Hi Isa,

mostly heterosexual?  

when I was young I knew there were gay men, I knew there were lesbians but I thought they were the ones you could see - London in the 70's had a thriving gay scene, I had no idea that people might hide their sexuality.let alone lie about it.

As I understand it, Alfred Kinsey was gay, a married man with children.  So I expect it was very brave of him to publish that scale of his and no doubt it was a genuine depiction of himself - but it is not the experience of straights.

I met someone who told me that when he was in his 40's he went to bed one evening, with his straight hair and good eyesight but when he woke up in the morning he had curly hair and needing glasses.  Unusual things like that do happen but he didn't wake up with female parts, or a sixth finger.   

Ageing and those hormonal surges change things - at 6 years old I remember a vibey sort of thing going on between me and one of the boys but neither of us were in any way thinking of having sex with the other.  That sort of vibey only started to happen after puberty was well underway. and even then it was only mild compared to what I have experienced since falling in love with a straight man.  So yes more elements than orientation involved in forming a sexual bond.

As surely as I know I won't wake up with a sixth finger, I know my orientation is stable.  Not visible, but a basic.  

I'm not going to wake up one day and want to get physical with a woman.  ever.  ew.  much as I love some women I don't want to or feel any sexual attraction, I'm straight, I'm oriented towards men.  I'm that basic family type, monogamous, want to form a lifelong bond so I am ideal material for a closeted gay man - will fall in love, be giving and trusting, easy to fool and utterly loyal.

My personal feeling is that knowing the truth of myself, and that includes my parents as well as my spouse, has only  been helpful even though it's been so painful and difficult to take on board at times.

 

I remember decades ago someone telling me that his gay friend really wanted to sleep with him and he thought he ought to give it a try and he went ahead and tried, getting into bed with him but when the friend kissed him he just had to say er no sorry, can't do this.

That ew factor is quite strong, sexual orientation is magnetic - attract or repulse.  A gay man having sex with a woman is I assume able to do it because he is able to override or bypass that magnetic repulsion in some way or another.  Clearly it's much easier to do when he's younger so possibly something to do with being prime reproductive age.  But he is still feeling it, that is my observation and once I saw it it made sense of the deep down confusion I experienced in my own marriage.  What does it take to be a good wife for a man with same sex attraction - being amendable, caring and very undemanding.

One last go at saying how I see it - the dna determining your over all formation is like a bag of marbles, some big ones among all the small ones.   There are numbers of factors involved in determining your mating behaviour, in itself it's like a bag of marbles, some big ones among all the small ones.  One of the big ones is the direction that magnetic pull takes.  It's not the thing that's changing when a bisexual switches between a man and a woman, it's other factors in his mating behaviours coming into play.

Thanks for acknowledging the pain we experience, it helps so much.

all the best, Lily





 

ok so if you and I have differences in how we view the nature of sexuality then one of us is wrong don't you think?  we might both have a bit of wrong and a bit of right but determining what is wrong or right is how you can learn better isn't it?

but agreed, conversation over we've both done our best.  

I think we both agree there is a mass of subtle differences - and they make such a difference.  

two bisexuals in a MOM is so different in outcome to a MOM where there is a straight involved - it is no longer a level playing field.

Last edited by lily (October 10, 2025 7:26 pm)