For myself personally? 

It's a little complicated. I am attracted to men, but I absolutely don't want children, and I feel like a lot of men really do want children. That is a deal breaker for me, and I would rather never marry than be pressured towards having children. 

As far as sexual orientation goes, as long as that man loves and is attracted to me, I don't necessarily mind if they are bisexual or pansexual or something like that. If they have had dating experiences with men or women before me, that wouldn't bother me as long as they were committed to me once we are together. 

If I were to date a straight man, I would want to make sure he is liberally minded and an LGBTQ+ ally. I am a feminist and don't subscribe to traditional gender roles for myself personally, and would not be with a man who expected that of me. 

I hope that answers your questions. Regardless, what I envision for myself personally is not indicative of my therapeutic work with others. I value holding space for how other people choose to live their lives and seeking out happiness however makes most sense to them. 

Haha it sounds like you wouldn't agree with or recommend straight people dating people who aren't entirely straight?

Which is totally fine if that's how you feel. I'm just here to understand different perspectives  

 

I'm mulling over whether I want to contact you, so not a hard "no" here, but I wanted to comment on this:

However, I have also met couples who disclosed while in the dating stage, with both partners being fully aware of the queer partner's orientation before marriage. This can be a more positive route, since the marriage begins with both partners fully informed of the situation. Even then, that is no guarantee that the couple will ultimately stay together. 

I used to know people like this, but I think this is a relic of the past.  Nowadays, gay people are able to marry and have children together -- there are options now that didn't exist in, say, the 1980's.

At least in my experience, my husband wasn't closeted due to external pressures.  His parents were open and accepting towards his gay uncle, he lived in a gay-friendly city, and worked in a gay-friendly professiion.  There was no externally imposed stigma.
 

Hi Isa,

Thank you for doing this important research! After my husband's disclosure I struggled a lot with the lack of research in the area.

My bi-husband and I would have loved to participate, but we are still together (two years post-disclosure).

Try contacting these groups:

https://facebook.com/groups/morandmorecommunity/

https://facebook.com/groups/straightspousemom/


Walk, I think Isa doesn't mean lavender marriages, she means mixed orientation marriages, where people chose to be together for personal, emotional, intimacy reasons, not social pressures. Example is Sam and Jacob - here's their podcasts:

https://youtu.be/ddEc_hyCXAI?si=QkwQGpuqHk2nTyHU


Isa, contact MOR and More:

www.morandmore.org

Candice and her husband have been supporting mixed-orientation marriages for almost 20 years. Many separate, but many also stay together.


Lastly, in case you haven't come across this, here's Amity Buxton's article (unfortunately, you need academic access, or try psyhub). While there is very little research literature on the topic, I found this article quite accurate and aligned to the "lived experience".

https://doi.org/10.1300/J159v06n01_07


Good luck and thanks again for your work! Reach out if you need anything.

Edited to add: Lily doesn't believe in bisexuality, so you two may struggle to find common ground.

Last edited by Alex1984 (October 6, 2025 5:46 pm)

To walkbymyself,

Thanks for your input! 

I agree with you that today gay and queer people are much more visible and accepted, and have the option to pursue gay relationships in ways they could not decades ago. I also agree that sometimes mixed-orientation relationships occur because the queer partner has not explored or figured out that part of their sexuality yet when they got married, so the discovery and disclosure doesn't come until later. 

I'm glad you're husband did not feel an external pressure to conform to heteronormativity, and I agree that that external pressure is a lot less now. 
However, I think that in very religious and conservative environments, there can still be significant external pressure to be straight and marry someone of the opposite sex, even if you have acknowledged your queer sexual orientation. 
I grew up in such an environment, where being gay is considered a sin. I actively have gay friends who are still single, but hope to find someone of the opposite sex that they could make a mixed-orientation marriage work with, primarily because their religion says it is what they are supposed to do. 

So I think that external pressure does exist in certain cultural groups, though it is great that the stigma has certainly decreased in recent history.