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1 of 1- bette23
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Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
Please help me. I’m a cisgender woman married to a cisgender man.
My husband had come to realize that he wants to pursue relationships with pre-operative male to female transsexuals - women with functioning penises.
We are getting divorced. I feel betrayed and used; he is excited to start living his truth.
I’m worried about my 9 year old daughter, who doesn't know yet. We are prepared for the "we are getting divorced" conversation. We've spoken to mental health experts, and have a script that we will use as a guideline.*
However, I want to protect my daughter from learning the reasons for our divorce from other people (like eavesdropping cousins). My husband is "not worried about this at all".
At the same time, says he’s “not ashamed” and his sexuality is “not a secret.” I have asked him to explain more about what this means - will he be out to only select people? Out to everyone in our lives? Out in public?
He will not engage me on this. He acts like my concern is merely a pretense to criticize and guilt-trip him. Rather than explain how he is going to navigate this, he says "what do you think I'm going to do? Why do you think she would ever hear about this?"
I don't have answers. I am asking him to tell me how he plans to safeguard our daughter from being in the position that other people know about her dad’s sexual orientation, but she is the last to know. And she finds out in a way that blindsides and traumatizes her.
The experts and counselors I’ve talked to say not to discuss with her the reasons for our divorce - especially the issue of her dad's very specific sexual orientation, which is impossible to explain in an age-appropriate way. I think we need to prepare for the possibility that other people - especially her cousins and perhaps other kids at school - are going to say things that will confuse and/or upset her.
We have a call with our mediator to discuss this this afternoon. In the meantime does anyone have any advice?
*The script presents us as a united front to tell her that:
1. this was a decision we made together
2. it's not her fault
3. we both love her as much as ever and NOTHING will change that
4. we are still a family - we will just be configured differently. Our family will have two homes; half of the time she will live with dad and half of the time she will live with mom.
If she asks us questions to find out the reasons why, our message is: “This is something that is very complicated that children cannot understand. These are things that only grown ups should be concerned with”. That’s it. NO ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.
And neither of us should say “go talk to your [other parent].” We each give her the identical message.
None of the communication strategy described above is in dispute.
Last edited by bette23 (September 19, 2025 12:22 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
Bette...the only way you stop your daughter learning stuff about her father from other people is by you being the first person she hears it from.
Personally, if I was you I'd want to NOT confuse her...stop calling myself cisgender and start being age-appropriately honest with her about what's happening. You're a biological, heterosexual female. So is your girl.
Women's language....our language....has slowly been scaled down to words like cisgender, chest-feeder, cervix-haver, person who gives birth and we have become unimportant in the scheme of men's attempt to climb to the top of the female ladder.
You see Bette..." women with functioning penises" are men. And from what you say you're giving away your power to the man who has upended your and your daughters life.
Why shouldn't you guilt-trip him for heavens sake!
Stop asking him questions and take control of your life. It sounds like he puts himself first. Well...let him, because you have to start putting
yourself first in your new life.
As for experts and counselors (these days many of them are pro-lgbtq, if not actually one of that community themselves) none of them are you, and secrets kept from children about something as important as parents divorcing can come back as trauma years later. As long as you're there to answer honestly any questions your daughter has...and your empathy is genuine you and your daughter's r'ship can only benefit.
I may sound OTT, a bit harsh, but men changing their sexuality, who think a man can dress as a woman and be one piss me off. The man you married doesn't deserve you.
Be stronger, take control, you've got this 🤗
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 20, 2025 1:30 am)
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
Bette23
Point #1:
I allowed myself to be talked into the "we grew apart" narrative, which is another way of saying "it was a decision we made together" and I have regretted it ever since. It was a lie for me, and it is a lie for you. why are the so-called professionals against telling the truth in an age-appropriate way to your daughter: "We are getting a divorce because Daddy wants to date other people, and that's not what married people do."
Point #2 and #3: Yes, these are fine and necessary.
As for #4, that's a straight-up falsehood. Getting a divorce means you won't be a family any more.
As for your husband's unnameable sexuality... he's male, and he's attracted to males. A male wearing a dress is still male.
- Alex1984
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
Hi Bette,
I'm so sorry to see you on this forum and in this situation. It's a tricky one. It feels like you and your husband need urgent counseling to figure out how to communicate and to navigate this situation; and how to find common ground. I also think he needs individual counseling. Based on what you write, he could be led down the wrong path by some dubious advice.
I don't believe (and most research would agree) that what you describe is a sexual orientation. While some researchers have recently introduced the term trans-attraction, the specificity of "pre-op" puts it squarely into a sexual kink space. Get yourself a book by Joe Kort "Is my husband gay, straight or bi". There is a chapter on a case like this.
I don't know your husband's situation, but I stress that most likely it's a kink, not the orientation, and it should be approaches as such.
Your husband isn't setting himself up for success, I'll be honest. The group he is looking to "date" is incredibly small. It is not just objectively, statisticaly small - most trans women would hate the idea of a man dating them only because they still have a penis. Your husband might be destined to a lifetime of sporadic connections. Could it be that he has already met a person and has fallen for her/them, and this person just happens to be a pre-op trans woman? That would be traumatic for you, but, frankly, would be a much healthier scenario for your husband.
It is possible that your husband is indeed gay or bi, but is ashamed of it and doesn't want to be publicity seen with a man, though privately wants to feel like he is with one. If that's the case, he needs therapy to work through his shame and guilt and properly embrace his homo- or bisexuality.
