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1 - coconutgirl
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So lost and angry
I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have one child together (7).
He has told me for the past four years he is bisexual. He only watches gay porn or trans alone while I am at work. He has been cross dressing for around 5-6 years. He attempted to bring this as a role play into our sex life but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was such a huge turn off for me. He now wear women’s underwear daily under his normal clothes. He attempted one point became so obsessed with women’s underwear he spent a lot of money buying it. He has an entire suitcase of women’s lingerie.
He has also made attempts to coerce me to bring other men into our bed which I also refused. As he had a fantasy of me watching him have sex with another man. I eventually got out of him that he was to nervous to do it alone. It seems he was trying to use me to have encounters with men guilt free.
He has been off work for three years due to a workplace injury (mental health) and this have given him a lot of spare time while I am at work.
Around 8 months ago he was being very secretive with his phone. I looked at his phone and he had been sexting another male, videos and photos both ways.
I confronted him and his response had no emotion and all he said was “so what” what are you going to do about it” he then just gave me the silent treatment and any time I bring it up he becomes angry and blames me.
7 weeks ago same situation I saw he had change his phone pin and was protective of his phone. I again looked at his phone and he had created an online profile for gay hook ups. I saw message and plans to meet as well as location and times. He was calling this guy beautiful, gorgeous etc and how he wants to lay in his arms, very intimate and emotional not just sex. He also wanted to buy the guy a lingerie as a gift for when they meet up. It appears that guy was also married with children by the messages and also was a cross dresser.
Then it stops after they exchange numbers.
I confronted him on it, again he blamed me said I was never affectionate or showed him any attention so he was willing to get it from anybody even a man!
He refuses to discuss anything just shut down. I even said this was important for our relationship but he just didn’t seem to care. He denies they ever met up but I don’t believe this. I do remember he gave himself a full body shave etc around the time these message where going on, I remember cause it was weird behaviour.
I had major surgery the week after and had major complications which I am still recovering from.
He wants to continue on like nothing happed and life is normal! Wants to spend time together go fishing etc. we have not been intimate for over three years. Once in the past 5 years.
He show me no affection but somehow that’s all my fault.
There has also been numerous times where we had planned family events to go away for a week or a weekend, in which he would start a fight and refuse to go. He would stay behind at the house alone.
I feel he has physical cheated but somehow I’m still in denial cause I don’t have solid proof he went through with anything.
I’m so angry, sad and lost. I want out but I am financially tied to the house we bought only three years ago ago, and it’s my first house purchase so finally having my own house feels so good! I have three children from my previous marriage two still live with me they are young adults.
I would probably not get much from the house sale as he got the house with his inheritance we have a small mortgage which I contribute half.
I know I want out but how can I stop this feeling of hurt and rejection and questioning why I wasn’t good enough for him! Why do I keep holding onto the hope that he will choose me and our family??!
I gave him so much and still I wasn’t enough!
He makes it feel so easy to just continue on with life like it didn’t happen, it’s such a manipulative behaviour.
I think he likes the idea of having us to cover up his secret life, and he is using me to do just that.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest.
I haven’t told anyone else as I still feel this need to protect his privacy and I feel such shame! I can’t tell anyone as I don’t have anyone I trust enough to keep my confidential
What makes it worse is I saw my mums second marriage end with my step dad being gay after 13 years of marriage. They had two children together and my mum had a complete nervous breakdown from it and she has never recovered from the pain of what he did to her.
I know I need to leave but the fear is crippling while it feels like my life is crumbling.
Thank you for letting me share my feelings and thoughts and for allowing me to tell my story.
I’m open to support and advise at this point!
Last edited by coconutgirl (June 27, 2026 6:58 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: So lost and angry
Hi CG.... I'm halfway through your post and wow 😯 there's a lot to talk about. But you seem fairly certain that staying with him will only make your life more complicated.
I applaud you for not giving in to his requests to open up your intimate r'ship and saying no to "roleplay". I know it'll seem like the weight of all this is too heavy but it's not going to be sorted quickly and you have to do this one day at a time. You need support other than online. Friends, family you trust? Because I don't think anybody can get through this Mindfuck alone.
(I'm on my phone 😄 it's early morning her in New Zealand but I'll jump on my laptop later
and reply some more.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Vanilla2Bm3
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Re: So lost and angry
I was with my DH for 10 months when I left. He never loved me. It was all a lie.
I'm sure my situation is different from your experience (10 years!). I will say that leaving is not always easy. Mine refuses to tell people the truth or agree to the divorce - we have been separated longer than we lived together. He married me only to have children. He is in love with a man attending his church.
After I left, my spouse started calling DHS with lies about me. I lost my job and child due to his manipulation and lying. Now he wants me to attend church with him if I want to see my infant (because people there are beginning to ask questions...) I no longer feel sorry for him. What he did and is doing is a CHOICE. What your husband did was a CHOICE. It is not okay to lie, manipulate, and use people. We are not vending machines for babies. We have feelings and desires too.
Hope this helped. Hang in there. That's all we can do right now, my friend.
- coconutgirl
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Re: So lost and angry
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Hi CG.... I'm halfway through your post and wow 😯 there's a lot to talk about. But you seem fairly certain that staying with him will only make your life more complicated.
