Yeah, I still think WTF every time I see my ex wife's face.  Like did that really happen and we are two years out and a year past divorce.  Divorce is where this is headed.  As a Christian I didn't like the idea of divorce either but as it turns out you can't say no.  So abandonment and porneia it is, and thankfully an acceptable reason to divorce and remarry in the future.  My advice is to work through the details of the divorce quickly while she still might have some guilt and you both might have a feeling of love to allow it to be amicable and fair for both of you.   I also dont advise sitting around remembering the good times or what you liked about her, that's not doing you any good in breaking your attachment.   I suggest focusing everything you disliked and all the crap she put you through.  Being attached to someone who is emotionally checked out is painful as hell.  You can do this, there is a place in the future where you will be happy again, but you have to work to get there.  Take it one small step at a time.

Hi Big Cat, 

I'm sorry to hear you are broken hearted, as we all are here.

Your situation appears to me to be fundamentally different than mine, and from many people here.  Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you were in a mutually non-monogamous relationship with a wife who was open with you about her bisexuality.  Then your wife left you for a woman with whom the two of you were already having a sexual relationship.  

What makes us straight spouses is that we married people whom we understood to be straight, because they told us they were straight, and then we discovered later that they were in fact LGBT, and it's caused us to question What the Fuck Happened.  Many of us lived with lies, deception, gaslighting and manipulation, sometimes even psychological abuse - perhaps for years - while our spouse attempted to cover up their secret sexuality.  It's the theme running throughout the forum, this sudden shifting of the ground under our feet as we grieve the future we thought we would have and also try very hard to come to peace with a past that is now incomprehensible, because of our spouse's secret sexuality and (often) their deception.

I mention this for two reasons.

First, because of our circumstances, we're unique minority over here.  We're here to be supported and understood by people who have, or are trying to, survive this new information and the turmoil of their lives. 

Second, I'm not sure there is sufficient similarity of experience for you to find the support you're seeking.  It appears from your post that your wife was honest and open about her sexuality from the beginning.  It's this absence of a secret and its associated confusion that divides your story from the straight spouse story.

I'm wondering if there is a support group related to non monogamy and its unique issues that might be a more relevant source of support for you. 

 

Last edited by freedmyself (Yesterday 1:51 am)

Once a r'ship enters "non-monogamy" whether it's a choice made openly by both people, one only participating because they feel they have to or only one knows it's actually open but keeps it a secret from the other....non-monogamy means the marriage/r'ship will never be the same again. Ever. The dynamics of it change the way you see each other, what you expect of one another and.....basically how you live your life. 

'Resources' may help you but the pinnacle to that will be you deciding....knowing without a doubt.....how you want to live your life, what you're not willing to accept and the boundaries you put around your decisions.

Elle