Hi Lily. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'll admit that they were really hard to read and I'm definitely struggling to face the questions you posed.

I definitely have an instinct for monogamy and probably sounds selfish but would really prefer that this situation be a "one and done" encounter but Im obviously not in control of that. 

That said, I do want to continue to be as open and honest with my wife as she has been with me. I think that no matter what the outcome of this is, our mutual respect for each other will help us. Me getting answers to questions like:

1. If there is anything that can be done to not open the door to a potential relationship & instead keep this as a single sexual encounter/if based on the how she is feeling today/right now - if that is still what she wants out of this and if the bartender knows the answer to that question and/or consents to that being the plan. 

2. If the desire for a relationship becomes too strong to handle, what is our course of action?

3. Will loving and supporting her in this lead to me losing her?

4. BIG ONE (again based on how she is feeling after this acceleration over the last couple days, does she think there is a world where she is willing to sacrifice our marriage for a relationship with the bartender?

Im scared of the answers but know that if we are going to come out of this effort stronger and better as a couple (which I still believe in my heart of hearts is what both of us want), I have to face them. 

Lastly, thank you for your advice. I am seeking support (obviously here) but also through therapy and with friends and family. 

lily wrote:

Hi Hawksguy, I'm so sorry you must be hurting so much right now.  Do be assured the time will come when you feel good again.

I know you want your amazing wife back but I think you have to take some deep breaths among the shock waves and start to ask a few questions - not to her but in yourself - time to take your arm and put it round your own shoulders and think things through a bit for yourself rather than her.  If, for instance, she wanted to explore her feelings for another man by having sex with him, what would your response be - instinct for monogamy?  I know I've got one, sounds like you do too.  I think it's just the way many of us are wired.  I don't think you can stop your wife from falling in love with another woman - she is even saying she is a lesbian.  Maybe you have to consider that the wife you believed you were married to was more like an image presented and less the real person inside.

The big piece of advice I have is to find those people, family and friends, that you can talk about it with - it just helps a lot.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Hi Hawksguy, 

So true, what Lily and Blackie have said.  There's no crystal ball for how she's going to feel in the future - she can't know, and there's nothing you can do or not do.  The early days of this experience feels like there's no solid footing, but as you manage to breathe through the first couple of weeks, it's time to look within and think about what is and is not ok for you within your marriage. 

It is a big question that you've posed, "does she think there is a world where she is willing to sacrifice our marriage for a relationship with the bartender?"  Plenty of us live in a world where our spouses sacrificed our marriage & family & future for some young hot thing. 

Please consider a re-framing of this question.  There are definitely sacrifices here - after she fully explores her lesbian sexuality, will she make the sacrifice to remain in a mixed orientation marriage? And if she does, and she can't/doesn't want to close that part of herself off again, will you sacrifice monogamy so you can remain married? 

There are people who do remain married after their spouse comes out - they post over on the MOM board part of this forum.   That might be interesting reading for you, to see what that type of marriage is like, and whether you see yourself there. 

This hurts like hell, and it is very difficult to adjust your new reality. 

1. What do you want in this relationship? Are you ok with your wife sleeping with another person?(Take gender out of the equation)

2. You have no control over this. Your course if action will be determined by the previous question.

3. Depends on what exactly you are supporting. I support my wife in expressing who she is and how she feels about things. I do not support her having sexual relations or a relationship outside of our marriage. You need to find out if she is still truly committed to monogamy. Again, what kind of relationship do YOU want.

4. No one can answer that, not even her. She's tied up in a hormonal cascade of limerence and it's more addicting than drugs. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is decide what YOU want and see how things shake out. If she is truly committed to being with you, she will value what you want just as much as you value what she wants.

There are several resources available here, and many different perspectives. My advice would be to not lose yourself in the process of her finding herself. Be the person you are and she will either accept that or reject that. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

coming at it from a different angle - ie where the match or non match of sexuality is not the topic - imo when spouses start falling in love with other people there is often a subconscious instinct happening, to help them move on.