I ignored the signs/red flags, because I wanted to believe in the dream that he presented, that he was a nice guy in a lot of ways and that porn was normal and sometimes gay porn is just mixed in there. Then the late nights getting home after work were difficulty getting parking in a busy city. Then the lack of intimacy was good, because we couldn't afford kids anyway so we wouldn't have an accidental pregnancy. Then I found more porn and tried to confront him, but his Dad died that week and I felt bad for him and stuck by his side. Then he was better for a while, then more porn creeped in and more suspicious behaviors when I visited my folks and was away. I got lonely and fell into an emotional affair somewhere along the way (I stopped talking to this guy completely when I got married by the way), he got suspicious and I think he loved having an excuse to spend hours up at night on his computer then his ipad doing whatever it was (until 3am most nights). Got to love incognito mode. I told him cut it out or I was leaving and it got better for a time again. Then we finally had enough money for a wedding, so I stupidly asked him after 13 years if we could get married and that he would not use porn and we would try for kids. He agreed and of course he lost his job 3 months before the wedding. I felt bad for him, everyone was getting laid off. So we got married and then he didn't work for 3 years and trying for kids was put off as a result. I spent a night away dog sitting for a friend and heard a guys voice when I called him. He said it was the TV... I found him a job through a lead from friends. He got it luckily, he would only "try for kids" once a month though at this time when I was so desperately wanting them and having fertility issues too. I got sad and started to search for help from God at this point and reconnected with my faith. Slowly this became my rock. I started to become happy with a church family I became very involved in. He wouldn't come along. Lots of excuses these days to hate on the Catholic church, I get it. I bought them, but later I began to see they were just excuses. He got diagnosed with terminal cancer and miraculously survived 5 years now. In great shape for all the surgeries and chemo. A few years back though he began with the hints, he only shared enough for me to get the idea, but as he likes to say a lot now "you have no proof," Last summer he wanted to take up hiking right before I went away to visit my sister for a week. He even showed me the trail. I didn't think much of it, until he lied about being at work while I was away and I caught him by calling work. He said he was having intestinal difficulties, like he sometimes does due to the type of cancer. "He went for a walk at 6am and it didn't work out well for him.'' What makes me really mad, is he would never do anything at all with me at 6am if I wanted. In the next few weeks all the memories started adding up. Then I look up gay/bi cruising and everything made sense. I found sniffies and saw the hiking trail marked where he had taken me. I saw streets we had driven around just "to go for a ride together." I then continued to montior it and him and things just kept lining up. I saw a guy's bed not to far from where we live with a blanket that matched the one he got me for Christmas last year (with a guys bathrobe, because he could find the women's section -I knew something there was off.). And then I discovered his photo on sniffies, from the neck down with all the stats I knew well, except for the one that said bi.I showed him the photo and he lied, but then weirdly smiled. Not sure what sadistic angle he is coming from. But weeks later I am trying to just accept that he will remain closeted to me. I think he is doing what is called a reverse discard, pushing me away. This way I can look like the one who abandoned him. My priest said its perfectly okay to go. I am leaving in February, but man is it hard... I hate having to start over because he lied. I hate that he still is lying and I especially hate that he has his friends and family all fooled. I hate that he is going to make me out to be the bad guy and that he has already accused me of having someone lined up. That is totally the last thing I can think of. No way I can ever trust again. At least I can't imagine it now. Maybe 5 years from now. I try to be thankful that at least I know the truth now. That is helpful. I also am starting to picture a new future moving back to my parents and being with my nieces and nephews and siblings. But these waves of feelings, they truly are hard.

Last edited by brokencatholicgirl (Yesterday 8:15 pm)