I will never know for sure, because my GXH is not big on being open or truthful.  What I think is that he knew at least by the time he was in high school that he was gay, and that he repressed it, shoving it way down deep and "deciding" that he was straight.   Middle age hit, and he couldn't keep it in any more. 

I understand feeling like a fool.  Once he came out, and the 20/20 hindsight kicked in, I saw red flags everywhere.  Of course, I couldn't possibly have noticed while I believed he was straight - it's a different lens. 

There's another way to look at all your attempts to fix intimacy issues - it wasn't YOU! It was never you.  You and your lesbian wife weren't a good fit for each other, especially not sexually.  Part of the relief I felt after my husband came out was that our sexual mismatch also did not have anything to do with me. 

I think there will definitely be a time when you don't wake up thinking 'why me'.  It takes time, and the healing curve is slow and yet you will be better over time.  I like that you have a support network - I was quite moved at how much support I got from family and friends.  Therapy helped tremendously, too.

freedmyself wrote:

There's another way to look at all your attempts to fix intimacy issues - it wasn't YOU! It was never you.  You and your lesbian wife weren't a good fit for each other, especially not sexually.  Part of the relief I felt after my husband came out was that our sexual mismatch also did not have anything to do with me.

I keep trying to tell myself this.  On one side, my wife and I can both acknowledge that there was no way that I could ever be who she really desired deep down inside, so our intimacy issues were never my fault.  But, it is really hard to crawl out from under years of blame and disappointment.  I still want to be the "responsible partner" and "own the problem".  It doesn't help anything, but old mindsets are really hard to break.
 

barelythere wrote:

...What is the consensus here?  Were our spouses always gay, or did they somehow change teams mid-life?  .

 

Once you disengage/stop loving/come to a decision about your life....the ifs, buts, maybes and 
questions may cease to matter so much. Your life will become more important.

Elle
 

freedmyself wrote:

Nemo, 

I'm wondering if you need to "own the problem" because it's easier to think that you're to blame (and therefore could have done something different) than it is to try to wrap your head around the fact that you put your trust into a partner who was untrustworthy. 

In many cases, the fact that we were trusting people made us more appealing to a  partner with a giant secret who was hell bent on deception.  That certainly describes me. 

How long has it been since you found out your wife is a lesbian? 

That's the thing.... This has been a journey of discovery for her over the past few years, especially after she had a hysterectomy, and she has been completely open with all of her growing understanding of her confused feelings resulting from a rather traumatic childhood and a strict religious upbringing.  At first, she felt that she was on a bisexual spectrum, but the more she pressed into her sense of identity, the more she realized that she was a lesbian.  If anyone was deceived it was her, by the upbringing that stifled her sense of herself.  So, I'm collateral damage to the religious order.  I blame the people who raised her, not her for her decades of confusion.

To answer the question, she really only came out fully a few weeks ago.  So yes, even though this was something that I guess that I saw coming, I am still feeling a bit of confusion on how to best navigate the situation and keep our family and our friendship intact. She has been my best friend in the world for almost forty years, and I want to hold onto that.  I also want to keep being Mom and Dad to our grown children, even though we may not be living together in the future and may have other partners in the picture.  I'm not hurt -- really feel for her and want to do what I can to hold onto what we have built together.