My wife (37) and I (40) have been married now for 13 years, and we have a six-year-old daughter together. We have had an amazing relationship, with a lot of common interests and friends, healthy living, good communication, respect and kindness towards one another as lovers and as parents. The Covid years were hard, with multiple family deaths, becoming new parents, job losses, relocation, and grieving all of that in pandemic isolation. Three years ago, we moved back to her hometown to have family support and to heal from some of that situational trauma. I know healing takes time and you don't always choose the shape it takes, but in my wife's case she became restless. Last year she began the process of coming out (as bisexual) to me, which has been awkward and painful. The catalyst was an emotional relationship she formed with her cousin-in-law, that has since ended. She hasn't physically cheated but has been pressuring me for consent to pursue an extramarital relationship with a woman (non-specific) for the past 6 months. Her actions and her words show me that she is trying to navigate these feelings with care but ultimately, I have been getting worn down from being the obstacle she was pushing against. So, I gave consent 3 weeks ago and just asked for patience while I try to catch up with the changes to the shape of the relationship and future I thought I had. Most days I want to leave because I feel coerced and I don't know if I am up for standing by while she commits herself to another relationship, but I haven't left because I love the life we have built together. Yesterday my wife told me she has been talking with a woman online and wants to meet her which has once again triggered a real fear response in my nervous system. Once I gave her tentative consent, she essentially went straight ahead and posted a classified online describing what she was looking for and found a woman looking for a similar relationship structure: one that is mostly long distance and not a replacement of their existing domestic partnerships but is something that exists mostly in writing and emotional bonding, with intermittent physical affairs. I guess they have been talking and getting to know one another, but it all feels so fast for me. I am doing my best to adapt and reflect, take care of myself, and trust I will be okay. But I could use support while I navigate these waters.
1 month later...
I thought it important to share my journey as it unfolds, because hopefully there will be some insight for what others are going through: Two weekends ago my wife left for a planned vacation to visit friends in New York. As she got to know this new woman online, they set-up a "brief" rendevous in New York during that trip. It ended up being a full three day weekend for them spending time together. I was given a bunch of half truths and ommissions about her plans, which my wife afterwards said were due to her going into the trip unsure if this new relationship was going to be the right fit, and didn't want me freaking out if it was nothing. It left me feeling like I was a supporting character instead of a co-star in our life, unable to affect the narrative. I was essentially being asked to stay unchanged, and for our relationship to stay unchanged, because as a friend put it, "I was not the one changing and my wife's feelings towards me had not changed; therefore she doesn't see why things for me feel so terrifying". While she was gone I did read a short book that I can recommend as an introduction for those of you trying to wrap your head around Mono/Poly relationship structures. The book is called "Mono in a Poly World: What to do when your partner is Polyamorous and you aren't" by Tazmyn Ozga.
When my wife returned from New York, there wasn't much talk between her return and my prescheduled week-long birthday camping trip. We were ships in the night, but leaving right away gave me time to process before reacting to what just happened. During my trip I came to realize that my "no" to an open marriage has not been respected and I don't want to feel insecure in my marriage.
Upon my return I asked for separation, not out of anger and resentment, but with clarity and resolve towards taking care of my own needs. I still love my wife, and she loves me, but our needs to thrive have diverged, and acknowleding that before we dissolve the kindness we have for one another I hope will make us better co-parents moving forward. The logistics to come are terrifying, but having just made a decision, even a bad one, instead of living in limbo feels good. It feels like I just got through the hardest part of this whole process. At the moment we still are sharing our house, sleeping separately because I just can't engage in intimacy anymore, and slowly letting the reality sink in. We have to untangle 13 years of marriage, which is going to take time, but eventually my wife plans to find a new place to live and hopefully I can start redirecting all of this energy back into taking care of myself emotionally, creatively, and financially.
1 month later...
My wife moved out just over three weeks ago, living temporary with a friend. I have been grieving, but doing what I can to take care of myself and my daughter. I haven't been able to focus on being productive at work, but I am trusting that taking care of my emotional and mental health is the priority right now. I have been in the garden almost everyday, exercising, and spending quality time with friends and family. My wife takes our daughter on the weekends. Last night we had our first therapy session together in over six months, and my wife wants to separate out our finances so she knows what her budget is to find her own place to live. In therapy she seemed to resent our financial earning imbalance by minimizing my contributions to the family; its pretty degrading to have the domestic role within a relationship seen as less valuable or attractive. I feel judged for not having the energy to plan romantic dates after all the kid logistics and chores have been done on top of trying to run my own business. Today I am having trouble seeing a path towards reconcilliation and am trying to decide if diving into therapy to hash out how we got to where we are would even be helpful, given that the relationship structure we each want moving forward is so incompatible. 
1 month later...(this is likely my last update)
In the past month my wife found her own apartment just down the road. I shifted away from running my own business and took a job that provides health insurance and a bit more financial stability for my daughter and I. The job also gives me more structure and gets me out of the house and into the community, which I need. The weeks are still really hard for both my wife and I, but then again, our experiences and coping strategies that led us to this point were quite different. To understand our unfolding story my wife put it quite poetically:
"You are not wrong to need a wintertime of the soul as a way to heal from grief, and also I am not wrong to need a springtime of the soul as a way to heal from grief."
Her insight into how I have coped makes me realize that I stopped expanding our life after becoming a father. Prior to that point I had always made a point of planning adventures, spontaneous playdates with friends, and generally making our world bigger. Because I became a parent amidst so much loss, uncertainty, and isolation during a pandemic I did what I could just to survive, and some of those habits still persist. My wife's restlessness was the loss of how I made her feel special, romantic, and bigger than she would be without me. It kills me to feel that despite trying my hardest to take care of myself and my family it isn't enough. This sense of failure has also been compounded by her criticism of me running my own business, that no matter how hard I work or how dedicated I am, that it hasn't been enough to support us. It's a fair criticism, but it still hurts to hear and feels like rejection. I don't believe my failings are inherent character flaws, or that I am unworthy. I just see how my own grief and coping skills have gotten in the way, and how the narrative of her becoming gay is oversimplified. Of course for many couples, the process of coming out is destructive and involves cheating and deceit. In my story though it seems to be one of diminished capacities in grief, and incompatabile coping strategies as we heal. I don't know what our next chapter will look like but I am trying to be kind and patient with myself while it is written.

Last edited by misterb eloto (July 25, 2026 9:43 pm)