I applaud you for not giving in to his requests to open up your intimate r'ship and saying no to "roleplay". I know it'll seem like the weight of all this is too heavy but it's not going to be sorted quickly and you have to do this one day at a time. You need support other than online. Friends, family you trust? Because I don't think anybody can get through this Mindfuck alone.
(I'm on my phone 😄 it's early morning her in New Zealand but I'll jump on my laptop later
and reply some more.
Elle
Thank you for your kind words. It is most definitely a mindfuck, like many other posts I read on hear I keep wanting to know the truth and feel this will bring me some sort of closure. But in my heart I know it won’t. I have to keep redirecting my thoughts and energy into next steps and having an exit plan in place.
Last edited by coconutgirl (June 28, 2026 5:32 am)
- •
Thread Starter- coconutgirl
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Re: So lost and angry
I was with my DH for 10 months when I left. He never loved me. It was all a lie.
I'm sure my situation is different from your experience (10 years!). I will say that leaving is not always easy. Mine refuses to tell people the truth or agree to the divorce - we have been separated longer than we lived together. He married me only to have children. He is in love with a man attending his church.
After I left, my spouse started calling DHS with lies about me. I lost my job and child due to his manipulation and lying. Now he wants me to attend church with him if I want to see my infant (because people there are beginning to ask questions...) I no longer feel sorry for him. What he did and is doing is a CHOICE. What your husband did was a CHOICE. It is not okay to lie, manipulate, and use people. We are not vending machines for babies. We have feelings and desires too.
Hope this helped. Hang in there. That's all we can do right now, my friend.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through! And the fact he is using your babies to control you I can’t imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling.
It just amazes me the lies that just keep coming so they can play the victims and protect their false identities. I hope you get to see your babies soon!
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: So lost and angry
Hi coconut girl, you ask "why do I keep holding onto the hope that he will choose me and our family" - I think I can answer this question.
What my mother finally said about my ex is that he will neither accept you nor will he let you go. Oh, immediately I knew she was right. It took me a while but I realised eventually how manipulative he was. He wanted me to stay, but didn't want me to kiss him. He got what he wanted.
ie,the answer is it's not something you're doing to hold onto the hope against hope, it's what he's doing to you - and you can see that once you take a step back and just watch him.in action.
- coconutgirl
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Re: So lost and angry
Hi coconut girl, you ask "why do I keep holding onto the hope that he will choose me and our family" - I think I can answer this question.
What my mother finally said about my ex is that he will neither accept you nor will he let you go. Oh, immediately I knew she was right. It took me a while but I realised eventually how manipulative he was. He wanted me to stay, but didn't want me to kiss him. He got what he wanted.
ie,the answer is it's not something you're doing to hold onto the hope against hope, it's what he's doing to you - and you can see that once you take a step back and just watch him.in action.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. You’re so right. His words say I don’t want you to go, but he refuses to speak about how his actions show otherwise.
I did something out of anger tonight night looking for answers- I saw someone had sent him a love heart on Christmas morning 7am. Tonight I sent that number a text message asking who they were. I already know the answer, and know who it is. Not sure if it was the right move but it’s done now. I think my anger is wanting to find the truth to cement I am making the right decision.
His coldness towards me this past few days makes me even more angry, no emotion or empathy from him when I told him we are over.
I feel like screaming and reacting just so I can get some sort of reaction from him to show him how much I’m hurting. But I know it won’t do any good, I’m wasting my energy on someone who doesn’t give a shit.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: So lost and angry
I used the energy of my anger to help me get away from my ex. I didn't waste any of it on him.
That worked well for me, I just stayed focused on what is the next step I have take to get divorced. The first night in my new home I woke up more relaxed than I'd been in decades and that afternoon I luxuriated in being able to lie on the living room carpet and cry my eyes out.
Look after yourself, wishing you all the best, Lily
- Hurting
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Re: So lost and angry
Girl I feel you! I have been married 40 plus years and found out at the 32nd year my husband is gay. I still have trouble understanding how I did not see it. I have loved him and have found out he was never truly committed to me. He told me we had been married 3 months when he hooked up with his high school lover. I NEVER KNEW! I have asked him if he is gay and he says absolutely not yet he sleeps with men. All the times I have questioned myself it has never been me. The betrayal has devastated me to the point of no return. My kids have nothing to do with me because I have stayed with him. I have lost my friends…I am alone! Oh he is there pretending but that is all it is. He cut me off emotionally 10 years ago and sexually 6 years ago. I want to leave I stay due to my health and financial stability. I also have no one to talk to so I just get up everyday, go to work and go home where I’m usually by myself because he is out with “friends”. I have COPD and am on oxygen therefore I can’t be around smoking and of course he smokes. This ensures I don’t get in his space which is everywhere. I’m sad, broken, lonely and tired!
- Rob
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Re: So lost and angry
Coconut,
Have to say it..his not working but you feeling tied to him financially because of the house is not a reason to stay in the hurt and anxiety (who is he texting now?)..
My GX sat home not working but carrying on an affair in the house we built.
A home is made of the people that are in it. The house itself could be a trillion dollar mansion and it would provide no emotional safety from spouse that is hurting you.
Wishing you strength and courage on your journey through this.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7