RUN RUN RUN from this therapist!!!

He has clearly confused your husband and gave him an awful, unprofessional advice.

There will be people on this forum that will agree with this therapist's approach, but as someone with psych degree and having researched the topic thoroughly since my husband came out two years ago - this is blatantly wrong, unprofessional and borderline criminal.

Please read up on this and URGENTLY find a different therapist. Whatever your husband's sexuality really is, he shouldn't be working through such a sensitive and important journey with such a crook of a therapist. Sorry for strong wording, but it's a pain.

To start with, you simply can't decide within weeks whether you are gay or bi (or whatever). My bi-husband reports going through male/female cycles that can last a couple of months each. Straight after coming out, he thought "he was more gay", most of his fantasies were about guys. A few months later we had like a 4-5 months period where he would hardly notice any guys at all.

Start with Jo Kort's book "Is my husband straight, gay or bi?"

Also, regardless of what your husband's sexuality it (even if he is gay), it doesn't mean your relationship is over. There are mixed orientation couples that are happy and monogamous. It's not an easy journey, but if love, communication, honesty are there - it can be very rewarding.

Here some additional resources for you:

Facebook groups:

https://facebook.com/groups/morandmorecommunity/

https://facebook.com/groups/straightspousemom/


Podcasts:

https://youtu.be/ddEc_hyCXAI?si=QkwQGpuqHk2nTyHU

https://youtu.be/SRUYC3sJFqY?si=PQiMcw9BsQcVr1Kk


MOR and More:

www.morandmore.org

Hi @Alex1984

Thanks a lot for your reply and sharing your experience.I’m really concerned about his therapist and this type of treatment he is receiving. The comment made about us just being friends and platonic was also suggested by this therapist, and my partner agrees with this assessment despite not having any conversation about this with me and is not (in my opinion) understanding that we are great friends with a beautiful bonus of a loving relationship. I don’t want to be naive about the situation but I’m also genuinely terrified that my partner is making such big decisions. Me trying to broach the subject about an any curiosity and discussion about a flexible relationship is met with frustration so I would genuinely appreciate some advice about how to speak about this another way, or how I proceed at the moment. Thanks also for the additional resource links, these are so insightful.

Hi Doodles, 
You are most definitely not alone.  Plenty of company here.  

It is EXTRAORDINARILY PAINFUL when a spouse comes out.   The deterioration in his mental health prior to him coming out could very likely be that the stress and anxiety of keeping his sexuality a secret is more than he can handle.  Saw that prior to my GXH coming out. 

As far as the question of whether he's bi or gay - only he knows for sure, and you might never get the truth out of him anyway.  More relevant is that he says he's not attracted to you and wants to be with men.  It's awful to be blindsided like this, and the devastation you're feeling is, unfortunately, how this experience feels.  

"The man I love feels like he's disappeared" captures it well, too.  When you've been attached to someone for years and years, and then you find out they're not at all straight, like they purported to be during your relationship, it's mind-bendingly confusing.  Personally, I don't have any idea who I was really married to, and I don't know who that guy is now.  It took many months of therapy for me to give up on needing to know what really happened to him.  

This is an awful experience.  The first couple of weeks after my GXH came out, I felt like I could barely breath.  And while this seems impossible to imagine from where you are right now,  it truly does get better with time. 

Please give a read to the resources listed at the top of the forum.  I also encourage you to get your own therapist - it's important to find someone who's a good fit, so you might have to meet with a few before you choose one. 

Take care of yourself - this is a lot to handle, and you can do it. 

If your husband is open to it, he can set up a Zoom call with my husband. Alternatively, just say that you've been doing some reading and are concerned he's been getting the wrong/unprofessional advice and should probably look for a second opinion.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Men who come out as bisexual or gay are well-known for keeping it under wraps
for years.
And in those years you grow together and it will seems strong, stable and "look
our life is perfect".
Then it changes, and your life is suddenly challenged by something you're not
quite ready for.

He's ready for it because he's been building up to it for years. He sounds a bit selfish, self-absorbed
and further down the track you may be grateful he's giving you an 'out'.

If I was you.... Knowing what I know now after my own relationship battles....I would take a break, put
some distance between you and the situation/him and do some deep thinking, talk to trusted friends, a counselor.
No rash decisions. This is your life, not his.

Elle

Hi Elle,

Thanks for your message and great advise. I’d never say our relationship looked perfect but I do understand that he may have been keeping this down for years, but the type of relationship we’ve had only ever encouraged open thinking so why he’s feel the need to keep this I really don’t know.
I do agree that he’s selfish and self absorbed, and has been fine to watch me please and look after him while I disappear into myself.
I do think some distance will help me do some thinking, I’m caught in a place of wanting to love and care for him whilst realising how much this man has cut me so deep and I don’t know how I move on. The no rash decisions is what I asked him to do too, but I’m being shut out by a man who feels like he wants to shut down and hurt people around him.