emma, I'm so sorry you had to go through this.  I don't live in a small village, but aside from that your experience is very similar to mine.

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all response to the question of whether to tell your kids.  I can tell you how I ultimately came out on that question.  

It's not at all uncommon for us to make follow-up discoveries after the initial realization.  In my case, at a certain point I understood that his double life didn't just affect me, it also affected our daughter.  For example, when she was around maybe 12, she came to me and confided that Daddy had pictures of penises on his desktop.  I'd brushed it off as being his silly sense of humor.  But kids shouldn't be lied to, about anything, ever.  I ultimately came to understand that this lie couldn't withstand scrutiny as she grew older.  When I did finally tell her, I also learned that she'd seen texts on his phone that she couldn't make sense of -- but she'd kept them secret from me.  This is not the dynamic of a healthy family.

When I realized she'd have to be told the truth, she was in her senioir year at college.  I told my husband that she'd have to be told, and that if he didn't do it I would, but it would be better coming from him.  I also told him he'd have to wait until after her graduation.  I think the deadline I gave him was probably around three weeks after graduation.  Naturally he didn't do it, so I did.

However you decide on this, I wouldn't treat your two children differently -- if you tell the older one, please tell the younger too.  

Also consider this: if you tell them, you control the message and the timing.  If you don't tell them, they're still going to find out, but it could be in the most shocking and devastating way, and at the worst possible time.  You'll have to answer for a different betrayal: why did you know all along and not tell them?  So I'm pretty much on the side of having no secrets within the family, and FWIW I'm against burdening your kids with things they can't discuss with their own friends and support networks.  If you're planning to stay with your husband in your current location, this is something you need to think over.  I'm glad you have counseling.  

I know I'm strident sometimes, so I try to tone it down here, but we will support you here in your decision.

Hi emma, 

Welcome, and I'm sorry your here. 

It's hard to imagine that your kid at home doesn't already know or strongly sense that something is going on with you & your husband.  Seems to me that it's healthier to let both kids know you're in the process of figuring out your marriage than to make them wonder what's wrong.   You (with your individual therapist) are the best judges of how much to tell them - whether you stop with "marriage problems" or let them know what kind of marriage problems. 

After my GXH came out, it meant divorce, without question.  I didn't tell anyone he was gay (except my therapist) until we told the kids.  It was important to me that they not hear it from anyone but me.  When we told the kids about the divorce and the gay, I also told them that they were free to discuss it with anyone they wanted.  

BUT - I live in a big city in a gay-friendly neighborhood.  I want to make sure that I'm not relating my story without recognizing that there are very real safety issues in many places in the world.  Safety for your family matters a lot, so that's a consideration, too. 

The small town factor and the possibility of staying together definitely adds a challenge to your situation - as if it weren't challenging enough!  Hope you find some solid ground to stand on as you decide what's best for you & your kids. 



 

Thanx you so much for your replies ! I appreciate it so much !
What to do if i would split up with my h and he stil refuses to tell the kids ? If i would end up telling them is That not outing my h in a bad way ? My whole village would know and my h would probably end up very mad .
This coule also potentially be harmful for my children . I an just so sad and confused as I also really do not know if my h is really BI or just pretending … I found out a year ago but is is still so very confusing . Would love to hear also how your children reacted and how their contact with their father is now . Thanks so much for any information

Bi or Gay certainly adds to your confusion, but all you really need to know is that he's been cheating with men.  That's enough - you don't actually need an accurate label, and he might be unable to provide you with one anyway.  Some straight spouses are of the opinion that labelling himself "Bi" is the way that a closeted gay man makes it ok in his mind that he was married to a woman. 

My opinion - if you split up, you have every right to tell the kids whether he wants to, or not.  If your husband being mad is the worst thing that might happen, so be it.  Again, I'm assuming you'll be physically safe.  

After my husband came out, I realized that what was happening to my family was MY story, not just his.  

It's really, really common that those of us married to closeted gay men are accustomed to accommodating their selfish selves, giving up bit by bit the things that we want and need in a relationship in order to keep the peace.   Be on the lookout for your instinct to not make him angry - it's a great way for him to manipulate you (this was my experience).  

My kids are young adults, and we told them about the divorce and the gay at the same time.  The divorce piece did not surprise them.  I have been very honest with them about my experience with their dad, and how I was manipulated and cheated on.  I didn't tell them everything all at once. 

I feel like I would be remiss in my duties as a mom if my kids remained in the dark about what he's done to me.   After what I've been through with that guy, I'm fully in favor of telling the truth, and that means sharing my story with my kids. 

Both of them have found a way to have a relationship with him.  It appears to be a very superficial relationship; that's the only kind of relationship he's capable of.  I see him a couple of times a year if there are major family events, for the sake of my kids.  

I'm glad to hear you have your own counselor.  A important warning about couples counseling - someone who is capable of 20 years of secrecy and cheating is accustomed to manipulating people.  It is not uncommon for a person like your husband to learn in couples counseling what he needs to say in order to manipulate you.  What might look like him being honest and/or open to change might just be him telling the counselor what he thinks the counselor wants to hear.  Your individual counseling is way, way more important for you at this point than couples counseling. 

I'm wondering if focusing on your kids and their relationship with their father and how he might react is a way for you to avoid thinking about how hurt you are?  

When you write about your husband being mad, and that being potentially harmful for the children,  are you just talking about him being emotional, or are you at risk in some other way? 


 

Last edited by freedmyself (Today 1:13 am)