This board is for the straight spouses and though there might be plenty of people who would participate whether you are gay or straight it's probably better to say upfront who you are.

Me I am not going to participate in a study but happy to talk here if you have questions for the straight in the marriage.

Hello! Thanks for the response!

I am happy to speak to either the straight partner or gay/lesbian/bi partner from any former mixed-orientation marriage. I have previously worked with mixed-orientation couples who are still together, but for this round of research, I'm focusing on representing people who end up separating as well. I'm not sure if this forum is the best place to find people who meet that criteria, but I thought it was worth a try. 

I myself am straight and have never been married, though my parents were in a mixed-orientation marriage, and I have spent a lot of time around mixed-orientation couples, both in professional, academic setting, as well as just with friends. As a researcher, my work relies on connecting with and accurately representing the people who experience these types of relationship directly, which is my purpose in coming on this forum. 

I hope that clarified my position. Please let me know if you have any other questions for me!

I apologize if I have overstepped. This forum was recommended to me by individuals I know personally who use the forum and are in the mixed-orientation community that this could be a place for me to connect with other similar individuals. 

Of course, if people are not interested, then there is no pressure at all to engage with my research or post. 

Thanks again!

 

That's such a fascinating and complex thought. 

To answer your question, my father is gay and my mother is straight. They were both religious, and he came out to her about 10 years into their marriage. They divorced soon thereafter. So I grew up knowing my gay father, who was ostracized from the religious community I grew up in. I would say I am closer to my mother, but mostly because we always lived with her after the divorce, but I still have a positive relationship with my father. 

I also agree with you that mixed-orientation marriages are extremely common, probably so much more than we may think. I believe there are closeted mixed-orientation relationships all around us, and likely, a lot of these people may feel alone or unsure how to navigate this experience. 

As far as my research goes, I agree with you that it would be extremely difficult to do this if their has not been any kind of disclosure between partners. Of course, every mixed-orientation couple is at a different place regarding their outness to each other, family, friends, or the public. 

The timing of disclosure can have a huge impact on the process a couple experiences, with later disclosures often contributing to a lot of hurt and feeling of being blindsided. However, I have also met couples who disclosed while in the dating stage, with both partners being fully aware of the queer partner's orientation before marriage. This can be a more positive route, since the marriage begins with both partners fully informed of the situation. Even then, that is no guarantee that the couple will ultimately stay together. 

I also agree that studying human sexuality is complex and should be navigated carefully. That is true for most social science, but especially for a subject as delicate and controversial as this one. 

Hey Lilly,

I completely understand what you are saying. I also imagine it would be really hard to choose to marry someone if their attraction for you is completely non-existent.  

When I say disclosure, I am specifically talking about the disclosure of one's sexual orientation to their partner (or coming out). How painful that disclosure is depends a lot on what is shared and how it is received, I think.  

For example, I have known couples where the boyfriend tells his girlfriend that he has an attraction for men, but also is very emotionally connected to her and wants to be with her. (This can also be religiously motivated if both partners believe there is something spiritually special about heterosexual marriage and that they should try to make it work). Sometimes, an attraction between them can grow, indicating a degree of sexual fluidity or demi-sexuality on the part of the queer partner, but that's not guaranteed. A lot of the couples I've known who have tried this tend to be young and religious, with little to no sexual experience outside of marriage, which allows them to hope that some sexual relationship will exist between them if they work at it and are sufficiently emotionally connected. 

For others, disclosure occurs later into marriage, which can lead to all sorts of outcomes. I've seen couples choose to stay together because they are best friends and are raising kids together, but maybe they also choose to open the relationship and have other sexual partners. Other times, the relationship will quickly come to an end because that disclosure reveals an incompatibility between partners (like my parents). 

The sexual fluidity peace, which can be really complex, can also apply to relationships where one partner figures out they are asexual (which is a little different for sure), but also begs the question if that is a sustainable relationship. I think it depends on a lot of factors.