We like who we like and I don't judge your husband, but I wouldn't have a clue how to express this kink "age appropriately" to your daughter. I agree with the experts you spoke to, I wouldn't be bringing this kink up with her NOR with many adults if I was your husband.
If she happens to find out or has questions, I would be saying something like: "dad is still figuring out, who he wants to be with, it could be a person of any gender, but I'm sure it'll be a nice, kind person; and hopefully they are fun to be around".
He could come out as "queer" to the world - a broad term that doesn't require in-depth explanation of his kink. As to what to say to your daughter - I think you have the perfect script already.
Once/if your ex-husband gets into a serious relationship (with pre-op trans woman or otherwise), he can then introduce THE PERSON to your daughter and tell her their story in an age appropriate way.
I think you have a very solid plan already! I would add separation counseling if you have this opportunity - just to help you both through the minefield.
You got this! Good luck!
Last edited by Alex1984 (September 20, 2025 6:48 am)
- bette23
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
Thank you, Elle.
I appreciate you taking the time to advise me. I agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying.
I HATE lying to my daughter about this. But the experts we've consulted say to assign blame to one parent is going to be destructive and damaging to her. I HATE that she has to be protected from the TRUTH. It is perverse and disgusting.
BUT our script is not written in stone. Before we tell my daughter, we will see a family therapist, recommended by the head of daughter's school, who I trust. We will discuss all of this with her, devise a plan, and my daughter will see her for as long as it is helpful.
I should also mention that I HATE that my 9 year old has to see a therapist! She's never had a reason before. She is a well-adjusted, emotionally intelligent, kind, and thoughtful child.
You are right - my husband does put himself first. But he is delusional. He has no self-awareness right now. I never thought he would do anything to put my daughter's emotional health in jeopardy, but here he is, doing just that.
His self-indulgent recklessness has hurt me beyond measure. I assure you, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent his recklessness from hurting her.
At last, I have begun putting myself first, because I'm Mamma Bear. He's not gonna fuck up my baby.
When we met with our mediator about this, he barely said a word. He was stony faced and silent. The mediator was the one who recommended that we see a family therapist ASAP. I'm pretty sure he's unhappy about it.
My friends think he's terrified, because the protective shell he has built out of entitlement and weaponized LGBT principles is finally cracking. It's about time.
I am now taking control, being stronger, and crushing this, Elle! 💪🏻
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Bette...the only way you stop your daughter learning stuff about her father from other people is by you being the first person she hears it from.
Personally, if I was you I'd want to NOT confuse her...stop calling myself cisgender and start being age-appropriately honest with her about what's happening. You're a biological, heterosexual female. So is your girl.
Women's language....our language....has slowly been scaled down to words like cisgender, chest-feeder, cervix-haver, person who gives birth and we have become unimportant in the scheme of men's attempt to climb to the top of the female ladder.
You see Bette..." women with functioning penises" are men. And from what you say you're giving away your power to the man who has upended your and your daughters life.
Why shouldn't you guilt-trip him for heavens sake!
Stop asking him questions and take control of your life. It sounds like he puts himself first. Well...let him, because you have to start putting
yourself first in your new life.
As for experts and counselors (these days many of them are pro-lgbtq, if not actually one of that community themselves) none of them are you, and secrets kept from children about something as important as parents divorcing can come back as trauma years later. As long as you're there to answer honestly any questions your daughter has...and your empathy is genuine you and your daughter's r'ship can only benefit.
I may sound OTT, a bit harsh, but men changing their sexuality, who think a man can dress as a woman and be one piss me off. The man you married doesn't deserve you.
Be stronger, take control, you've got this 🤗
Elle
- •
Thread Starter- bette23
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
#1 - I agree with you! I will talk to this therapist about how to protect my daughter but ALSO NOT LIE.
#4 - In the beginning I thought we could still be a kind of family. That my ex and I could remain close, even best friends. But those feelings are long gone. He's dead to me. He's like a co-worker I hate but have to get long with. I'm going to strike this from the script.
Thanks for your advice.
Bette23
Point #1:
I allowed myself to be talked into the "we grew apart" narrative, which is another way of saying "it was a decision we made together" and I have regretted it ever since. It was a lie for me, and it is a lie for you. why are the so-called professionals against telling the truth in an age-appropriate way to your daughter: "We are getting a divorce because Daddy wants to date other people, and that's not what married people do."
Point #2 and #3: Yes, these are fine and necessary.
As for #4, that's a straight-up falsehood. Getting a divorce means you won't be a family any more.
As for your husband's unnameable sexuality... he's male, and he's attracted to males. A male wearing a dress is still male.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
.....I am now taking control, being stronger, and crushing this, Elle! 💪🏻........
Having "a well-adjusted, emotionally intelligent, kind, and thoughtful child. " is a bonus for you
and I hope the bond between you both becomes stronger.
I know here in New Zealand that most schools, colleges and universities have been captured by trans ideology
and the curriculum imbedded by organisations that uphold it. Be careful as to how much your daughter's school gets involved and wary of any recommendations made. Do your research (online) before you commit to a therapist
E
KIA KAHA
- bette23
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Re: Husband came out as a sexual orientation that doesn’t have a name
Good advice. I will take it!
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Thread Starter