sex, and you might not be on the same page outside the bedroom either.
Please do not feel stupid. I spent way longer than thirteen years married to a closeted gay man. Once he came out to me, I could look back at our relationship with fresh eyes and see signs (My GXH also never wanted to make out - he was the world's worst kisser, and I am all too familiar with the peck on the lips).
Unfortunately, a lot of the signs are not visible when you believe you're married to a straight man. We tend to see what we expect to see, what we're taught to see. Also, it is not our responsibility to turn in to Sherlock Holmes and try to figure out our spouse's sexual orientation - it is their responsibility to be HONEST with us about who they are and what they prefer sexually. I hope you can let yourself off the hook for not knowing something that has likely been deliberately hidden from you. You not knowing is on him, not you.
It does sound like he's dropping some hints now - I wonder how he would respond if you asked him directly if he's gay? His half-jokes don't sound much like jokes. There is a rule of thumb with The Gay Thing, which is that what they tell us is only the tip of the iceberg. Whatever he might be willing to admit, there is likely much more than that beneath the surface, still being hidden from you.
Hang in there - this are rough waters, and you're in good company here.
Last edited by freedmyself (July 4, 2026 7:02 pm)