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1 - barelythere
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Trying to make sense of it
I guess I'm posting to see if I can get some perspective on what has happened to me.
I (42M) had been with my ex-wife (41F) for 22 years, married 15. We were in a very rough patch of our marriage 2.5 years ago, but I had thought we were healing. We have two boys, 12 and 10.
My career had recently experienced some rapid growth that lead to international opportunities. I took a short term stint overseas, with the plan that the family would join soon and stay for a school semester. In the meantime I was doing 3-4 weeks on / 2-3 weeks off. My ex-wife applied for a leave of absence and everything seemed good.
The wheels totally fell of when I was asked to take a posting in the east coast. The job was a dream come true and I tried to sell my ex-wife on it, but she didn't seem interested. I turned it down. However, she was quite upset and confided in a friend who is a lesbian (25F). I'm not sure what their relationship was like before this, but it rapidly turned into continuous daily texting, love letters and long late night meetings. Meanwhile our relationship basically ended that day. All intimacy, communication, friendship, etc. was over and any time I tried to talk to her, she would just dig up problems from our past.
The situation just got worse and worse for the next 9 months. She ended up canceling joining me overseas and I had to exit my posting early and take a job at home. As soon as I got home and established, she told me she wanted a divorce and blamed me for the demise of the marriage. I brought up the new friend, which I had in the past, but she denied the affair.
We are still living together, and she goes out with her new girlfriend every night while I take care of the kids. They stay out very late, sometimes 3 AM and even as late as 6 AM. She has even come back with massive hickies on her neck. I did try to talk to her about reconciling, but she continues to tell me that I ruined the marriage and this relationship with her 25 year old friend has nothing to do with it.
The whole thing has been traumatic for me. I trusted her so much and I honestly believed that I was to blame for this for a long time. Friends have told me otherwise. I had my suspicions before that she is a lesbian. She has always had a lot of lesbian friends, and has taken so much interest in their personal lives and culture. She had been going to naked hot tub parties with some lesbian women in the neighborhood. Also, she told me recently that if we split she would never have a relationship with a man again.
Any insights or similar experiences would be helpful. I really struggle with trying to understand how this happened, and if I could have prevented this. I feel a lot of guilt for taking this international assignment, although we talked a lot about it and agreed to the plan. I just keep thinking I could have prevented this if I was at home, or that the marriage needed more healing before taking an opportunity like this.
- lily
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
you feel guilty because she is continually guilt-tripping you.
Hi barelythere, hopefully some of the men will reply too but we all understand the confusion and pain of being lied to and manipulated and made to feel like trash by the person you trust to love you back, to have your back. You are feeling the need to find your feet and reaching out for answers, that is a good place to be.
Listen to your family. Get a good solicitor - do not let her continue to guilt trip you through the divorce process.
it might not feel like it now but be grateful she wants a divorce, it could be worse, she could decide she wants to stay, keep her girlfriends, keep on tormenting you, and have you there looking after her.
Last edited by lily (December 14, 2025 10:31 am)
- Rob
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
Barely there,
I chose local positions to the determent of my career. Made sure I was home as early as possible from work for the kids activities etc.
It got me nothing..she had her gay affair and said I was never there.
I think they will blame world hunger on us..they cant accept any blame in destroying marriage...they have to select their guilt and rewrite reality.
Build your support system...know that if she doesnt want to be married she is not entitled to all you worked so hard for..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- freedmyself
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
I think she has to find fault with you in order to justify how badly she's treating you. It happened to me. As my GXH started spending more time with his gay friends, in gay bars, doing gay things, his criticism of me increased significantly. If they can dehumanized us through our flaws - whether real flaws, or stuff they invent / imagine - then they believe we are not deserving of respect and honesty, and they can do whatever the hell they want.
