Hi RL.

I used to post here a lot more frequently, but you're welcome to look up my experience on "our stories". 
Your fourth paragraph is really powerful, because we all struggle with this split.  We're so conditioned to have empathy for our spouses that we end up feeling guilty or conflicted about whether we have a "right" to even a shred of dignity and self-worth.

I'm a little confused by the chronology in your post, because you said he came out to you this year but he'd come out to you as bi in 2021.  Do you mean to say that this time he came out as gay?

I ask because the shock as many of us have experienced it, takes a very long time to deal with.  In my case it took about 18 months.  I think it was helpful to me, at a point, to completely remove myself from the house.  Being around him only gave him the opportunity to attempt to manipulate me.  Also as you may now realize, many of these guys confess in tiny little steps.  Coming out as "bi" is a very, very common one, followed by acknowledging they're "gay".  Another one is when they say they need to "explore" that side of themselves, but they want you to know it will never turn physical.  About a year or two after it's already turned physical, they tell you they want to try same sex partners but don't worry there's never going to be an emotional attachment.  Usually by this time there's an emotional attachment, and by the time you start checking their search history they've long been hooking up with strangers (which they've been doing since about a decade before you met them).

I'll speak only for myself, and blah blah blah hurt people hurt people blah blah oh he's such a loving and caring partner blah blah blah think of how he must have suffered blah blah blah

In my husband's case he was also stealing nearly half our earnings every paycheck going back 24 years.  But just think of how unfair it is to him to have to grow up in a capitalist society where other people are filthy rich and he isn't, poor baby!  Don't worry, everybody knows wives don't actually depend on that money to retire on in our old age!

I'm just offering an antidote to what CMaree23 posted, because you'll hear a lot more people push her narrative than you'll hear about mine.  

"I can tell you that paving a new positive path forward is possible if that is what you want. "

I can tell you to click your heels three times and repeat "there's no place like home" and the bad will vanish and everything will be wonderful.  If that's what you want, of course.  

Last edited by walkbymyself (February 2, 2026 2:41 pm)