Hi Nora, 

one foot in front of the other, you are right at the start of a discovery that doesn't change your past but it illuminates it in a shocking way - so different to what you believed.  I really resonate with what Freed said about it taking some time to really understand how bad it's been.

It's years and years ago for me now, I remember in the early days I would every so often try an experiment - try and imagine having sex with a woman - can't do it, my brain just shies away,  I was reminded of it the other day, it's still the same.  it's fascinating the way I can't go there and as far as I have looked this is just normal. 

So it begged the question for me, I mean I can understand that the urge to reproduce is a very basic factor and that's not the all of it but how does someone manage to have sex with both sexes - how was he bridging that 'ew' factor he felt towards having sex with a woman.

It wasn't love for me as a woman.  I was like a Gucci handbag for my ex.  at the best you can call it cupboard love.  and it got toxic from there.  I spent the first three weeks after discovery taking very long showers not sure if I wanted to puke or cry and finally I started crying - that's when I knew I'd be okay.





 

Nora345,

So sorry.   These spouses just dont get it.  Like you caught him in the act and he says hes not gay? No that is not a normal straight guy.  That is also a liar.

The gay thing (TGT) is a horrible thing in a straight marriage.  Is he meeting a friend for a beer or are they having sex?  Why shouls you have to wonder.  Thw anxiety even with a remorseful spouse can eat you up.

Plan your exit, know you did nothing wrong. 

Wishing strength and courage.

Nora,
  It is such a shock to dscover you are a beard, and that, contrary to your beliefs and your own feelings about your spouse and your marriage, for your spouse the relationship has not been one of love but of convenience.

 When I read your spouse's comments I thought they were the textbook responses of a cheating gay spouse:

he reframed and minimized ("it hasn't been that many!" as if the number is the issue, not his sexuality or the fact of his cheating);

he made a small step toward owning and defending his sexuality (he wasn't sure he wanted to stop), but then, afraid and unable to own his sexuality fully, retreated (wants to "try harder" and "save the marriage");

denies he's gay, and says his behavior doesn't "define him" (Chump Lady, who runs a site for those who've been cheated on, has heard this "my relationships don't define me" so often from those who write to her she has made a cartoon from it--look her up).  

It might be helpful for you to know as you try to decipher your spouse's contradictory and bewildering statements, that those who have been living successfully in the closet and deceiving their spouses find it extremely difficult  to admit their hidden sexuality.  They don't want to experience the consequences of embracing their sexuality. They don't want to admit they've been harming their spouses by deceiving and cheating on them.  They don't want to leave their closets, and they will defend that closet as if their life (but not yours/ours) depends on it.  As a result, they will rationalize, blame-shift, deny, minimize, attack, lie, plead--whatever they can to avoid admitting the truth or having to experience the consequences for their actions.  All of this is in service to maintaining the status quo and their own psychological equilibrium (it's not easy to admit you've been engaged in morally indefensible behavior toward your spouse by cheating on and deceiving them).    

After disclosure or discovery a lot of us experienced this semi-defiant ("I'm not sure I want to stop!") attitude, followed by contrition ("I want to work on the marriage!"), which can generate a "honeymoon period," in which we believe that with our spouse's new honesty (or so it seems) our marriage can finally be made healthy and whole.  A lot of us discovered that this was merely a stage in a much more complicated process of coming out for our spouses, or, for us, of admitting the truth about our spouses, abandoning our own denial or wishful thinking (our spouses aren't the only ones afraid of change!).  

As to the possibility he is bisexual, his years of lack of interest in sex with you suggests otherwise.  Bisexual people are attracted to both sexes.  Your spouse is not just having a side helping of what else he likes.  He's getting the main course on the side.   If he's been avoiding sex with you for years, and maybe has manipulated you into making it feel as if that is somehow your fault, you are more like an unwanted vegetable that he felt forced to put on his plate but doesn't have a liking for, so just pushes it around the plate so it looks as if he does.

Last, if your therapist doesn't know the work of Omar Minwalla, it would be worth your reading and then introducing your therapist to Minwalla's "Secret Sexual Basement."  (You can look it up online.) 

Post-discovery is such an overwhelming and painful time, and navigating through it is, too.  I know everyone here is rooting for you.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 28, 2026 9:24 am)

Hi Nora, another Gucci handbag here.  Seconding OoHC's advice, both about ChumpLady and Dr. Minwalla.  

My husband, who had not touched me for nearly two decades when I first confronted him, responded "I have always known that I was bisexual."  It's like he didn't stop and think whether maybe a guy who avoids having sex with his own wife for two decades can seriously call himself a bisexual.  But I think he was such an incredible snob he actually believed himself, and in his nasty little subculture bisexual men had higher status than gay ones.

Also told me that even though he had sex with men, "I didn't love anyone but you" which reminded me of the part in Pretty Woman where the two girls were justifying sex work because they didn't ever kiss men on the lips.  

If anyone had urged me to get a lawyer back then, I wouldn't have listened, so I won't urge that on you now.  But, you should at least brace yourself for the possibility that (1) he will only ever "confess" to the stuff he thinks you've caught him at; (2) he is lying to himself about how much cheating he's doing; (3) there may be a string of discoveries in your future.  Take the time you need, but please don't trust him -- most men (and women) who do this will say or do whatever they need to, to keep you around while they figure out what's best for THEM.  

Last edited by walkbymyself (Today 2:59 pm)