When my GXH came out to me, he did it by telling me he was leaving the marriage because of all my numerous flaws, which he then proceeded to list (he, of course, is flawless). At the very end of this list, he said also he is gay. Like it was a footnote. Because the real problem isn't his lying or gaslighting or sexual deception, it's me.
Seems to me that the way a closeted spouse manages to fake their way through a straight-looking marriage is by partnering with someone who is willing to blame themselves for any problems in the marriage, and then keeping the straight spouse off balance by finding things to blame them for.
Lily is right about getting a good lawyer, and do it sooner rather than later. I also highly recommend getting a therapist. If you struggle finding someone where you are, consider booking a session or two with Karen Bieman, an Australian therapist whose clientele is exclusively straight spouses. She offers coaching on Zoom for people in the rest of the world. Her website is notmycloset.com.
This straight spouse experience is a total mindfuck, and my hope for you is that you come to realize that it's not your fault. The only way you could have prevented it was by not marrying her in the first place. Betrayal trauma is real, and it takes a while to find your footing after it happens to you.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
You have been given excellent advice.
There's no shortcut through this, you take a deep breath and do your very best to keep you and your children together. I second, third, fourth the lawyer.
We're here for you too.
Always spell Mindfuck with a capital. This is no
lowercase experience 
Elle
KIA KAHA
- barelythere
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
The part I really struggle with is how fast it happened. It was literally one conversation between my ex-wife and her much younger friend, and our 22 year relationship was over. She just flipped overnight, but I know that this new relationship didn't turn physical until several months later.
After this conversation she just ignored me. I kept texting her asking what was going on, and the most I got was that she was sorry and knew she wasn't on her best behavior. It was the closest thing to honesty before the endless blaming and digging up past issues.
Is this something others have experienced? It was so jarring to have my marriage end so abruptly, with no chance to do anything about it.
- •
Thread Starter- Blackie563
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
Sorry you are here. I was in a similar situation, married for 19, together for 23. It wasn't overnight and I did not realize it until I got out, but she treated me like shit the entire marriage. My first post here actually talked about how great the marriage was and struggling to reconcile how she ended up with an affair, with a woman.
The truth is, you may likely never know the truth. Closure must come from you and you can only get to closure through as Elle said, going through it. No shortcuts. Its awful, but on the other side is freedom and a life I never knew could exist. Take it a day at a time, it is NOT your fault. I find many of these people actually hate themselves, and they project that hate on to us, it relieves them of their guilt, (if they have any) makes them the victim and justifies their treatment of you. Said differently, its not about you even though it feels very personal. Come back often, post as much as I need. Best of luck to you.
- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
Find who you are...
Stop trying to find her...
You will likely never get an apology...
You will likely never know the truth...
You can't change your past...
But you are in control of your future...
Be the man you have always denied for her.
Be the father that your kids need.
Find happiness in yourself and you will find a new life waiting for you.
You didn't lose everything because you still have you.
- barelythere
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
What is the consensus here? Were our spouses always gay, or did they somehow change teams mid-life? When I look back at all the intimacy and affection issues that I was constantly trying to fix, and that she told me she would work on, I feel like such a fool.
I hope there will come a time when I don't wake up thinking why me. I'm just glad I have so many good friends and family members that have been there for me.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Trying to make sense of it
as a grumpy old lady I feel I'm entitled and I'm just going to say it - of course they were always gay. Doesn't that make more sense?
Binary is binary, and it seems to me orientation is stable. surges of hormones make people more masculine, more feminine but orientation, as far as I can make out, orientation is one of those things that remains stable.
When a feminising transgender male declares he and his wife are lesbians to me that sounds like he is expressing how he has felt about having sex with her and what he is working up to, the thing that he wants is to attract a man. He wants a man to sexually dominate him sure, but it is still a man he wants not a woman whoever she is.
She has fooled you but how brave you are showing yourself to be, strong and intelligent, you're dealing with it. glad to hear of the family and friends, it must be a good feeling to connect back at ground level again. good for you!